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CBT and childhood traumas

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

loves trees

I'm sitting here smiling because we have some things in common. I wasn't always capable of spending time alone, in fact I wanted to be around people so bad I got used. Being alone happened by accident. A group of us were going to go spend the weekend at a cabin I owned on a lake with a nice beach. Of course I went ahead to prepare everything, packing in food. I left the boat and motor for them and took the canoe. Well they decided to go to a party instead. So there I was, alone for the first time in my life. I thought they would show up the next day but they didn't and after a day of fishing by myself I didn't want them too. It was a bit scary but for the first time I noticed things around me without them being covered up. I went to town and got my dog and went back. My dog was an apple, but he is supposed to be, he was a dog.

The one thing about him was he was dependable most of the time.

The thing about learning to be alone is that you don't have to be. It just means you don't have to be with people if you don't want to. You can't be used if you don't want to. I can be in a relationship or I can be alone and I can go from one to the other without too much pain. (there is always pain) But I can stop gardening and spend time with visitors without feeling lost when they leave. That is how it should be. I talk to people when I meet them at the store or library. But I don't desperately seek them out only to go home feeling as you put it icky. It is balance on my terms.

I don't usually do woodwork till Dec or Jan. and then by march I'm starting plants again but still spending time in my shop. I never realized that it is noisier upstairs than in my shop till a neighbour was using it. My God, I won't be able to use it if there is any one staying here unless they have gone visiting or are using it at the same time. And there will be some one at some time because I like company, I just like me time also. It will take some compromise. All life does unfortunately.

My therapist says I'm vicarious. She means I feel other peoples feelings. I'm observant and caring also so some tragedy not even close to me can affect me. The death of some one I don't even know, sad movies, an animal that got killed for no reason, so you can see how apples rub off on me. Their complaining can really annoy me. I figure a person has to be pretty self centred to not feel something but yes I have met people who are. Some me time usually fixes that. A bit of time weeding or making sawdust works, even splitting firewood.

The mind has the ability to use the blurry eye for depth perception while ignoring most of the blur so it isn't too much problem. 25 years of adjusting to life not being what it used to be has left me more tolerable to most things. Except lies and abuse. I have a lot of trouble with inconsideration too although I usually let it slide for harmonies sake. A lot of time people don't even know they are doing it.

I'll go see my Doctor next week. I have a ride to see the specialist if it is in november but so far not before. The joys of being single, it has it's price.

Davit

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

Hi Davit,

I hope you get on the list at the hospital as soon as possible. Where I live people don't seem to have to wait too long but it is so dependent on time of year, whether the doctors are back logged or not, etc..so I hope they move you up on the list as fast as they can.

Today I was out and about, doing things, as per usual. And I ran into 2 negative people and 2 positive people. So we're back to the topic you posted about before, about how the negative sticks. Literally sticks to one's mind easier than the positive. I am very very determined to develop well honed techniques to deal with the negative ick left on me after being around someone negative (someone who gossiped, who snapped at me when they didn't need to, who was abrasive, dismissive, etc..).

This is a separate issue from the main one that I am working through which is how to manage relationships with people who are important to me. These people I interacted with today, these are passing interactions, I know most people give these interactions no thought at all but I am really sensitive to people in that when they are moody, defensive, angry, I notice it, and it leaves its mark on me. Even if it just someone I saw at the library for 30 seconds.

I imagine that some people are able to barely if at all think about these interactions after it is over. I think that is my goal. With people I don't have a relationship with. Like you know how we go to a store and if the store clerk is super surly that day (and even if its someone we don't know at all), it can sort of throw us off? That is what I am talking about.

Ah just being able to articulate this to you , and anyone else that wants to discuss this helps. What are your thoughts on this?

