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13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

Sunflower painter... I am so glad you have your husband's support and can vent to each other. That can make all the difference in such difficult circumstances. Of course, we are here to listen too. Isn't it nice to learn that we have choices in these matters and don't just have to suffer nasty people? I liked hearing that from the other members. And am glad you started this thread!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 250

I forgot to mention that I have spoken to my husband but he usually approaches it all in a "pick your own battles" method. He doesn't bother to fight them anymore since they never learn and it just makes him mad. But he does support me and we can rant together :)

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 250

I really like the idea of "on my own terms". I really like that. I suppose I never thought I was "allowed" to have it that way. My mother always raised us to be doormats in a way. Always care more about what other think of you and all that.

Being a constant people pleaser is too hard for me.

Thank you everyone for all the responses. It helps put things into perspective.

Take care everyone!!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

This is a difficult subject. I have a sibling with whom I have a strained relationship - luckily they live on another continent. It surprises me that when I hear from them how quickly the old fears jump right out. Even if intellectually I know how to handle it, the emotions jump as though it were yesterday. At least now I can recognize them, acknowledge them, and let go. Although I will be respectful, I have to admit I would not seek this person's company. We handle things differently and think differently. This is o.k. in itself if there is respect on both sides for doing things differently, but if one constantly expects the other to be like them and do like them and is critical of their ways and beliefs, it won't work. You might grieve the relationship, you might not.

Sunny

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 57

Sunflower painter, i agree with davit, i have a few family people in my life that i can not be around, because of how they treat me, i gave them an option, and now i don't see them much, but it was their choice, I see them on my terms, if they can't abide by my terms then i won't see them, no one should be allowed to disrepect you. jaybe

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

There are only two definitive's in life, death and taxes. Everything else is negotiable. It depends on what you have to get out of life. Not what you want or what you think you have to have.

For years I put up with crap because of a core belief that said I had to. One day I put it all on the scales and found it did not balance. My outlay did not balance what I was getting out of it. So it is no more. I might miss it sometimes but I am happier for it. The door is open, they can come anytime but they come on my terms. Compromise only works if neither person is going to get hurt. Better to wave good-by and get on with life.

Davit.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2606

Hello Sunflower Painter,

I hear your frustration and hear that these comments are hurtful to you. How has talking about this with your husband worked out in the past? How does he react to their comments?

Stay strong in spite of these comments and know that you are an amazing and capable person. Hugs4u makes some great suggestions as far as looking into groups that may assist you.

Know that we are here for you, hopefully getting this off your chest also helps in some ways.

Samantha, Health Educator

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 250

I do agree. My way of dealing with my in-laws is usually to make a joke or re-direct the conversation. My family, my husband's relatives and even my daughter has complained about the know it all attitude so I at least can find solace in the fact that it isn't just me! I do find it draining and I have stood up for myself lately but I don't like doing it. Who likes confrontation? I suppose I do have to learn to ignore them in a way though. They aren't the types to take advice if you understand. They are very stubborn and they tend to learn things the hard way.

For now I will breathe deeply and re-read my interpersonal communication skills book. I have to re-learn all those techniques. :D

I will also take to the canvas today and get out some of my anger and turn it into something nice. I always paint for myself and don't care what others think of my paintings so it will always be enjoyable. Maybe I will paint a sunflower ;)

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4027

Hi SP,

I've struggled with assertion my whole life, and wish I could "win" or get the last word in with others, but isn't it draining?

I've been better when life was in balance. Another thing is to join a club which will sharpen your assertion skills, such as public speaking or a debating club. They're great skills to learn, so you can be clear without being negative, and transfer these skills to work and relationships, and it's fun!

No one has the right to be condescending, since everything is relative, and there are bigger more educated and better people whereever you are. Being civilized is about living with our diversities, and learning to assert yourself would be healthy for you, otherwise there's a wearing down of your dignity which which harm you.

With your artistic skill, would you ever, for example, criticize someone for painting an inferior flower? Of course not! But someone might criticize your art, if they were rude. To put that in context, Picasso, if he were living, could criticize your critical artist(the person who might criticize you), but who wants a world like that?

We can't choose our neighbours, workmates, in-laws, but need to become resilient, and a verbal skill program like the ones mentioned, might help. As artists, some of us just prefer non-verbal activities, and that leaves a skill untapped, and ourselves vulnerable...

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 250

I am a little on the stressed side. My husband's family has always made little comments about my intelligence and today I awoke to find another of these comments posted in a round about way on my Facebook page where I had planned an event for my daughter's 10th birthday.

I do not know how to cope with rude comments. My husband's family tend to be "know-it-alls" and I get that, but boy do I get mad when they correct grammar and speak as if they are members of the royal family. They even say things like "one does try ones best". Who says "one" like that all the time? None of them are very wealthy, they are not well educated other than watching Masterpiece Theatre all the time.

Grrrrr. Anyways. I can't stand it when people put others down. I hate it. I know I should ignore it but I am tired of being stepped on. More often than not I take those stupid comments to heart. It effects my confidence. I don't know how to ignore them. How do I tell my brain to stop thinking about it and move on? I was always told to ignore these issues but I feel like I am ready to blow!

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