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Negative verses Positive

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 659

Thanks Everyone,

Thanks everyone for your input and great advice. I guess it's what and how we feel about ourselfs that really matters.

I posted this tread a month ago and have since started reading and working on sessions 11, 12, 13, & 14 and they have really helped me a lot. I think communication is also a key element when dealing with these feelings too... I find there is always something new to learn about myself, plus many new coping skills to try to master here in these sessions.. It is sure great to know that we are never to old to learn or change for the better. Rome wasn't build in a day....It took time too...

Red

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 118

Hi Red

I am going to tell you about what happened to me. If you remember, I asked women out and she said that after our next yoga class that we would go for a walk and coffee. In my mind, I was preparing for frustration in that I considered the possibility that we went out and it did not click it would be over and I was fine with that. The second possibility was that we go out and we become good friends and I was fine with that. The third possibility was that she would not show up to the yoga class. This goes to my core belief that people treat me as defective, mentally ill, dangerous because I am mentally ill. The third possibility was fed by my negative core belief about how others see me. If she did not show up it was because she was avoiding me and thought I was mentally ill and dangerous and she did not want to associate with me.

While I bet you can guess what happened next, she did not show up to the yoga class. I was instantly propelled into my negative core belief of myself because as I said above if she did not show up she was avoiding me on purpose. At the time when I first found out that she did not show up I instantly reacted from my negative core belief. I have learned that we are allowed a startle reaction to the situation and that is what happened at first. However, since I now recognize this as my core belief after the initial startle (she avoiding me because I am mentally ill) I started possessing the entire situation because I had identified my startle reaction as coming from my negative core belief.

I started thinking that she does not know I am mentally ill. She just bought a house and maybe there was another explanation for her not coming to yoga class. People do thing that annoy us, not to annoy us. Even if she did not show up and I am right, about how I think she was thinking then the event is over and I have to change my attitude towards it. That my whole explanation of why she did not come is possible but not probable, that I had identified the reason why she would not come, came from my negative core belief. I know that my belief that some people are going to treat mental illness as a negative but not all people. I guess what I am trying to say if you have identified a negative core belief right now you are allowed a startle reaction when someone cause you to think negatively, we are not perfect and should not expect a perfect initial response to a situation.

However because I have identified my negative core belief I was able to process what happened from a different perspective. I guess I was you using the thought sheet in my mind at the time. After processing as I said above I was not left in my negative core belief and ruminating about it for the entire day. I was able to come up with alternative explanations because I recognized my belief about what happened was created entirely in my mind. There is no proof of my belief yet, and if my belief is right it is her problem not mine people that know me say I am funny and a pleasure to be around.

To answer you I had an initial set back a startle reaction how I kept it from causing me anxiety, as I was able to process it in my mind challenging my belief. I have decided that no matter what the actual truth is that I am not going to isolate myself from other people because I realize that my isolation come from my negative core belief and I can now challenge it. The way to challenge the negative thought is to become proficient in it is to use a thought record in your mind at the time it happens. I bet you can come up with alternative explanation to your negative thought, and if you cannot decide to not process it until you get home and use the thought sheet provided. The more and more you do it the easier it becomes and just doing it once will not get rid of your core belief. I think that you may have some kind of core belief about isolation and you have to decide to challenge it a kind of exposure if you will. This is why I am still on session three because many of my problems come from the bottom of the toolbox about relationships or lack of them. I did read session four and I guess just asking this person out was exposure for me.

I will tell you one thing is that I sure did not want to write this but I also believe writing it is exposure to my thoughts.

You friend

Dizzy

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Hi Red: When that happens, the first thing I wonder is if that person is feeling o.k. or is having a bad day. Why would one person's negative opinion change me? Yes, it might be a little hurtful or offensive, but I would not give my power away to someone who is negative. Keep your power, your beliefs, your dignity. We worked hard on finding ourselves, being the best we can be, getting rid of our dragons, finding our confidence, our voice, etc. When a negative happens, just keep going and remember that no one can make you feel badly, only you make yourself feel badly. I wouldn't escalate the situation by answering back or anything like that, just wish them a good day and walk away. Sometimes there may be a need for an exchange. I would try and do it as calmly as possible if need be. Own your day, your talents, your opinions. We have to live with ourselves afterall and I want to be the best I can be and spread the sunshine instead, hoping it has the ripple effect.

Hope this gives you some ideas.

Your friend, Sunny

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Red

I've lost 5" to collapsed vertebrae. It bothers me that I'm short. Some one today said to me,"your short" No man likes to hear that. Did it bother me? Well yeah for a few minutes, but so what, I'm still me and I still like me. And most important I believe in me. I believe in you. I want you to believe in you. The only way to keep positive thoughts from being influenced by negatives is to believe in yourself. Really truly Believe and mean it.

Here for you.

Davit

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

Red,

Repeat to yourself "this is their belief / thought not mine" over and over. I don't mean to sound simplistic about it. I have had people tell me negative things about myself and gone home and wondered if they were right. Its important to perceive other people as just that, other people.

I am working on chanting to myself "its them, not me" as long as it takes before I believe it. then i won't have to chant it anymore maybe. just my 2 cents. however, i do often choose to steer away from overly negative people more and more because i can only put so much energy into dealing with them before i feel depleted and annoyed with myself (and them).its hard to suffer someone else's negativity. its hard not to let it bother me sometimes especially if i want this person to make me feel good. then its really an uphill battle of reminding myself i am whole, and this person is just a person, flawed and all, and i have a right to a positive set of beliefs about myself.

All of Davits posts about beliefs have helped me a lot!

i was listening to someone on youtube video today talk about getting set back. their advice was to consider the possibility it is impossible not to get 'set back' sometimes. we are only human. getting set back is frustrating (i can get infuriated by it at time) but it does not mean that any of your progress was undone.

when we truly believe our positive thought, it will be much harder for someone else to knock it down. there are things someone could say about me that might cause me pause, but there are things i know about myself, and if someone says differently, i would be hurt, but i would return to my positive belief in time (it might take minutes, days or weeks or years but i'll get back there).

I now believe i was once a child who knew i was lovable and good. i am not an innocent child anymore. i struggle to always feel lovable and good these days but some days i do and those days can never be 'undone'. from this perspective, i am able to better deal with 'setbacks'. i hope that helps. it was good of you to post this so everyone can give their perspective on this.

best wishes as you work through this. feeling like we've been set back is tough.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

Hi Red,

This is a tough question. First of all, you will have to define specifically what responding in a negative way looks like. What some may interpret as negative others may interpret differently. Keep in mind your interpretation, perspective, expectations and core beliefs affect how you view how someone responds to you.

Using communication skills to ask for clarification and voice your feelings is always a good idea, check out the auxiliary session on Relationships and Resolving Disputes.

Also, looking within yourself. What about the negativity makes you anxious? What about the negativity makes you want to isolate yourself? Identifying what specifically about the negativity is so bothersome will help you to challenge your negative core beliefs around it. Session three on challenging negativity will help, especially the ten questions.

It is normal to feel disappointment or hurt when someone says something hurtful to you; however, allowing it to change how you view this world or yourself needs to be challenged.

Members, what are your thoughts?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 659

How do you keep a positive thought from turning into a negative thought when someone responds to you or your positive thought in a negative way? How do you keep this from becoming a negative core belief? How do you keep this from setting you back? How do you keep this from causing you anxiety? How do you stop yourself from running away and isolating yourself again? How do you challenge these negative thoughts?

Red

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Negative verses Positive