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Forgiveness and the burden of toxicity which accompanies not learning to forgive

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Forgiveness and the burden of toxicity which accompanies not learning to forgive

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

loves trees

Do not bottle the emotions. But aim them at inanimate objects. How CBT can help with emotions is by changing the pattern of reaction to them. Such as when you are angry. Be angry and take it out on something of no value. The Japanese have an anger room where employees can beat the crap out of a stuffed figure. It is a release. Now we know anger is childish and settles nothing. But if you use CBT to find the humour in beating the crap out of a pillow or throwing a smirf ball at the wall. (picture of the person who annoys you) It can be a good release. It can end the anger in a positive way so it is dealt with.

CBT is about changing thought patterns and it must have a similar technique for changing emotion patterns maybe just under a different name. I will ask my therapist when I see her on Thursday.

Hopeless is just the condition talking. You and me know you are far from hopeless. You have plenty of understanding of your situation, you just have not found a way to deal with it. Any way do not leave the site. I will see what information I can get from my therapist. She will give me places on the net to read that are accurate.

Davit.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

Hi Davit,

I wish I had more insights on this so we could converse more. I don't belong here on this site. I do not want to ignore the emotions I experience because I spent many years doing just that. CBT separates out emotion from cognition and since I have emotional issues, it is no wonder I am not finding more relief from CBT.

I really wanted someone to help me. I am very angry with my last counsellor for abandoning me when I trusted them. I do not have a counsellor now and do not know anyone where I live who can help me. I am thnking I have to increase my medications because thanks to the system letting me down, I feel completely hopeless.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

Hi Davit,

I know that you understand how someone like me can be a good parent. I think I am a good parent. Ther is evidence that i am a very good parent actually. That is reassuring to my adult self.

I actually have several positive core beliefs about myself. As do you. I have negative core beliefs about other people. Those seem harder to dislodge actually when comparing the two. Where I am stuck is that I don't trust people, as you have expressed as well. Negative core beliefs about other people that they are just not safe to be around. At least not in a real way. If you are good at being false (I am) they love you. If you show your real self (scared) they leave. That is all I have so far. I will read more as well.

I did read a quote on another website that was to the effect of "promote world peace...heal your inner child" which I thought was a good quote because if you can heal yourself, you don't dump your sh't on someone else and you do make the world a better place in your own way. the way you do on this site every day.

My inner child is quite awkward. As most children are. By definition, they are just learning to walk, talk, etc.. so they need a lot of acceptance and wisdom and patience. Some cultures have known this and focus on having wisdom so that grandparents are around children because that dynamic was set up so that the wisdom that can only come from being alive so long is used to care for children who need that acceptance, undersanding and such.

Oh i read about different inner child types. I was a pleaser for sure but am not wanting ot be that anymore so that might explain a lot of my current frustrations. I am also a high achiever which goes with pleaser.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

loves trees

I do not for a minute think you could not be a good parent. You have more knowledge about what not to do than most parents. And you are not going to follow in your parents footsteps just cause they are there. I wonder if you can grow with your child. Or could you use fantasy to fill in the blanks. The hardest part for me was closure. Letting go of what led up to the suspension and filling something else in it's place. Like a what if. A bit of fantasy. What if it had of happened this way, and what if it had never happened. The one as a three year old was easier to do than the one at fifteen. Yes fifteen year olds can go through adult court. I have an appointment with my therapist next week. I'd like her opinion, and she is some one I can trust.

I think adults do live their child hood but in adult ways. I wonder if the foibles that others have are their inner children. I wonder if accepting this will help me. Of course it won't help them to accept me. But once I change they won't have too.

Still researching. Your thoughts on this are appreciated.

Davit.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

Hi Davit,

I am in awe of the mind. What it does, what it saves, how it works, everything.

I read that famous quote "it is never too late to have a happy childhood" which I think is Khalil something but online it seems a lot of people are using it so not sure whose it is originally. ANyways, is it true? I ask myself this. I do not know the answer yet.

I am a parent. I am giving my child things I never got. Every day. every moment of every day. I am breaking intergenerational cycles of negativity. I pulled this child out of a dysfucntional system. My childhood was not as abusive as that of my parents. So they I think ended up being jealous of me. I have to break that cycle too.

Some people would like to think that a parent whose inner child is all f''d up cannot be a good parent. I think I am a good parent and giving this child just the ability to retain their childhood. To be age appropriate in behaviour and thought. To not hijack their childhood for my needs the way mine was hijacked. I am doing it. So if i am so capable of doing it for this child, why the pain within me?

