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Feeling Isolated

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Teebs

It is the same for me. People say they can't imagine the pain I am in. I can see the compassion on the faces of the ones that mean it. For them I shrug it off but never forget to say thank you.

Some friends really do care.

Helena

I live in a community that takes care of its own. We lost our school to cut backs. The community pulled together and raised the money to buy the school and open it up with out the assistance of the government. Not everyone chipped in but enough cared to make it work.

These are the type of people that would help some one they don't know just because it is the thing to do. There really are good people in this world you just need to let them know they are needed and appreciated.

Some of my new friends were just people I used to see at the store. I took a page out of their book. I help who I can and where I can and unconditionally. They don't have to be some one I know. They just need to need. The friends you make this way truly are golden. Two of my best friends are people I barely knew till I went to the hospital and my place and cats needed some one to look after it and them. I would do anything to repay them and they know it. I help them where I can. Everyone has hidden skills. Mine are knowledge mostly.

Here to share.

Davit

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 221

Hi Teebs,

Seems like you really enjoy the intraction you have with your close friends, but its not as frequent as you would like.

Could you express to them that you would like more face to face contact with them?

What steps can you take to make this possible?

Helena, Health Educator

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 286

Thanks for the responses and thoughts everyone. Sunny, like everyone else said, the ripple analogy is just perfect.

I do have a lot of acquaintances....people that I will stop to say hi to and chat with, etc. But it's exactly one or two of those closer friends that I miss - people you can talk to about more serious things, and build a longer lasting relationship with.

It is interesting who ends up staying your friend. I've had this same experience with graduating from high school and college. You sort of expect that you'll stay in touch with different people, but in reality sometimes your longer lasting friends aren't the ones you expect at all. I do have some closer friends from my high school years, but we all live in different places and don't get to see each other face to face all that often. We exchange e-mails sometimes, which is nice, but it's not quite the same as being with someone.

I am very lucky to have a boyfriend who is also my best friend, and I don't want to count him out as one of those inner circle friends. But you need someone to talk to outside of that sort of relationship, too, I think.

Thanks Stewed for sharing that you went through a similar time after leaving your job. They were definitely the sorts of friends that were about hanging out and socializing but not that deeper friendship. Some of them maybe don't know what to say because they don't understand the anxiety, but I think real friends say something, even if they don't understand what you're going through with anxiety. I've been able to tell who my real friends are when they try to understand what I'm going through, or at least acknowledge that it must be tough and that they are supportive of me, even if they don't really get what a panic attack is. It's the ones that stop saying anything at all that are most painful.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 221

Hi everyone,

Thanks for sharing your experiences.

All of you have had experiences with losing friends when you left work or were in the hospital. This is no doubt painful, as people you thought would support you , could not. Some people are able to support us during out struggle, and others can not. What we can do, is focus on those who are there for us and build relationships with them.

Davit, can you share how your acquaintances turned into friends when you were in the hospital. What did you do to build friendships with them?

Helena, Health Educator

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

It is really weird where friends can come from. I used to have a lot of acquaintances but when I started spending time in the hospital some of them turned into friends. Some disappeared And some I don't miss. Some only stopped bye to see if I was selling out. I have three that I can say are truly close and dependable. Two I never even knew before they were needed. But the surprise was that two I thought were dropped me like I was contagious, and these were people that owed me. Am I mad at any of these people? No, disappointed maybe.

Davit

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 14

Teebs, I can identify with your feelings of lonliness. Over the past few years I have managed to make the 'ripples in my pond' diminish. I can honestly say that I have at the moment no close friends. I have lots of people I can chat with and say hello to, but this is no substitute for a friend to confide in and share my hopes and dreams and fears with. So, I can identify with that lonely feeling you are experiencing. I should add that I do have my husband and that he does and doesn't count as a close friend (he has to listen to me afterall : )

When I think about your work 'friends' I suspect that they probably fall under the 'good time Charlie' category where they are game to socialize and have fun, but aren't really interested in true friendship which comes with responsibilities and a giving back and forth over time and over some lighthearted and some tough times. I think that while it is hurtful, the goodtime Charlies aren't connected enough to you to be considered in the 'inner circle' of that ripple in the pond. gosh I love that analogy, Sunny123. I think that when you are ready, you will make a new circle of friends and find new people to socialize with.

