Hi,
I'm new to this website and just wanted to get something off my chest. I'd also love to hear from people who can relate (hopefully not many people can as this is a ****ty thing to experience) I realized only the other day that I've never actually been honest with anyone, including myself, about how troublesome my worrying has become.
Over the years I've developed the recurring thought that I'm sick. It started with a genuine medical concern of severe stomach cramps, nausea (I could go on but essentially the symptoms of Crohn's/IBS without blood being apparent). I went through a string of medical tests to no avail - I never had a doctor look at me and say "There's nothing wrong with you", only that what they had tested me for had come back negative. I had explained my recurring pain to my doctor at the time and was told I would just have to "deal with it". I stopped going to the doctor after that for quite a while, though all the symptoms remained, if not became worse.
On a bad day before anxiety came to the forefront of everything else, I would be: achy, sore, tired, lethargic, depressed, light and noise sensitive with stomach cramps/muscle cramps, nausea, indigestion, breathlessness, anxiety when going out in public, shakiness, body aches and pains and just plain sick feeling.
After the more troublesome amount of anxiety set in (about 2 months ago) I've had trouble breathing, heart palpitations, chest pain, dizziness, a choking feeling, severe panic attacks that have lasted 2+ hours - which started the irrational (see, as I type that a small part of myself still says, "you don't know that it's irrational for sure") thought that I was going to have a heart attack and die.
I've been wondering what pushed my anxiety off the edge - after some reflection I realized that I've felt a lesser degree of this for the last three to four years, but have never been able to admit it to myself. In the last few years I stay home to avoid social situations, walking into a crowded room makes me feel like I'm going to throw up, I'm constantly high whenever possible (marijuana) because it helps my nausea and I'm able to eat so I avoid doing so in public when I'm not stoned (since I don't smoke and go out into public, this causes anxiety as well). Because I smoke so often and I don't go out when I do, it allows me to create an "excuse" to stay in and be alone. And generally have had a sense of anxiety/panic wherever I go - but I just happened to be functional.
I think this bout of severe anxiety/depression (which, admittedly, has never been as bad as it is now - I'm not even working, which is odd considering I've worked without vacation for the last 6 years) has been triggered by the amount of people around me who are sick/have been sick.
Within the last year I've had 3 family members diagnosed with cancer, 1 diagnosed with depression, 5 of my close coworkers have chronic illnesses, 3 acquantainces I've known have died from cancer.
My father has Crohn's and is waiting for a kidney and a liver, my stepfather has had a heart attack, both my grandparents died from cancer, I lived with my grandfather while he was dying when I was young.
I just feel like maybe it's been implanted in my brain subconsciously that people get sick all the time. I've just seen so many instances where people get sick (and people I know personally) and I think I started to believe that if I became hyper aware of what I was feeling and my body, that if I ever did get sick or if I was sick, I'd catch it in time and wouldn't die. Denying that and never telling anyone that, I think, has caused my anxiety to finally come full force and turn into something that I can't "control" anymore.. I suppose I never really did, I just surpressed it.
Thank you for reading, and for any responses.. I've never been comfortable in a group setting or a forum of sorts and it's very new to me to, well, ask strangers anything..
