Welcome to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Day (CBT) on the forums!
One day a week a health educator will launch a challenge. Members are
encouraged to take on the challenge and post their results. Four days
later, a educator will post specific tips and strategies to aid you in
the way you look/interpret yourself and the way you view the world.
Last week’ challenge will pertain to anger and in keeping with this theme, this week we will be discussing communication skills…
Some individuals tend to have extreme communication styles (passive,
aggressive, passive-aggressive) because they feel that their needs and
expectations aren’t being met in important relationships.
When people don’t believe that their needs are being met they can either
give up (passive) or try to get what they want in a different way
(aggressive, passive-aggressive). As we’ve seen, these extreme styles
tend to lead to relationship problems, such as:
• Passive people make other people make all the decisions and keep others guessing about what they really want.
• Aggressive people make other people angry because they feel like they’re being bullied.
• Passive-aggressive people make others frustrated because they won’t
come out and say what they want. Instead, they try to make other people
do what they want by indirect means.
Extreme communication styles usually result in people communicating in a number of unhelpful ways.
Passive Communication Style
When people communicate in a passive way, they tend to communicate their
belief that other peoples’ rights and needs are more important than
their own. People who communicate in a passive way often let other
people make all of the decisions and generally agree with those
decisions in order to avoid conflict or rejection. In other words,
people who communicate in a passive way may know what they need and
want, but they’d rather avoid expressing their needs so they can avoid
conflict or rejection.
People who have a very passive communication style can convince
themselves that they’re nice and easy going, and make good friends and
romantic partners. At first glance, such a person may sound like a good
friend or romantic partner. However, people who are extremely passive
are actually kind of difficult to get along with because they have a
hard time telling you what they really want and they rarely make solid
decisions. So, if you’re in a relationship with a person who has a very
passive communication style you spend a lot of time trying to decide
what to do and usually have to guess what the other person really wants.
This can get really irritating. People want others to express what they
really want, at least sometimes.
It’s also easy for passive communicators to get aggressive. This happens
when people who usually communicate passively get tired of not
expressing what they really need and want. Because they rarely
articulate their needs, they almost never get what they want. As a
result they can get frustrated and angry with other people for not
knowing (guessing) what they need - and as a result of this they express
their needs aggressively.
Aggressive Communication Style
When people communicate in an aggressive way they tend to communicate
their belief that their rights and needs are more important than the
rights and needs of others. People who communicate aggressively often
bully people to make sure that they get what they want. Sometimes people
who communicate in an aggressive way are just jerks. However, sometimes
people communicate their needs aggressively because they fear that if
they don’t force people to respond to their needs and wants, they won’t
get anything in return.
Passive-Aggressive Communication Style
When people communicate in a passive-aggressive way, they say things and
do things that give the appearance that they believe that other
peoples’ needs are more important than their own. But this is deceptive
because they are actually putting their own needs first. People who
communicate in a passive-aggressive way try to get their needs met by
preventing other people from getting their needs met. They act like
they’re easy to get along with but they’re often communicating that
they’re unhappy with how things are. They can do this by pouting,
sulking and withdrawing. Sometimes they’ll express themselves by making a
scene (slamming doors, throwing things, making faces, etc.). They often
say things through their actions, but not through direct words.
The problem with passive-aggressive communication is that the people
they communicate with only receive negative feedback about their needs
and wants. Instead of directly expressing what they want,
passive-aggressive people indirectly express what they don’t want. As a
result, the other person in the relationship feels criticized, helpless
and like they can’t do anything right. It is difficult to guess what
somebody really needs and it is painful to only get negative feedback
about what somebody doesn’t want.
How often do you communicate in this manner? Today we challenge you to
keep count with a pen and paper. As you track, don’t forget to note the 5
W’s of your communication: Who was there? What happened? Where did it
happen? And why did it happen?
Don’t forget to share your results here and to tune in later in the week!
Ashley, Health Educator