Because I cannot be 4 years old again, or 2 years old or 11 months old. And i do not know what to do with that.

Your sharing your story is so powerful for me. For lack of a better word. IT sounds like you feel safe being alone, because you live alone and have for a long time. It also sounds like your inner child doesn't have the people around that every child needs - playmates, protectors, consolers, etc.. Maybe I am projecting. I am just trying to think: what is childhood and can an adult ever do anything that truly heals that inner child that was so rejected so early in life?

I have this book that is all about telling the inner child she is now safe. It did't get me very far that book. I don't think a child is told "you are safe" a child either feels safe or doesn't .

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Good morning.

You have one person who understands, that is worth holding on to. I have been living a lie for 45 years to keep a hidden child hidden. Every time I let him loose and try to be me I get into trouble. But how can I change him without recognizing him. How can I grow if I don't build on him. No one understands. I've tried to let him loose when I am alone but without interaction how can I have anything to use to build on him. I'm screwed. Lucky I'm at the tail end of life and have learned survival techniques so I can function. (living the lie)

This is my storey and I have told very few people. It is short on detail and "why'" but I think you will get something out of it. I'm from a broken family, but even before that I was not wanted because I was not a girl. I have one older brother that was spoilt. Our family has a tradition of one son getting everything. (it doesn't work) I did poor in school. Intelligent but uninterested besides the inner child was already saying don't be noticed. (unwanted child) As I grew in the 60's with Vietnam and the cold war hanging over us it looked like a person should get all they could out of life since it was going to end soon. I ran loose with a rough crowd and like every one else was getting in a bit of trouble. It felt like I fit and was wanted.

The good people of the town picked me out to railroad into jail to scare their kids into behaving. They failed. (I never went to jail) But what they succeeded at was instilling a belief in me that I was not good enough. I spent the rest of my life proving I am. I'm very good at all I do. I should thank them but won't, I'd rather have grown normal. I can forgive them only because I understand why they did it. But the worst thing they instilled was a lack of trust in anyone or any system.

Now you have to know that I have beat this. I am good enough, I don't have to prove it to anyone. And I can trust, knowing full well that sometimes I will get hurt. But still with trust I have to have an escape route for when it fails. I may possibly never trust totally and that is a shame. This is a bit different than dissociation, but I don't know for sure after all how can I know what is locked away. I have one distinct case of dissociation and it was caused by a combination of trust and ability. It would have been okay if I had not have been right. But I know this and can accept it so it no longer has any affect. These inner children have grown into core beliefs and got stuck there. I'm working on them. Day by day I work to prove them wrong and I am winning. It helps to know I am not alone. Therefore I will live with the can of worms I have opened. I need too. I don't want to live the lie anymore. I'm free of anxiety and panic, now I want to be free of the devils causing it.

Here for you in anyway I can help.

Davit.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

As you can see from my posts over the last month, I am feeling wholly abandoned and re-traumatized by my last therapist and therefore, even if a white night of a therapist arrived at my doorstep today I would be very distrustful and suspicious of them in a way i was not before.

For the last year I laid it all out every time i went to a different therpaist and they took my money, and didn't do anything to help. The worst one said she was not here to take care of me, and the 2nd worst one said there was nothing wrong with me at all.

Can I heal my inner child on my own? Do I even want to? No. I am not where you are at with being ok being alone. I hate being alone. What I want is for someone in my life to drop their stuff, their weekend plans to re-decorate, and help me heal. It is not going to happen.

I believe in muscle memory. It sounds like your skills come from muscle memory as you describe. Some poeple think these can even come from a past life. I don't believe inthat myself but ther is no proof either way so it is a valid suggestion. in any case, our muscles seem to have memories and it is great when the memory unlocked translates into creative expression. I have wondered about trying to give my nner child a canvas ,literally to paint on. what is stopping me is negative thinking. what if it does't work. I ahve been thruogh so much disapointment, I am at a point where I am not embracing new ideas.

I also envy the old me, the me that believed things that were not true. I was happier. Ignorance is bliss.

Things that work for other people don't work for me. I know someone who has locked themselves in time. They act like it is still 1980. It works for them. It doesn't work for me. I wish it did....

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

Good morning Davit.Thank you for taking the time to post this.

