I've been working on my anxious thoughts. It's unbelievable that I haven't had any bad panic attacks in the last 2 wks. I've definitely had some extreme anxiety, anger, and frustration--but the therapy really works. I sit and tell myself that these are just sensations and I'm not going to panic. That sounds easy but it wasn't. The anxiety was so severe at times that I felt like my head was going to explode. I still kept telling myself that I am not afraid and it will pass like it always does.
I've been so out of it that my only time out of the house was taking my cousin back and forth to work. (I agreed to this so that I wouldn't become housebound) I used to dread the drive there and back twice a day. Sometimes I would feel like I wouldn't make it. There were even days when I just couldn't do it. But now I'm actually beginning to enjoy the ride. I'm starting to enjoy driving again.
I'm just beginning the exposure therapy. I went a few places with a family member (a few times) and did o.k. but I was very very anxious.
Yesterday I decided that I would go a few places alone. I went to the gas station to get gas and succeeded in staying in the dreaded line. From there, I went to one of the places I went with my family. My anxiety was high but I stayed. Eventually the anxiety came down and I thought I could enjoy myself. Well, it came back with a vengeance. I took a break and sat in the car determined to go back in. My anxiety reached such a high level that I was afraid to drive home. I still kept telling myself that I wasn't afraid. I actually let myself go and told it to do whatever it wanted so it could go away-and I could go home. It subsided enough for me to drive home but I felt like crap for hours. I actually had to lie down and wait for it to be over.
Today I was still determined. I got up, took a shower, (I usually wait to shower to make sure I'm fine) and got dressed. ( I usually only get dressed about once a week). I took my cousin to work and despite yesterday, I enjoyed the ride. I was a little anxious at first but I know I can't let this take control of my life. I went to a small corner store and I was fine. Then I went a little further to a bookstore. I didn't stay long but I didn't feel bad either.
Tomorrow I try again!
sorry my posts are so long. Before all of this I was the person people came to for motivation. I just hope someone gets some type of motivation from me regardless of my current situation. Although I'm not "cured" I'm looking forward to getting better and I know I will. I'm definitely spiritual which helps a lot also.
God bless and again I thank God for this site!
