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Facing Fear

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2508

Hi Debora,

I decided to stop by while I am waiting to turn over the chicken in the oven..I am trying to distract myself by cooking.Thank you for saying a rosary for us..I am sure it will help..I am glad to here you are getting a little better..

As for the antibiotic. I was taking it for a different condition than you are..It was a gastric problem..They started me on Cipro and I was to take it for 10 days..I still wasn't getting better a week later so they added another antibiotic called Flagg which is used for diverticulitis..So I had to take another course of Cipro plus Flagg for another 10 days..After being on the the meds for 18 days plus my stomach med Asacol I started to get better. What I finally did to keep from getting dehydrated was to get some pedialyte to drink from the drug store and some Gatorade..This helped me to feel a lot better and gave me a little energy..I also make a lot of Jello, canned soup and some toast to keep up my strength..So maybe if you can get a little Gatorade or pedialyte into your system you start to feel better. Have a little something bland to eat and you should feel a little better.

Well I gotta go the kitchen timer is ringing..Talk to you later..

Red....

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Hi Red,

Thank you for writing me back. I am very nacous right now with diareah, I know its the antibotic, I only have 2 days left I really want to finish them, did your doctor say to just finish them when you got loose stools on the eighth day? I hate too stop them now especially since its so close to the end, I wish this new symptom did NOT come its just adds to the horrible anxiety.

Did you take the whole ten days antiobotic Red? Did it take the full ten days too feel better?? Sorry so many questions I do not want to bother you I know you are not doing well yourself, after I write this I am going to say a rosary for us both and everyone on this site. My voice seems a little stronger today, which is good, still hoarse and raspy but a little stronger I hope that continues, and the broncitis seems to have gone away, the only thing really remaining is this severe stabbing pain in my ear when I eat or drink, that is probably why I am getting such a upset stomach because I am hardly eating or drinking because its causes so much pain and an antibotic on a empty stomach is not good, I hope the loose stools stop I do not want to get dehydrated, another fear another symptom! Looking forward too hearing from you, thank you so much Red. Deb.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2508

Hello Debora

I am so sorry to hear you had a bad night with nightmares and are feeling scared..When I was taking the antibiotics I started getting diarrhea after 8 days and panicked and called the doctors office..A nurse called back and didn't think it was the antibiotic but when I saw the doctor later in the week she said it was the antibiotics and not my diverticulitis which was a relief..The nurse said I could take Kaopectate for the diarrhea if I needed too. I finally took one dose and it worked. I know you are worried about the having tests so am I. Its all I can think about right now.The emotional and physical stress is hard to take..I have been worried all day too..I just turned on the TV and am going to see if I can find something to watch to take my mind off of it for a while..Maybe watching a dvd or somethng would help take your mind of it for a while.

I hope you can get into see your regular doctor soon..If not you did mention going to emergency..That may not be a bad idea..If you are not feeling better soon..Taking your klonopin sound like a good idea right now too. It will help you to calm down so you can get a little rest from all the worrying..We are going to get better I believe that..Once we calm down it won't be so bad....

I will stop by later and see how you are doing...

Red....

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Thank you RED and CARMIE.

I will try saying that Red "Lord please take the pain I cannot take it anymore" which is true the emotional and physical pain is almost unbearable and now I am having diareah because my husband has frightened me so about a camera down my throat, the brontitis seems to have gone away but the pain in the ear and the hoarseness are worse than ever, wouldnt an antibotic work after eight days? if it were in fact a bacteria or virus? I know it would NOT work if its cancer, I can barely eat or drink because of the pain when swallowing, it feels like someone is stabbing me in the ear. Its so hard not too feel anxiety about these horrible symptoms of throat cancer and the procedures coming up and the bad diagnosis, I am so scared Red I am actually shaking.

I am going to try and calm down I may take my klonopin early today too calm me down, thank you so much for youre words and prayers, I am praying for you also, there MUST be a way out of this for all of us, I have to believe that.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2508

Hi Debora,

I am happy you like the flowers..I took this picture as a distraction. To get my mind off of the fear..Something beautiful to look at..I like pink too..It's 5 am here. I have been awake since 4 am..No nightmares last night. I hope you didn't have any either. I think I understand what you are going through. When I wake up the thoughts and fear start up again..I am really more afraid of the tests than of having cancer this time I really don't understand why. I did read on the Internet about the risks of one of the tests..I have had this test before and I didn't know it was dangerous at the time..Here I am 15 years later going though the same tests but this time I am really scared of the test..Last time I was more afraid of them finding cancer. I wish I hadn't got sick and had to go to the doctor..They just seem to be finding more wrong with me. I have been sent to three different types of doctors this last month, each has there own specialty and each has there own tests they want me to do...Yes I am very scared too, just like you of all the tests..I am not really sure if these tests are all necessary...I really don't have much faith in any of it at all...

The fear and anxious thoughts start up again when I wake up and pretty much gnaw and claw at me all day..I have been trying to distract myself with my crochet and other things and it is very hard to do but it does help for a little while..Maybe you could try a distraction to take your mind off of the fear for a little bit..I find even a few minutes helps to rest the mind.