My reaction to the idea of not opening this "can of worms" is that its not my choice. If I continue to ignore my inner child(s) I am stuck dissociating and my experiences are stilted - I do not 'connect' with people or myself. If I listen to my inner child, i feel a lot of pain. I could have used a good therapist right now. I am ANGRY capital A that the last one betrayed my trtust.

I can't even figure out how to be in social settings right now. If i am "myself" i am really out of it, and say awkward things. If I try to be someone I am not, I let myself down.

I am at home, alone, in a nice house with a nice laptop, with others who envy my ability to do this on a "workday". But I am in hell. How else to describe a desperate NEED to connect with someone, to be consoled and protected and heard and validated and not being able to do it for myself.

Ok. 2 days ago i was pretty upset about the idea that I am dissociative. Now I am gradually starting to accept that I had to become that way to surivive, and my accomplishments demonstrate all that was gained by dissociating. If , like another family member, I had wallowed without dissociating, I would not have a job or anything right now. Dissociating allowed me to get through school etc...

But what now? I dont need or want or can't even operate that same way anymore. I am thrown off daily as I try to function as a "whole" person when really I am still split and fragmented. No one around me understands or is coming to my aid.

In yoga I am told to let go of the tightness in my muscles but I refuse to. My inner child wants someone to know what that pain is from, no one knows and if I let go of it without ever getting a chance to express it, I feel invisible.

None of that is going to sound sane or reasonable to someone who doesn't understand about what a person will do to cope with pain and survive. In order to survive, I ignored the pain. for YEARS. many years. Decades. Now something has shifted, the way of splitting myself into different parts to survive isn't working anymore and i am at a loss. And again, I have asked for help, sought referrals but have been turned down, told i don't qualify for anything. Because the funding for mental health services where I live is pathetic.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

The inner child is a Jungian description for a series of memories from child hood that are active in controlling the thoughts of an adult rather than an adult reverting to a child. Even the expression child like would translate in this case not to some one with a child's intelligence but some one using patterns learned in childhood for adult situations. Not so much suspended learning but using these patterns because they are safe. This could block acting as an adult in some situations because the child was not allowed to or given or was afraid to learn certain adult skills. All adults have an inner child. You have to since you have to go through childhood to become an adult. Every one leaves it at a different time. This you do by building on experiences around you. But you have to be able to do this. The inner child is a series of memories that should have been built on as a person grows. When this does not happen for some traumatic reason and here there are a number of reasons, it does not have to be abuse or neglect the adult uses this suspended reasoning for a decision making reaction. The inner child does not have to be a child. Suspended mental growth can happen at any age. But when it happens at a later date the adult has a greater capability to fight it off and therefore it takes something more traumatic to cause the suspension and here the name changes to PTSD or dissociation. A child being more sensitive can build memories that condition the adult by building on them. I think the inner child is different from core beliefs, because core beliefs can be built any time and can be built on and changed. The inner child type of memory is locked away and doesn't seem to change with time. It needs to be forcefully opened. According to some people it is not all bad. Some peoples creativity is locked away in their inner child (memory) because they were given reason to suppress it.

This is my interpretation of what I have read from numerous sites and some get fanciful and throw in spirituality. I really believe it was controlled by you and therefore can be opened by you.

My personal experience on the creative side is that I have skills I have no training for that have shown up in the last few years that I have no idea where they come from. They can only be something I was exposed to but locked away due to some event that suspended them before I could build on them. I also find myself some times treating an adult problem with a child's solution. I have seen adults have temper tantrums you would swear belong to a four year old.

I think that most of us can find something of the inner child in us if we look. I would say don't unless you feel you have to. I'm finding I've opened a can of worms. But then I want to find my defects.

Davit.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

loves trees

There are quite a few types of inner child. Do you know which one you are? Have you tried any online program dealing with the inner child. I'm still researching this. It is close to core beliefs in that it dictates perception. One person says you can go back and re-nurture the un-nurtured child in you. Much like filling in the blanks in dissociation. It might work. This would be a form of CBT in that you would have to take each controlling negative thought and challenge it and then fit the new positive thought in it's place. I do not know if this could be done without the help of a therapist or at least a trusted person to show you which are false. Although since you are here and recognize that there are false thoughts affecting you you could start with the ones you know for sure. This is very interesting and fits along with attachment theory and instinct theory.

Davit.

I'm going to read more on this because I think it may well explain some of my social faults.

But first I have to get my driveway cleaned and the tractor is out of fuel. Hang in there, there is hope.

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Forgiveness and the burden of toxicity which accompanies not learning to forgive