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12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

That was a very positive helpful post Tanya, thank you. I have been crying a lot these last few days, I use to cry after panic attacks, or during them, I know crying is healing and cleansing I just look awful after I do it. I am going to try this week to get my hair done for the holidays and look better, I keep hearing from my Aunt {she has been great through this with me} "if you look better you will feel better" its worth a shot, I know this sounds bad but I just kind of gave up, I sometimes feel so physically and emotionally sick and weak and bad I cannot muster the energy too look better, but I have to at least try! Thanks for the words about the pasta, at least I know what it was now and that was comforting, I try to eat good; pasta, veggies, fruit, lean chicken and fish, I never eat candy cookies or ice cream {they make my teeth hurt} hardly any sugar or salt so I am trying, I am hoping these feelings I am having are PMS and not a setback, I so want to get well and live again. I pray everynight for healing and I do feel closer to God, my self-esteem is shot but I am going to try and do something about that and maybe, as Sunny says, pamper and beauty treatments, I will somehow muster the energy to do this instead of worrying about cancer, heart attacks, accidents etc.......I need to put my thoughts on a positive track instead of negative.

I really messed up the computer Davit tonight when I tried to re-boot! I think it needs service, I fell asleep for awhile, I took a benzo it calmed me down but it made me so tired, the good news Davit is that I made it through the night alone, tried to think positive thoughts and no "BUTTING" I remember you told me that, Sunny reminded me about Christmas cards I need to think about that soon. I want to start moving forward again and be strong and healthy, I want it more than anything, my hope and prayer if for no other reason my son who needs me. You are all so wonderful, you keep me going.....Thank You!!

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 25

Hello Again Debora :)

I am sorry to read about what you are going through. Actually, I feel the same way about my looks right now and it is very rough on my self esteem which makes my anxiety much worse. Here is a suggestion for this that has helped me; working for Avon as a hobby. This got me talking to people comfortably, it didn't cost a lot of money,

I was able to attend free online beauty classes, and it is a healthy distraction. Being a mother of a challenged child does not leave you a lot of time to think about make-up, and when wearing your make-up makes you feel worse about yourself, it is a huge blow to the confidence that we need as women for our emotional health.

Another suggestion; consulting a professional about your diet. There are times when depression can have a lot to do with what you are eating and when you are eating it. You likely got sick from the wheat pasta because your body is not used to it and decided to clense itself of some of the toxins that may have been stored in fat cells. I know a lot about this because I eat mostly fruits, vegatables, and whole wheat food and when I cook for my friends and family and their bodies are not used to it, they have a big "purge" afterward. The funny thing is that my mom has panic disorder as well and after years of me talking to her about this, she finally changed her diet and is now feeling and doing great! And she was always one of the ones that critisized my diet! lol.

I can't take antidepressents anymore either, so I can relate to you there as well. One thing I learned from that though is that crying is very cleansing and sometimes a needed part of our lives. It is natural and healthy to cry when you feel that you have lost something (refering to the words that you shared about feeling like you have wasted time). When we cry, it brings outside of us what is happening inside of us. Your tears may be showing you a broken heart that needs healing. Have you ever let yourself cry during your prayer time? Crying during prayer is one of the most powerful experiences that you can share with your diety. Be open with your God about your inner pain and let Him see how you feel about what you are going through.

Being honest and open about your feelings lets others that love you know that you need comfort and support. This will give them an opportunity to get closer to you emotionally and help you through these difficult times. Again, I hope that this helps and that you are comforted. Take heart, for even though you may not see it, you are getting stronger every day. Think about the positive things in your life and focus on what you do have going for you and this will give you strength to move forward. In the words of the wise character in Kung-Fu Panda, "The past is history, the future is a mystery, but the moment is a gift, which is why it is called "the present"".

(hugs)

Tanya

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Thanks Davit.

I am getting through the night alright, a little nervous but holding my own. My friend tends to be a little abrupt at times, she is a strong strong person and I guess has no tolerence for weakness, I would of been so happy if I was able to go but next time. I am going to let my dogs out Davit they are standing by the door wimpering to get out, I will write back after I do this, I dont want any accidents on the floor! Plus I want to re-boot the computer, I have more to tell you, I will try extremely hard to remain positive!

