I'm trying, it's hard but I have resolve to make it work. I'm trying to work on myself and my issues. As I do that I am hopeful that it will rub off and help him to realize how much he really means to me.
Thank you for your response I appreciate your insights
I have responded to your other thread about your daughter.
It also seems to me that once this issue settles you can tackle your marriage head on. For now, I think you are on the right track by keeping the focus on yourself. I would recommend continuing to make an effort to spend time together in fun, creative ways doing things that interest you, him or both of you. Finding commonality within each other or gaining a better understanding of the other person by learning what they like or don't may help you start to connect again in a more meaningful way.
We haven't tried counseling. I am working through the exercises and trying to work on me. I haven't raised the issue of us going together because I don't think he'd want to do it. I know how he feels, I don't really want to either. Maybe at some point we'll decide to do so but first I need to get back to being someone who is awake to life. I am just recently not in shut down mode and I think he is holding back because he's afraid I'll just fall back into those old patterns. I don't blame him, I'm afraid of that too. It's why I'm here and being open like this. I want to stop wallowing in these patterns and have a life!!!
As far as date night, we do get out every now and again. Probably not as much as we'd like. One of the biggest problems right now is that my daughter has interfered with some of the trips we've been on and causing issues during them. As a Mom I couldn't ignore them and they affected me. My husband took it personally because he just wanted to have the trip as a way of getting away from the pressure but it followed me. I'm not sure how I could have handled it better at that time, but perhaps if I didn't suffer the negativity of my depression I'd have found a way. We do talk and he is not totally cold all the time, he still acknowledges me and does things that are kind, but we're distant due to the pain of what we've had to deal with. I am saying that he feels unconnected but I also feel that way, I think there needs to be more time and effort put into us and less so into the stresses. I'm working hard to manage better and am hoping this program works.
It sounds like there is a lot going on in your household as is the case for many. Have you considered single, couples or family counseling to help you along?
Are you working through the program? Do you & your husband spend time out together? Like a date night?
We spend evenings and weekends together. He works 1-1/2 hours away and I work 45 minutes away in the opposite direction. The reasons for this is a long story. We worked together when we met, but through a series of events have ended up doing different jobs. Our decision to live that far away from his work (we moved here because of it) was to be closer to where we lived previously so my daughter could still see her father. It didn't turn out that way, he hardly ever saw her and she's been a huge struggle for us.
I had thought I had handled the move here relatively well until recently when my husband told me I haven't been myself for 6 years (approximately when we moved here) I told him that was harsh and that while the move was hard I thought given the circumstances I did well. It was my first move away from the area I've always lived in. I had to find a new job, prove myself there and try to fit in. I am directionally challenged so even finding my way around was a stressful chore, I still print maps occasionally.
Anyway, I did sink myself into my work and eventually did shut down. My daughter and her issues have been hard for me to take and yet I feel like I'm her mother and I need to do something - which she knows and uses against me. My husband is tired of it and I don't blame him, so am I. However, I do feel punished by him. It's like it's payback for not functioning well
and he's giving me a taste of my own medicine. Perhaps I deserve it in a way, it has opened my eyes. He told me on Saturday that I still lack confidence but given the way I feel it's hard to develop any.
He says were not "connected" that we've drifted apart. It's true in some ways but I don't think it's something that can't be fixed. I'm overanalyzing and looking for signs of progress, but everything I look at makes me stressed and negative. I don't know what to think or if he'll ever decide to connect. I really want to connect, but am so confused about him.
Lately the gym provides me with some stress relief. It is also a positive change for me and makes me feel like I'm doing something good for me. Even if my muscles are sore afterward it's a good feeling.
Sex would be great but my husband is very emotionally distant and that's not hapening. So it's a cause of my stress.
My pets do help me enormously when dealing with stress. I have two toy poodles that are so funny and loving that they always make me smile or laugh.
I have also used guided meditation tapes and really did get some relief from stress symptoms. I did get a little burnt out on the process after a couple of years.
And of course sex would be a wonderful stress reliever but unfortunately even though I am married we do not have that in our lives. Lauren
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