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Asserting Yourself with Scary People

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6

I meet alot of people being a server and a full time student. I used to be a very shy person and I would never talk. Over my college years and having lots of time serving others I have came out of my shell a little. I still am quiet in class, but I do involve myself when I feel the need and I try to strike up conversations with people when I can. I have made some great friends in my field of study because of our common interests. It has not always been that easy for me though. I used to always think people were giving me the stink eye if I talked in class or were judging me. As a server I used to get intimidated by people who would talk down to me, yell at me for what seemed to be petty to me, and I would let it affect the rest of my day. Now I am not saying I still do not have those customers and they do not affect me at all, but I have learned to stand my ground for the most part. I used to let scary people dictate my behavior and my day based on how they treated me. I still struggle with it, but I am learning to go through the motions to stand up for myself and to be involved.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4027

NC,

I saw a movie called "Mean Girls" which describes the adolescent inculcation of verbal hostility. I think boys start with physical violence, and are more vulgar, but the two are blending, I'll bet as both are socialized now, in similar ways.

I forgot about that movie. At work, I know I'd challenge one woman if she rolled her eyes, since she was meanspirited, but I like her for other reasons.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 28

I can truly relate om this issue. I don't know what genders any of you are referring to but I know from experience of working around a group of women, things can get pretty nasty at times. It's like being on Drama Central Avenue and many times I have felt like I was back in high school rather than at work with mature adults. The mentality and maturity level was pretty much equal to high school age. Whenever I've brought up how things are where I work to a friend outside of work, I'm told repeatedly that it's always that way around a bunch of woman. I told someone the other day that maybe something went wrong with my DNA during birth, since I am a woman and I choose to avoid this drama at work and the high school type groups who hang together. I just have no desire to be around this type of behaviour but you sometimes can't avoid it in group settings such as meetings. We only have 2 men on our entire team and I am so blessed to work down the same aisle as both of them. I was moved to this aisle over a year ago and I was so elated when that happened. It's just so peaceful and calm :) Yeah, I can occasionally pick up whispers of gossip the next aisle down but at least I don't have to be right in the midst of it anymore.

Because of now having to deal with my anxiety that has returned with a vengeance, I just can't afford any confrontations with anyone as that will just escalate my anxiety so I have opted to stick to my desk as much as possible. I also have to constantly listen to my relaxation music on my ipod at work to calm my anxiety so that drowns out any negative conversations around me :)

I guess this kind of thing will always go on at work. So many people with so many different personalities trying to work together.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4027

Hi Ashley,

I did say something condescending about the other group, but "the look" really shook me up. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so sensitive, but wouldn't that take away my capacity to love and nurture?

After a troubling night, and waking up to those @#$%^&* coing pigeons, I was able to go into and out of a meeting with a banking clerk without getting another bloody nose.

You know they say that "...of it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger..."

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2508

Hi Hugs,

Good tread and interesting topic..

I would bet most of us have been in a situation of this type..I think ground rules are a great idea.

I was at a event last week where ground rules were needed..and we are in the process of coming up with some suggestions for our branch president for next years event and yearly meeting..Our situation involves certain members of the group that like to get together and isolate themselves from the group and invent there own group within the group,which makes it very hard to work as a team..I think it is a control issue in our case..kind of a divide and conquer type of thing. Which makes it uncomfortable for all of us that are trying to do what is best for the group as a whole..

Red...

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11213

Hi Hugs,

Asking for some ground rules sounds like a good idea.

Try not to worry about the other persons dirty look. They may not have even noticed they were doing it or maybe they were upset about something else going on in their life. Either way, you did nothing wrong so don't let other people's negativety bring you down.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4027

I took a course where there's a lot of personal "sharing", and I've been a good contributor. The problem with the course, is that like neighbours, you can't control their behaviour.

During yesterday's small group meeting, two of the people, both of them working in the legal profession(one of them a lawyer), pressured me to "go first". I felt bullied. Also, one of them gave me the nastiest look one could muster(at least that I've ever seen), after I made a slight against another group. I don't think either the pressure to speak(not necessary) or the dirty look was appropriate.

What I plan to do, is ask for "groundrules" from the facilitator, such as being able to pass. I have to admit, that I wish to quit, out of disappointment, but I can apologize, but a scowl isn't reversible.

I've learned that flight doesn't work, after a lot of experience. Hopefully I can assert myself next time, but it's difficult since there's a vulnerability necessary for this class, so maybe I can accept the conflict.

Do others meet "scary" people who just intimidate them, scaring one into a "shell"

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