Hi, I would of wrote earlier today, this would of been one week that I would of had a full-blown attack, today came close, I woke up very weak and tired, I should mention I get very very broken up sleep, my husband gets up at 5:00 and even through he tries to be quiet I still hear him, then my son gets up an hour later, and since I dont sleep well at night I sleep during the day a lot which I know is not good, then the dogs bark and wake up and then I go to the bathroom 3or 4 times or more while I sleep not too mention bad dreams, I wake up exhausted! And then the achy tired weak feeling scares me, I was able to {so far} ward off the attack, I am just so sick and tired or being sick and tired, does that make sense? where's my energy?
I know Sunny I need to go to my MD, this is going to sound strange but I want to feel better before I go, I know that sounds crazy, last time I saw my MD last December I waited almost 3 hours to get in, he overbooks and I had to stand outside most of the time, I dont mind waiting a half hour or even an hour but his staff books like nine people at the same time! he is a good Doctor for the physical but does not understand panic and depression, and his staff was rude about my shakiness last time.
I SO need to go get a pap, mamogram, dentist, physical ect...... but before I go I must have the coping skills, the last two times I went for medical help was a disaster, I went for an eye exam and was so nervous I bolted out and regurgitated outside, I was mortified, and that was just an eye exam, then when I went for my ultrasound my pressure was so high they could not treat me for the doppler till it went down, and people get mad at me they dont want to deal with it and I dont blame them, just the thought of going to the dentist or giving blood makes me shake, What my hope is, is too get emotionally healthy then I can go to these appts, my friend cannot go with me right now because she fell down and is on a walker, and my husband just gets mad and drops me at the door and I hate to do it alone, plus I can only go out after the sun goes down and most places close at five pm, I go to urgent care in the evening if I really need too, I must get over fear of sunlight and daylight, why can I only leave my house at night? when I go out during the day I get dizzy and sick, I live in Florida and that does not help I know. Once I am stronger I will make these appts, but its no use now if I am so afraid I will run out and make a complete fool of myself, people are not very compasionate about this disorder they view me as weak and childish and cowardly, and that hurts, I am hoping light exercise, good diet, and this program will help me so I can leave my house again.
I think part of it is that I feel I look so terrible at least after dark noone will see me much, I do look bad, very pale and sick, and the heat and sun I cannot handle, I know that sounds terrible, I use to love the sun, swimming, tanning etc....now that the panic and depression came back I cant handle it and my husband wont put up with it, I know I have to work on getting a new therapist, its not working well and I cannot afford to pay him if he cannot help me that is making my husband mad too, he was supposed to be CBT and I do not see it, he just sits there and like grins at me and after eight months there should of been an improvement. I am sorry I am complaining and venting, please forgive me, as soon as I get more stable I will go to the Doctors but going out now and collasping from the sun and heat or making a fool of myself terrifies me, I just hope I can get better soon to take care of these things, I am sick of living in terror fear and depression! I really want out! and I hope I am capable of it.
