I am managing my holiday stress by being here, doing the work, and being supported
by people who not only care, but listen.... really, truly listen.
Christmas has always been difficult for me but I never fully
"connected-the-dots" ... I get it now.
38 years ago today, 20,000 people died as the result of an
earthquake in the city where I lived at the time. My family was
immediately evacuated to the states... where, because we were privileged
by citizenship, we "celebrated" the Christmas holidays. Most of my
neighbors and friends and teachers were left to survive in a city with
no infrastructure. Some did. Some didn't.
The CBT work that I've taken on here is teaching me how to be aware... of what I'm thinking and feeling
and doing. This awareness has enabled me to finally
understand why I hate Christmas so much. Why I feel shame when I get
Christmas gifts. Why I sometimes feel it is so wrong for me to be
alive. Why I feel so deeply saddened on this day.
Alcohol distances the pain. Anxiety camouflages it. Depression
denies it. But the anxiety and sadness and terror and shame is all
there still. It may be hidden, but it surely has ruled my life for a
really long time.
Now, a door kept closed to protect myself, has been opened by these
tools I am just learning to use... I have the tools to see; I have the
tools to feel.; I have the tools to understand. And, remarkably, feel
safe and calm while doing it.
This ... is how I'm managing my Christmas stress; by being here,
doing the work, and being supported by you.