I have a sneaking feeling that I am going to become someone who really really enjoys my alone time in the future. If you recall, being alone and enjoying it was really hard for me when I joined this site and still is something I manage because I do'nt fully enjoy my alone time. But I think with my changes and all the work I'm doing with myself, alone time and solitude is going to become truly golden for me. I hope it actually. I want to really really enjoy alone time and solitude. I think that is a good thing if one can do that, enjoy one's company. You have talked about that often in your posts, enjoying woodworking, gardening. I want to get there too. Have you always enjoyed alone time or has it been something that comes and goes depending what is going on in life. The enjoyment of it I mean.

This is all part of my "accepting that the world has many apples in it" project. Your thoughts ,as always, very helpful to this project.

Does the cataracts prevent you from the woodworking? Or is the work of Autumn the main focus these days as we all close up shop in the garden and preapre for winter? My main hobbies are all very tactile as well, though not woodworking and I would find it frustrating not to engage with my hobby and materials. So far, age has made itself known with a bit of joint issue sometimes from overuse.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

I have to agree with you, for some cases DBT does work better. No argument there, I will never know because for me I was successful with my form of CBT which does not follow it to the letter but is very close. But every one is different and so CBT is a good place to start. You have techniques that would be important for things you have experience with and I don't. Not all my trauma starts in childhood but enough to condition how I treat all trauma the same due to the core beliefs I built on it.

My surgery is considered elective so I'm on a waiting list. The hospital is a training hospital so their priority is cases that will be staying in the hospital. Which is why last year I was more important. I probably won't even see a nurse this time unless something goes wrong. A cataract isn't considered an emergency yet a broken tendon gets you in next day. Oh well I can still see with one eye.

Davit.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

That is all really good to remember and keep in mind Davit.

There are over 200 views to this thread so it is possible this helped someone besides me. I guess my main message or learning I had is that CBT helps a lot with childhood issues but there are elements of PTSD, and there are ways that DBT techniques would work to help with the issues that arise from childhood traumas.

I could also share how my experience with exposure as it is written on this site was not as straightforward as it is for others with their unique experiences that are different than mine. Exposure for me was different because it related to experiencing growth and development that was missed earlier in life. It was very tricky and should have been done with the guidance of a skilled professional for sure. But it can be done.

Is your surgery very soon? I am sending good thoughts your way for good surgery and speedy recovery.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

loves trees.

People show up here when they find something they can relate too. So your form might be what they are looking for and you might be someone they can relate too. A friend said she found coming upon the middle of a thread made forums confusing therefore not for her. Also people often don't go back far enough so it doesn't make sense to them. the less technical the less scary too. So your opinion is a lot more valuable than you think. Some times they just want to know what we are doing to know we are doing something. One never knows which post can be the one to attract them. Maybe this one. And one never knows how much help we give without them doing more than read.

Davit

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

Whenever I feel better I want to give back as well. I couldn't find many posts to respond to last night here when I looked and I am of course open about the fact that my experience is just that, my experience and may or may not relate to someone else's experience. So I don't jump into other conversations on the site here unless I think my experience relates. I don't want to make the assuption that my experience relates to everyone else's unless it actually does. I do have a lot of experience with persevering despite lack of support and resources to do so. If others struggle with that, hopefully I can say something that is helpful to that person.

I want to find a way to give meaning to my experience by using it to help others also. It does give meaning to the experience I think. I know that there are a lot of people out there who could use someone to cheerlead their efforts the way you have for me, and others on this site, and the way many people in our lives just simply do not either out of ignorance or whatever other motivation, maybe just laziness.

You described it really well, that confusion about how to tackle this stuff and what to do and what will help. I have gotten some terrible, misguided, downright unprofessional "care" from people with lots of degrees in this area and who charge a lot of money for their service. It was crushing to reach out to the system and not get the care I needed.

I am figuring out some things that work for me, and I am sticking with them as you say. One of those things is managing how much time and energy I spend with apples. Before, I really used to get involved with them, trying to make friendships with them work, etc...and going through a lot of getting drained by it along the way. I am way more mindful of that now. I have worked on the factors that made me vulnerable to being manipulated or just treated poorly by others. That is huge. CBT helps with that indirectly because it helps you sort out your thoughts and look at what is reality and what is perception.