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Debora

Notice that you ended your first paragraph positive. This is good.

Second paragraph. People do not always express themselves well. Except for the word pathetic that whole sentence could be aimed at the situation rather than you. It is sad that you can not go but it does not have to be aimed at you it could be aimed at the situation. Is she the type to be rude or did she just pick the wrong words. Here I'm giving her the benefit because I just don't know.

The rest of your post is positive, congratulations. Keep finding something positive to end each paragraph. Vent still if you are feeling sad or negative but if you find yourself wanting to put in conditions with a "but" then make it positive.

This is CBT. This is taking the tendency to see the worst and seeing the best instead, even if the best there is isn't much. Every time you end a paragraph in something positive you tilt your attitude towards cured and you set your perception on the road to positive so that soon you see good rather than bad even if the day is going bad.

Keep posting, We have a start here.

Davit.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Thanks anerol for writing, I will have to thank mickey lover, thank you Mickeylover, sorry I got confused, I so appreciate all the comments that people take time too write me. Yes I agree that was rather harsh of her, but I am trying not too think about it too much, especially when I am trying hard, its so good to hear that you do not worry as much about the body sensations, that is wonderful!! Good too hear, I hope one day they can decrease for me too. I feel a little better with the food and pill now. I am going to just stay home tonight and not go down the street, perhaps its better to be alone for now.

I was going tell Sunny that my guys have gone out other times at night, games, fair, etc......and I was upset but not like this time, I think part of my anxiety was those past events were something I would not go to anyway even if I were healthy and feeling good, this one however I really should of gone too, I mean there was a placecard for me, and I feel remorse I guess and guilt and that just made the anxiety higher than usual, I am going to try not to beat myself up and just think "maybe next year I can attend" Go for the positive and let go of any guilt, I mean I really really wanted to go but the world will not end because of it and hopefully recovery, with the program and prayer I will attend the next one. I have to believe that!

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 517

Hi Debora,

I wasn't the one that wrote about hypnotheraphy, it was mickeylover, hehe. Although, I will keep it in mind, perhaps it can do me some good as well.

I think your are very sweet for trying to understand your friend's reasons for being harsh but at the same time, I think that is pretty rude of her to say that to you. I think everyone is struggling and we all have our own physical, mental, financial, etc. problems and depending on the situation we can or cannot handle things, even if others judge we should be able to. The guilt & pressure is the last thing we need.

There was a time when I was really worried about the slightest sensation in my body too. I'm still worried of course, but not so much as I used to.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Hi Sunny,

Yes you're words did help, thank you. I am going to try and eat a sandwitch and a glass of milk, I have not eaten all day and even through I am not hungry I am getting light-headed so I should eat a little something, I just took half a klonopin to ease my nerves also, they left about a half hour ago, they will be late, they looked SO handsome, I am proud of them, very proud.

My friend/neighbor said I could come down but I don't think I am going too Sunny, she sounds in a bad mood and that is exactly what I do not need right now, she made a comment earlier "I think its really sad and pathetic that a fifty year old woman can't go to a banquet with her husband and son"! Not a good thing too say too me but I imagine its true, if I go down there I am risking even feeling worse than I do now, I cannot have all that negativity right now, as Davit would probably agree, I am not mad at her, I forgive her, she does not "get it" she does not have panic, depression and agorophobia so I know its difficult for her to understand, she has mild parkinson's and I have been reading about it just to get an understanding and grasp what she is going through, she tends to do alright through with it, she has a wonderful physcial therapist, good Doctors, decent meds, and many friends and family, and I know that helps, she is about my only friend so I wish she would be a little more understanding, but like I said, I do understand, when you dont suffer from it its hard to know what it is like.

I will write back later Sunny and let you know how I am doing, you and Davit and all the others have been so nice to me, with all you're support and prayers, thank you, here is me getting through this night!