I will be praying for both of us..Debora..One of my favorites that a woman who called to check on me from a local church suggested I use was to say or repeat in your mind...I Can't Take This Pain Lord..Please Take it from me..This one has helped me on many occasions over the the last 9 years..I hope it helps you too..

May peace, sleep and good health come to you too Debora..

Red...

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Hi Red,

I just saw you're post and I wanted to tell you I identify and relate to every word and emotion of it all, especially about the bad dreams I have those too where I am in a hospital, you are not alone I understand the fear and apprehension I so totally do.

I am facing procedures too. You probably read that I have completely lost my voice I can just squeak and rasp and everytime I swallow I have deep pain in my one ear that feels like a razor blade, you know its bad but whats worse is the fear of what it is. I foolishly "googled" and many of the search engines came up throat cancer, just like I did last month with the ovarian cancer, sometimes I wish for the days when there were no computers, I have been taking antibotics for days and just a very slight improvement so I understand what you are saying and I am praying for you and wishing all is well for both.

Its about 3:00am here and I cannot sleep either, the fear keeps me awake, I hope right now you are in a deep peaceful slumber and getting good rest, sleep is so important I know. You and Carmie and Sunny and Hugs and Donna and all the others have kept me "sane" I think, along with the wonderful moderators here, I am so grateful to have you all with me.

I love you're new picture, pink is my favorite color, its a beautiful picture. May peace and sleep and good health come to us all!

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2508

Hello Again Ashley,

It's great to have you walking this path with me..Guiding me along the way. Fighting this Fight is so much easier when you are not doing it alone. It is interesting how panic starts with the fight or flight response and here I am fighting the fear and winning..I am not running anymore..I am learning how to reframe my thoughts and turn things around into positive action..

I have decided that when they call to schedule me for my renal needle biopsy I am going to tell them that I would like to talk to the Dr. that will be doing procedure before I schedule it..I hope I can talk to this person..I think this would help me deal with the fears I am having..If I can't talk to them, well I can always refuse the test..It is my choice..I am in control..I have the last say..I would like to make a informed decision if possible..

As for the today I taking a break from it all..The phone ringing is a big trigger and it is ringing big time. My cell phone was ringing but no voice mail was left..I never answer the phone unless I know you is on the other end..I have caller ID on my phone..If they want to talk to me they will have to leave a message and a real call back number. I am in no hurry to schedule right now any way..So I have decided to turn the ringer off for now..I have actually turned my phone completely off for months at a time and it really works great, but this time I am just going to turn the ringer off. I really need to rest and relax for now...I have enough on my plate next week already..Scope is on Wednesday..Prep on Tuesday..They can leave a message and I will get back to them later next week..First things First. I am taking this One step at a time..I am in control. It is my appointment book not theirs..Like it or not..

I am starting my weekend early..

Red...

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11214

Hi Red,

I'm glad you took me there. You are not alone in this. And don't worry about me, I want to be right there beside you while you fight this fear - that's my passion; I don't find it scary at all. I totally agree with you in regards to doctors. The human being is much, much more then their physical bodies. Some good doctors realize this.

I would like to point out that you jumped head first into your fear and you were ok. You got through it and you coped by using all the skills you have acquired. You had control the entire time. Nice work! Did you notice that? Is there anything else you noticed?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2508

Good Morning Ashley,

I was a little concerned about taking you there with me..I don't want to a cause anyone harm with all of this. You remember that I have a lot of personal experience with PTSD from taking care of someone with ptsd and dementia..Going through their panic with them left me with lots of fears of my own..The whole experience also left me with lots of fear as it relates to trust and the lack of control I have over the whole process..I do not have much faith in doctors..I pretty much feel like a lab rat..Just another specimen. It is so impersonal..I feel like I would be much better off if they would look at me and realize that they need to treat the whole person sitting in front of them..That there is more to it than just the physical person...If they had the experience that I have had actually caring for people they would see there is much more to health care than the physical site of it..I think this would alleviate a lot of my fears..but it is hard to trust people when I don't think they see me as a living and feeling human being..I am a person not a lab rats.

Anyway there this is not much I can do about that. They want their specimen and that is their passion..My passion is the persons spirit..the persons emotional well being..

On a more positive note..When I was feeling scared and sad like this yesterday I decided to distract myself by cleaning the kitchen and working off some of my fear..After that I decided to get involved in something creative and got out my yarn, a variegated rainbow colored yarn..Something bright and cheery in contrast to the dark musty green and earth tones colors of the hospital corridors..I spend the day figuring out and working on the pattern and today I am going to relax my mind and focus on a new pattern and work up a swatch sample..This will take a lot of concentration and with give my mind something pleasant to focus on...Thats the plan for today..I should feel better and things should look brighter as the day progresses.

Red...

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11214

Red,

Wow, what a description. That is exactly what I was looking for. Thank you for having the courage to write that all down. I can really see and feel your fear right with you. It was a hard exercise but you did it. I think I get a really good sense of how you felt then. How do you feel now?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

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