It is really sad that people take advantage of others but they do. And I don't think everyone who does that knows they are doing it. I think people working to build new core beliefs don't always get the support they need in that work. And it takes time. Davit I see your life as having huge meaning because I see all the posts you make to people here who are working with their core beliefs. It is valiant work.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

It is a very good feeling knowing the experience and the information I gathered while going though hell may save someone from making the same journey. I'm happy to keep researching with the help of my Therapist what I don't know. I found early on that guessing at this can be as deadly as Cancer. So one really must research it and they must find what works for them and stick with it. Like my Therapist I can make suggestions and point what I think is the way but it is still up to each person to see if it really is. And you can not know without asking questions. But when you find something that fits then the pieces fall into place and it is no longer a puzzle, it is a solution.

Thank you for giving meaning to my life. For making my day and all my days.

Davit.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

I do love fall. It has been my favourite season for a long time; the first warm day in spring is the 2nd best moment in the seasons for me- and probably a lot of other people.

I may ask Ashley for your email but right now I just really appreciate you even offering that. This week I made a list of factors that contributed to my getting to this better place emotionally and your responses and thoughts and insights were on that list in a huge way.

Being analytical, I could easily write out the list of things that have made it harder for me to overcome panic and negative thoughts and build positive beliefs over the old negative ones and be happy with being an orange. Some of those factors are external, i.e. a lacking health care system where I am, etc... but I would have to say my determination is more powerful than my other feelings such as getting worn out, tired, overwhelmed, stressed. I have fought really hard the last few years. The key word there is fight. Fighting is always going to make someone tired eventually. No one can fight forever without a break.

So over the last few weeks, with your help and a bunch of other factors helping me, including my own tenacity, and courage, I got to this place where I have these positive core beliefs that are much stronger than they were before.

and well your story about the first kiss made me smile because I am pretty sure one's first kiss is supposed to be embarrassing. its required! a rite of passage. You either get tangled with glasses or braces, or something else has to happen to make it the memory it becomes for us into adulthood.

ah the smell of processing apples. you may be done with that smell right about now but it sure is pleasant in small doses.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Hi loves trees

From your name I would guess you love the fall. I know I do especially the smell back on my pond trail when it is covered with leaves. When I was a child I was told that smell was bears. This is how core beliefs get started. I know it is rotting vegetation but still every time I smell it bears come to mind. If something this harmless can condition then no wonder I have more serious core beliefs. And just as untrue. I have another person coming to pick apples in a few minutes but I wanted to say if you have any questions you don't want on the site ask Ashley for my Email address.

Oh yes cataracts. If a person doesn't have a problem that a single lens will fix then most people don't need their glasses.

I've had glasses since I was a child. I only wear them to drive. At one time I wore them all the time. I remember my first kiss, my glasses got tangled with her glasses. How embarrassing.

Now there is an interesting memory to think on while I clean the cider press.

Davit.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

Hi Davit,

Thanks for the message.

There is a lot of backstory I don't go into here because this website is public, but the bottom line is that with CBT I started to get more and more assertive and it caused a few problems along the way. It probably still will in the future too. But there is no turning back for me. Its just hard sometimes to deal with the reactions I get or the changes I have to make because i have changed.

I have been trying to use lots of apples and also giving lots away as well. I can only eat so many apples in a day before I start to feel like one! Ha ha. I love the double entendre with that one.

I am having some interesting observations of people as I become more confident and assertive. The people who used to be able to draw me into their drama are not of any interest to me anymore. I am pretty sure that will keep building on itself and I won't get snagged with things that used to pull me down so much. I don't think I will need medication for very long either.

The first signs of fall are so lovely. Even the first cold is nice. It is interesting to me how we all take note of the change of season and enjoy the change.

I am so glad you have someone to go with you for your appointments. I heard that when you get surgery for cataracts that it corrects your vision as well (if you wear glasses). I don't know if that is true. I hope everything goes well with that.

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CBT and childhood traumas