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Moms with grown children - assistance needed

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Hi Juanita: Once upon a time....when my youngest was around 16 or so, she changed a lot. Without going into a lot of detail we decided to do the family counseling thing. She was about 16 then. We went to two meetings with her to a psychologist, then the rest of the meetings she went alone. This child was very smart, her grades were always in the 80's or 90's. When she started dating a certain boy, they went way down and she was skipping school. I'm not laying the blame all on him, it takes two to tango. Needless to say, I used to nag her about doing her homework, finishing assignments, etc. The psychologist told me that it wasn't my job, that it was her responsibility to do those things. Now, I know about letting kids receive the consequences of their actions and all that, but I really believed it was my duty as a parent to make sure my child was doing her homework. So, I let it go. That was easy, no more arguments. However, she did have to take a few subjects over again. That was what I wanted to protect her from. She learned the consequences of her actions afterall. And I realized it wasn't the end of the world. After 3-4 months, the change was very positive. It was the best thing for her. The boyfriend didn't work out, she started studying again and we noticed she was returning to her old self, happier, more respectful and probably wiser. I guess what I am saying is it worked for us, it may work for you if you chose this route.

A very important thing too is that both parents need to be on the same page. That is, you have to be in agreement about consequences and stick to it. Unfortunately for me, my partner and I would agree on something, but he easily caved in and I was left unsupported. I spoke to him about it many times and he would promise to do better. It was frustrating and maddening at times.

Hope some of this helps,

Your friend, Sunny

p.s. yes, she went on to college and graduated.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Hi Everyone,

First..I love the avatars..the candle pic is beautiful....Red...your flowers are gorgeous... Sunny..hahaha...love that one! Your scenery is great Davit....

But on to children....I feel the pain! ha..and the love!

I have 2 sons ..21..and 18. My oldest has been a challenge..its so hard to stand back and watch him mess up his life over and over again....He's a super-sweet sensitive guy with an enormous quest for knowledge, but when it comes to maturity he's around 12.

A few months ago he sent me an email, a very disturbing e-mail, and he now (again) lives at home...but this time part of the agreement was that he'd see a doctor and get assesed for ADD. Long-story (when are they never? ha) He was always a handfull. They wanted to put him on ritalin in grade 2..We were sacred and did not do that...oh in hindsight.....so he struggled through out school. He did see a doctor here...but he resists that anything is "not normal" with him..there were months that we didnt know where he was, or if he was even alive....he's had a few opportunities for good jobs, but has always messed them up, blaming other people.But yet, the other day..I had mentioned I wanted to get that Susan Boyle CD of Christmas music...well, he comes home with it for me...so sweet...but he doesnt have the $...

.He is now waiting to see a psychologist..but I dont think he's really ready...he's gone tthrough 3 vehicles..all junky...I had to pay 1000.00 in tickets and fines, 3 cell-phome plans...you get the idea.. he has no sense of responsibility....but what to do?

I'm happier now that he's at home, at least I'm less worried, but I fear that he will never be able to look after himself...he was supposed to be doing some upgrading, but he now tells us he doesnt want to do that..

I was pretty much on my own from 13 up..ya, I didnt leave until I was 18, and I never went back, but I think because we have spoiled him, and doted on him..to make up for our rotten childhoods... that he is so dependent us...any one out there got some advise on this one?

My youngest, though,has been treated pretty much the same, but he's not a bit like his brother.. I hate using the word "normal" but thats the only one that comes to me.

Wow! There's my parenting saga so far...Its so comforting to read that I am not alone in my angst!

Take care,

Juanita

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 12049

Members,

This is a very heartfelt thread

. We do what we can for our children and in time they will do the same. Great advice given by all.

Be strong, it is still time to do what is best for you!

Josie, Health Educator

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

thank you all for your warm welcome and thank you Andie for bringing up the topic... it finally got me posting

Parenting can certainly be anxiety provoking. I have been watching and reading and learning so much. The strength and wisdom here are evident. I am grateful to be welcomed.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 72

Thank you Sonny and Red. You have been a great help and I feel much better and stronger from your strengths. I am letting go. If I need support when I feel some pain, I will ask for your support ! Thank you. I know I am not alone. It's so good to hear how others are/have done it.