When I left my job on a stress leave several years ago now, I felt the isolation just as you do. Even the closest friend I had there did not contact me. I suspect taht my own stressed out behaviour either pushed her away or scared her. she kept her distance, but never stopped caring. There may be some people at your work who just don't know how to talk to you or know what to say.... I guess you either have to ask them flat out, or move on to other friendships, or both.... I wish you well on your journey. You can always talk to me about loneliness, I suffer from social anxiety but try to fake it most of the time. I can relate to how bad it feels sometimes to just want a friend to confide in. Someone who gets you, and who you feel safe with.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Hi Teebs,

Happy Belated Birthday to you!!!! I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling lonely, and isolated. Those are not good feelings. But remember, this is just temporary...you have tons of time to change things...and we are here for you...I understand how not working affects your social life....sometimes its hard to know who are really your friends and who is just an aquaintance..abet all of them are good...in there own way...I'm with you on the Facebook stuff....as you know, I'm not that profficient with computers, so a while back I signed up for FB...wrote my BD down, and only 2 people said "Happy Birthday"....I was so hurt....I always try to make sure I say HB to everyone on there..but, to use the words of my long-suffering hubby..haha..."Juanita, some people just don't think like you..don't sweat it"....so try not to let it get you down.... but I do know what its like. Like Sunny says...if we have one or two really true friends we are lucky.

Sunny, I love your analogy re: the circles of friends.... Its true..a circle never ends.....And your advise to visit the workplace and keep in contact is bang-on.

Davit..haha, but you are so right..it is easier and nicer to have someone with you..(my thoughts) Speaking of which, my love is home from work....gottta go....

Everone take good care

Juanita

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 221

Hi everyone,

Sunny, the stone in the lake analogy is fantastic and great advice!

Teebs, it is really hard to deal with a shift in relationships. Often when we leave our work place, relationships with coworkers change. I would encourage you to focus on the person who is making an effort to be friends with you. It seems like this person cares about you, and that you could build a friendship with this person.

Also, check your local community centre or craigslist, to see what groups or activities are available in your town. By joining a group, you can meet people with similar interests and building friendships there.

Helena, Health Educator

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Hi teebs: Happy belated Birthday! from one e-mail friend to another! Isn't there an old saying somewhere that says if you have one or two good friends you are lucky indeed?

For me there are different levels of friends. Think of a stone thrown into the lake and how the circles form, from close at the centre to further out. Your family is probably the closest circle of all, then the next circle would be close friends, like the one who is trying to stay in touch with you. Celebrate that friendship and do things together if you can. Then neighbours might be the next circle, the ones you say hello to and maybe have a chat with outside. Next circle could be co-workers, and the next might be your church group or a club you might join. Another circle might be all the people you deal with such as grocery clerks, or post office, gas attendants, bank tellers, people you deal with in the community whom you don't see that often but are friendly toward and might even ask them, how's the family doing.

To make a good friend, it takes time and a two-way give and take.

Is it possible for you to go to the workplace just to say hello and have a coffee break or lunch with someone there? Or you could bring everybody a doughnut or something like that, do some baking and offer it for breaktime, let them know how you are doing. Kind of an ice breaker. Or you could invite them to yours for lunch and ask them how the workplace is doing lately.

Just throwing out some ideas, good luck

your friend, Sunny

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

Hi Teebs,

I am sorry you are feeling isolated right now. It can be very hard when you feel this way. Many people have felt this way at some point or another and individuals with anxiety unfortunately probably feel this way more often. Just know that this isolation you feel has nothing to do with the person you are or whether or not people like you. It has to do with the anxiety. Finding and keeping friends can be very hard and often takes work and "putting yourself out there". Anxiety can make this harder but if you chose to you can challenge yourself. What would you like to chose to do about this now? What would you be comfortable with now?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

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