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Hi D: You could use tonight to pamper yourself. have a long luxurious bubble bath, do your nails, enjoy a drink - doesn't have to be alcohol, something you like. Put your favourtie movie on, call a friend, get your Christmas cards ready, make plans/lists about what you will do for Christmas for baking and gift giving. Soon they will be home again. :-)

As soon as you are fearful, do something you like right away and think positive. Think about your husband and son enjoying their evening out at the banquet. What will they talk about when they get home? What news will they bring you? Share their enthusiasm, ask them what they ate, what was served, who was there, how did it go, anything funny happen? They might answer something along the lines of you should have been there if you are so interested. Don't be disappointed with these types of remarks, they would only be showing their disappointment that you couldn't participate with them. Assure them that next time you hope you will be feeling better and able to join them in the fun.

well, just some ideas,

Sunny

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Thank you Anerol and Davit, I went too bed right after I read you're posts last night, I was not feeling well, it was physical I believe, a headache and upset tummy, I must of been sick because I fell right to sleep which hardly ever happens for me usually it takes me quite awhile to doze off, I think it was something I ate, a little better today with my stomach, still a little queasy.

The therapist I see Anerol IS a hypnotherapist, he has done some hyponosis and relaxation techniques it helped a little, he tries his best to help me, I should of perhaps got a woman, I would feel more comfortable with a woman, about menopause etc.....

Davit I re-read you're post many times. I know you want to help me and thank you for praying for me too understand the CBT. Tonight is probably going to be hard for me, but I want to instill in me what you have said, about "butting" I know I am so negative and I don't know why? My Mother was a worrier and my Dad was very hard on me, but never ever did they ever instill or worry me about sickness and death? its probably because they died young, I miss them, especially my Mother.

My husband and son, as I mentioned are going to an awards banquet tonight so its just me all alone tonight, I have been dreading tonight, but I am determined to get through it, I have no choice, never would I want to ruin their good time, I wish I could go, perhaps in time I will be able to go to the next one, I am nervous about being alone tonight, those "panicky scared" feelings are really strong right now, I know you don't like to hear that Davit, I am trying not to dwell and I will try to distract, if you or Sunny want to write me back tonight please feel free, I could probably use it tonight, I so like when the members and moderators write me and help me, I am very nervous tonight, but I will try to distract and get through the hours.

Thank you for saying those things Davit, about me not being in the 10%. YES I do so much want you to teach me too be positive, I just don't want to take you're time up, I know you have been busy and I know you have been having some issues with pain, which I hope is letting up and going away for you. I wish I could figure out WHY I am so darned negative, but I guess that is not important to figure it out the important part is too rid myself of it and get better, the here and now I guess.

Tonight I am probably not at my best and I am sorry, I so wanted to go with them tonight, but I know in my heart I am not ready, but I am hoping and praying that one day I will be, I just have to get through this night, I know many many people are all alone tonight and they will get through it. Thank you so much everyone, for everything.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Debora

I read your posts before they disappeared and answered but since your posts were gone my answer had no where to go.

I gave you a lecture about "butting". Butting is when you say something positive but add a condition or conditions so that it turns negative. I should be happy but.......

CBT is about turning negative to positive. Most of your posts are negative. (sad or worry) the others when they are positive for the most part you turn negative with "butting".

Please try to think happy and be positive without adding the negative on the end.

Read your post again and you will see the "buts" if you look for them.

It is not the thoughts that is the problem it is what you do with them. EG.

You can have a thought about dying and tell yourself it is stupid even if it comes all day long and in so doing have a positive thought. But if you get upset because you think this way, that is negative. Negative breeds negative and it destroys positive.

Do Josie's exercise. Write something negative and then change it by writing something positive. Do it here and I will show you if you are wrong. I will teach you to think and write positive if you want me too.

That is the only thing you are doing wrong, nothing else. You end everything (almost) with a negative. Your statement "I have to believe I am not in the remaining 10%" Is negative even with the "I am trying so hard". Negatives are more powerful than positives and can wipe them out. "have to" is negative and takes control from you. "want to", or "I will" is positive.

Start with no more "Have to". Use something positive instead.

Also remember I have been in the psych ward. You are not even close to being that 10% that don't get better. I know people dying from their medication I do not know anyone dying from not taking any. My prayers will do you no good without some instruction to help you. I will not pray for you to get better, but I will pray that you get understanding. You do not want to be doing this over and over. I want you to understand CBT and to practice it. I want you to have some positives to build on. I'm not a therapist, I can not teach you CBT. But I can tell you what I would do or did and you can use the information any way you want to. All of the above fits this.

Davit.

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