This was just what I needed. Andie

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 659

Good morning everybody. Hi m welcome to support group. Love your candle pic... Now on to the question about grown children... I too left home very young 16 years of age and was a very young mother. I lived in a house that my parents inherited for many years. I was very tied to my parents and it was very hard to have a life of my own. I had to check in with them daily. I really couldn't call my soul my own..So when it comes to my son I have made a point of letting him have a life of his own with his wife and children. I have made a point of not being a needy, controling and meddling parent like my parent were . I encouraged my son to leave the nest and have a live of his own...

I do not call him on a regular basis. He calls from time to time and we catch up and talk and I do enjoy these talks and hearing his voice. I do miss him but at the same time I know he has and needs his own life as so do I....

Growing up is hard to do,

Red

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Hi m and others: Welcome m to the forums. Re: older children. I never felt the empty nest syndrome everyone talked about. When my children left, I felt they were mature enough to make their own decisions and make their own mistakes to learn from. If they call for advice, then sure, I let them know what I think about whatever situation they are discussing, at the same time letting them know that the choice is theirs, not mine. I am not the kind of mother who calls them every wk. They have a life, married or single, they have been told the door is always open no matter what. Sometimes I can see their struggle over something, a broken marriage/relationship, financial problems which I may be able to help them with sometimes, and yes, it does hurt to see your child struggling with what life is throwing at them at the moment, but I've learned to let go and trust that they will find the way. It is their life path, not mine, I am an observer. I do let them know I am here for them anytime, just for a chat or a hug, whatever they need. If long periods of time go by and I feel like saying hello, I can pick up the phone and call and do just that and be cheerful, not accusatory about why they aren't keeping in touch. It's worked so far. Just in case you are thinking my children were perfect growing up, no way, we had our problems too. I wasn't always this good at it, I had to remind myself sometimes not to get too involved in their choices, they owned it, not me. I used to get overly emotional at times, now I can take a couple of steps back and be more relaxed. Every day we can learn how to live healthier, emotionally and physically.

Hope this gives you some ideas.

Your friend, Sunny

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 72

Hi 'M',

Welcome to the group. There is a great bunch of people here to converse with. And, the lessons are great, immediate relief, atleast for me!

Thank you for responding. I needed to hear you (And I hope others will join in) and I'm going to do the same. No calls, let him live his life and learn as he goes along as we did. I was on my own from 18 - I probably should say, oh, I don't know, I'll pick a number, 12, although it's probably earlier, since I had no guidance from my parents. That's probably why I over do it. And I know what he's like. I can't deny his personality or skills he''s learned from his dad. I can no longer be sucked into his world by his voice that still sounds 10 (random # in my mind). I'll treat this like an addiction that needs to be kicked and matered.

I know his phone calls stopped when I told him I won't be helping him with money anymore (before this event).

Well, although there's a pain in my heart over this, I'll use the techniques given here. I know they work.

I will call this morning to ask about Rocky, and give him some #s of places that help with paying emergency vet bills.

Thank you. Please stay with us. If you are helping me I'm sure you have much to give as well as receive from us.

'A'

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Welcome ~m

I've noticed you looking at us and wondered if you would join. Many is the time I wanted to say come join us. But this is a personal choice. So I just want to say welcome and I hope you stay.

Here for you,

Davit

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

Oh, upsidedown... I hear you,.loud and clear. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooo One tells you that bearing children lasts a lifetime. So much hope, so much worry. I hear your mother pain and experience it myself as well. My alive son just turned 30 years old and he sounds just like yours. When my son goes on and on and on about the most current crisis in his life (and there is always something) I can't help but remember that I was totally on my own at age 17. Self-supporting. Self-sufficient.

WTF! I can't help it. Sometimes that's all I can hear in my head :/ I love my son. I truly do..... and I understand that his immaturity is much my fault.... but geeeeeeze.... when is he gonna start solving his own problems? To definitely answer one of your questions.... I never call him except for holidays and bdays or if anything special happens in the family. Otherwise I figure no news is good news and let him (and me) be. It IS hard, but I like to think healthier in the long run.

His sister is very different. Granted she has a husband and children which helps in the being grounded part. Amazing how two children form the same parents can be so different. I don't want to bore you with details.... but just wanted to let you know that I understand and your comments... processing... over your son helps me a lot. Please keep posting!

Good luck figuring this out and please share the wisdom you gain in the process!!!!

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Moms with grown children - assistance needed