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12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Debora.

I debated saying what I did. You are right, usually family if they don't understand at first are the hardest to deal with. They will treat you the way they would not dare treat friends. But family should be your friend first and treat you right. They don't always. (first hand experience there)

It is true what I said about being assertive because part of getting better is being able to tell the negative to go away. And the other part is being able to tell yourself not to put up with it. Not in the way they want you to do it but with the tools here that will allow it. I used to have a girl friend whose saying was "get with the program" (what program) She didn't mean this one, she meant start being like everyone else. Not at all helpful. Notice I said "used to have".

nine months is not enough time if you have people throwing stumbling blocks in your way.

Hold on to your small gains so far when you start to feel negative and like it won't work. They are proof that it will, and we are proof that it does.

If I tell you something you don't want to hear it is only the "Uncle Davit" coming out. I have seen too many people give up, I don't want you too also.

We are here for you.

Davit.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Hello Everyone,

Thank you for you're replies. I re-read what I wrote yesterday and it sounds so negative and depressing, I am sorry.

I wanted to explain that before this disorder I was a, for the most part, a functioning wife and Mom and would stand up for myself, I always was a worrier and had some anxiety but never ever to this point, it seems to come every five years, the first time when I was forty, then forty-five, now at fifty, but I recovered for the most part the first two times but it took about a year both times, a lot of time to waste, this time I do not have the youth I had or the good therapist and I am fighting menopause so its harder this time I guess, I do know I do not want to be like this and I want to have my life back.

Davit wrote about being a doormat and even through it was hard to read that I imagine its true. Since this disorder came back it has made me clingly, weak and dependent something I do not want to be, and I beat myself up enough and I have to stay away from people who are mad at me about this disorder, they dont understand and I guess its not thier fault, its hard for people without panic and depression to understand how horrrible this condition can become and they react with anger, it seems everyone wanted to be around me and liked me when I was "fine" but now they dont, and that really hurts but I have to accept it, I just have to work on myself and try to put all their negative unhelpful hurtful comments and actions behind me, its funny how family sometimes are the worst supporters isn't it? I know its hard for them to see me like this believe me its hard to live it, I dont want pity or sympathy I just want to figure out how to function again and live life again, thats my goal.

The panic's have decreased and hopefully the depression and agorophobia will ease up too, maybe I am trying to rush it, I will just try to accept it for now and work harder, and try not to complain. One day I want to be strong and well again.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4027

Debora,

I'm not going to interfere with your treatment, since "doing better" may be your interpretation of your higher expectation of your rate of change. I struggled with my expectations and mentor constantly, to the point of going separate ways, but I always continued until there was a logical time to move on.

If you're happy with your individual work, make sure what you post is part of that process.

As for assertion, I am tortured by all the regrets I have, but our ability to forgive and forget is part of personal growth, and assertion is a learned skill. I can't tell you how much I gained from public speaking courses, negotiation courses and communication courses.

If your resources are depleted though, through illness or lack of sleep, your ability to assert yourself is impaired, so ease up on yourself. Sometimes when people post, it's hard to tell if you want information or just an compassionate response, and hopefully we meet your needs.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2606

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way. It sounds like a consistent feeling of uneasiness.

Just thinking about how your feeling and reading your description gives me a strange feeling! Not a pleasant feeling I am sure.

Your fellow members have brought up some really great points. It is true, this is part of the process. This is an opportunity to refine what you have already learned. Focus on the thoughts you are having now or the possible triggers. Are you focusing a lot on your symptoms? What can you do to challenge your thoughts? What are some positive thoughts/activities that you can have/do?

What do you want to gain from this experience?

We are all here for you every step of the way through! Post often.

Samantha, Health Educator

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Hi Debora: Hope it went o.k. yesterday for you whatever you decided. I'm sorry about your sister's phone call which upset you so much. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with her already, but I do know that my own sister sort of told me off too at one time. It was more that she didn't believe there was such a thing as a panic disorder and I just had to pull my socks up, sort of thing. It didn't help. Basically, I had to ignore everyone's comments and do for myself. That's about it really, no one can make us better, we have to do it for ourselves, so ignore what they tell you. What is in your heart? That's how I believed in myself, looked deep into my own heart and knew my own worth, my own love, knew that I deserved better. I ignored all outside negative influences and concentrated on my "work" to make myself better. It was time for me. Of course, we still have to be a mother, wife and sister, daughter, etc. but hopefully they are fulfilling roles rather than filled with fear. I started limiting my visits, not because I feared a panic attack, but because I knew I needed to heal without comments from the peanut gallery.

Keep up the good work in CBT and keep the faith. It will get better. It takes time as you get to know yourself, change is sometimes slow, but it is there and you will notice it. As you wrote, you had fewer anxious episodes lately.

Sunny

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Debora.

People who are not assertive don't get better. They just stay on there medication and wait for it to get better. If you can not be assertive how can you change all this negative I hear to positive.

When did you stop being a Mother, Sister, Wife and become a door mat. You are making excuses for others faults and believing it is your fault. It takes two to tango but only one to walk off the floor. Be assertive, if not with them then with yourself.

Just my opinion, you don't have to listen to me. But I have been a door mat. I had to quit before I could get better. I will never be a doormat again. I like my freedom too much.

Davit.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Hello Everyone,

I have been doing slightly better for the last few days, no full-blown attacks, shaky and body symptoms but managed to fight off any horrible attack, I hope this trend continues. My sister phoned me yesterday and I feel very verbally beat up. I love my sister but I felt she really came down very hard on me, my son wrote something on facebook concerning my condition and how it has impacted his life, which makes me feel like a knife in the heart, he is special needs and the last person on this earth I would ever ever want to hurt. She told me I have caused a lot of damage to my family due to nine months of panic and depression and said it went on way way too long, and also insinuated my husband is going to leave me if I dont "get better and shape up quick" which scares me to death, I do not think you can rush this through I wish you could, my hope and prayer is to recover, and the damage I have done to my son seeing me in this condition through I try to hide it from him and my marriage is depressing and overwhelming me, I am finally starting to see what I have done to my family, not intentionally of course, I could not help it, I hope and pray its not too late, my Aunt said to ignore what my sister said, but its really hard, I never wanted to hurt anyone especially my son, the remorse and grief I feel is overwhelming, I just want to be my self again and gain my families respect and love back, I wish this had just gone on a few months, close to a year was way too much.

Today is my husbands birthday and he wants to go out to dinner, I am so scared to go out! I feel shaky and do NOT want to make him mad or humilate him in a restuarant on his birthday, I told him to just go out with our son, but he wants me to go, I know I am not ready yet to go into a crowded resturant, what if I have to bolt out? or get dizzy and shaky, he would be so angry, I want to go so bad but I do not want to ruin his birthday, I dont know what to do? if I caused so much damage as my sister said I dont want to ruin his b-day, I have been a little better but not sure about going out, if I ruined his birthday dinner that might be the straw that breaks the camels back. I know its a long road to recovery I just wish it would go away at least mostly, I feel like I am falling into depression about my family and what I have done, Maybe its just a bad shaky day and tommorow will be better, I hate the agorophobia about going out. How long does it take to recover from a breakdown? should'nt nine months be enough time? I do therapy and take Klonopin, cannot take the antidepressants through because of the severe effects it had on me, how can I get better quicker so I do not lose what little I have, I love my family and I dont want to lose them that would be horrible and crush me.

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