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having a hard time

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11214

Sunny123,

Wow. I must say I am impressed. You are able to remain positive and see all the beautiful things in your life even when physically you are not feeling well. You are an inspiration.

Be easy on yourself and enjoy your porch. It sounds beautiful! I wish we were all there with you enjoying your beautiful garden!

The toad houses sound interesting! How have you been making them?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Today I feel like Wrestler. I've been getting well but I still can't do much as I tire easily and BP goes up. I can't even talk on the phone for long as my head gets dizzy and my voice fades. I feel disappointed that spring is here and I can't enjoy it. I can't go for my walks (which is what I used to fear - not the outdoors, but the ability to go far distances and be too weak to get back.) It feels as though I might have to start over this year. Last yr. because of the pain/surgery, this yr. the high BP. I'm feeling discouraged and little nervous that this will be the rest of my life. My toad house, only manged two so far, are sitting waiting to be finished. So I'm fearful and complaining today.

Turning it around, I'm happy to be alive, I have family (and the best dog) and friends who care and this support group too, I'll just take my time with the toad houses, they are covered with plastic and still wet and o.k., I get fresh air and walking in the backyard and I'm enjoying the birds and all the birdsong. I can see tulips, daffodils, narcissus and hyacinths so I am enjoying spring. I filled the bird bath. I can sit in the back porch (screened in) and have tea and read a book. I'm lucky I have the time to enjoy these things because I am not working and can stay home. I have stopped all volunteer work except what needs to be done by phone (hardly anything) and feel just fine about it.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 30

aww. You guys are awesome. I wish you lived around me. I need friends like you guys.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Davit: congratulations! isn't it great? you can take off and go wherever you please without that nagging negative thought. So happy for you. Now your body will heal even faster with such positive vibes. yay

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Animals know who to trust and who not to. Especially cats. There trust says a lot for you. Trust your animals and never mind what people think. I used to have a lot of farm animals before the Arthritis and I sure miss them. ( more than some of my supposed friends that aren't around any more.)

I was going through my journal and the difference in me now compared to me when I first came to this site is amazing.

I used to be frustrated, mad, sad, depressed and some times suicidal. Now I just want to get as much out of each day as the Arthritis will let me. Today I have been resting mostly after spending some time in my greenhouse. There is so much I want to do but it will just have to wait till tomorrow. Tomorrow I have to spend the whole day in town with appointments and I just realized that this used to be exposure and now it has become just routine, no longer something I used to dread. I wonder when that happened! Amazing! It just snuck up on me!

Davit.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

CoriJ: You have touched a couple of chords in me. 1. the anger that I turned inwards to myself instead of directing it to the offender and how after umpteen yrs. finally blew up and 2. how family secrets hurt the whole family, especially defenceless children.
p.s. i love that you love animals. they are great healers. my dog is my best buddy.

God bless you, I think you are on the right track.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 517

animals are great

I love my cat. My healer.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 30

yes. I am learning to be angry instead of hate. Hate consumes. I've been there and it was a hard hole to get out of. It was so bad at one point I couldn't even look in a mirror I hated me that much. One look at me and all the rage and self-loathing and bitter hate would come up and I'd want to smash the thing. and I'm not a violent person either. I am learning to accept the crappy stuff in my life, and I'm learning to actually love parts of me. I still have my days, I still hear the self-destructive voice sometimes, but I know what it sounds like now, and it's a little easier to tell it to go away.

I have been keeping a journal a bit. mostly on the bad days. I call it the "Journal of Things I Can't Say". I write down all the things I feel, but can't tell anyone about. Everyone I know has this image of who they think I am, and they can't see me any different. Very few people in my life know about my past. I can count those people on one hand. My mother would have a fit if she knew I was on here telling people 'secrets'. lol. But it's not her life anymore. It's mine and I'm taking charge of it. She'd probably still tell me not to go to counseling.

Those are two of my baby bunnies. My doe had a litter of six. They are the most precious things I have ever seen. I joke that they are my therapy. It shows me there is something good and beautiful in the world still. Some unspoiled innocence. Precious life. I held those babies when they were an hour old, and they fit in the palm of my hand. And I've held them every day for 7 weeks. Four of them are off to their new homes now, and I just have two left. Some days when I was feeling bad, I'd take them outside to play on the deck. They are so goofy and spastic, running around in laps, then turning on a dime to race around the other direction. Or they jump two feet high in the air, just for the heck of it. My cat likes to sit out and watch them with me. (I've taught him to be nice) He's fascinated by them too. No matter how bad I am feeling, they can always make me laugh. I open the cage up every morning, stick my face in and say "where's my babies?" and they would all come running over to bump noses with me. soooo cute.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Cori J

When I could still ride a bike before I became a cripple I had a wind trainer that my bike sat on. (Bolted to with one bolt) That way I could still peddle without going any where. Sorry about the misunderstanding about the custody. Your right. you are a family and this is your fight also. Just because forgiveness is a virtue doesn't mean you should waste it. By all means forgive those that deserve it. (those that didn't really mean to hurt you and those that don't understand). For the ones that intentionally hurt you, there can be no forgiveness because they haven't earned it. Anger! here is something I do and it has helped a lot. I took the word hate out of my vocabulary. I dislike a lot of things but I no longer use the word hate. Hate is a double edged sword it will cut the one using it also. Try it. Dislike will release anger where hate breeds it.

When you need to be held together come here and tell us. I will try to be here for you. Release all your frustration and anger here. It is like group therapy, talking about it helps a lot. You can talk about any thing, no one knows you. All I know about you is that you have concerns that need to be aired like the rest of us.

By the way I like the bunny picture.

Davit

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 30

thanks davit. I do have a lot of anger. However, I am learning to place it where it is due. I've already spent too many years consumed by it, and turning it towards myself. After hearing my mom always blaming me, I started to believe it, and I hated myself for it. I hated myself for letting it happen, and I hated myself for believing her. I grew up in a "good christian family" where you don't be angry or hold a grudge. you just blindly forgive no matter what. It's taken me a long time to accept that it's okay to be angry. I've always had to be the responsible one, the grown-up one, the one who holds it all together. So what do I do when I need to be held together? Where do I go?

I'm glad I found this site at least. I am thankful for your support and words of wisdom. Don't worry too much about offending me. You can never upset me as much as other people have.

As for the physical release, when I have the energy, I take my bike out, and I climb hills. Up and down, up and down. Lots of times though, I'm too tired from work, or I just feel drained and I can't get out.

I know the custody case is hard on me, but it's my family. I've been living with my bf (I'll call him R) for 3 years now. R and his son are more family to me than my family was.

I've noticed what sets me off the worst. It's when something happens that is totally wrong. When somebody does something so hurtful it goes against everything I feel and believe - the injustice. I know I can't fix it all, but I've always been a caring nurturing person, and I just want to make the hurt go away. for example, R's son's mother died about 5 years ago. He went to court against her sister (son's aunty) for custody and won. Now she's taken us back to court 5 years later saying we are unfit parents and we aren't looking after his needs. Nothing could be further from the truth. We love him and take care of him.

anyways, I need to go find something positive to do. I feel like I'm drowning in tears. Thanks for listening. (reading?)

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