When I move 4 yrs ago, I lost parts of myself. Fear of letting people see how nutty I am - I would joke it off and say I'm a cross between Gracie Allen and Lucille Ball. Because of the connection between my husband (who I met on Match 6 months after my move - boy was that brave) and myself, after 3 1/2 yrs he is seeing me muched more relaxed and enjoying my quirkiness. I also trust him to not judge me even if he doesn't fully understand all the assets of my mental illness. He jokes and will say - 'you're pulling a Monk (TV show) and it will help me focus.
After 4 years of a highly stressful business that is 24/7 I decided it was time to get back to volunteering. I have an appt with the vol. coordinator at the hospital in town next week. They have an opening in the gift shop to fit my hrs and I thought it would be fun and a nice break from stress. (When I lived in NY my ex and I started a non-profit colleecting gifts to then dress up as Santa and elves,big bird, etc and go to emergency rooms, etc - he took it over and now delivers to foster care agencies, hospitals, etc) My spirit has been missing that part of my life. I was always involved, hospice, etc.
A new renter, a lovely lady with a 23 y/o daughter that has an IQ of 60 and I also clicked. We knew we could let it all hang out and not feel afaid. She's very involved in the community because of her daughter and today I went with her to pick out gifts for a mother and children who left an abusive husband/father. I spent the night wrapping. I felt so alive today! I asked her if I could get involved in other things, and next week is the city's gift wrapping at the convention center to Coins for Kids.
I told her I would go. After I left her today, I realized what I said, impulsive again. The anxiety alreay here. It will be my first social large humungous gathering of people. oh boy. My plan of action is to only spend an hour or two. I know I'll be at the same table as her, and she is so friendly and quirky like me. It feels good to let my hair down. I'm sure I'll be fine once my focus is absorbed in the gift wrapping. I can always leave and go out into the real air so I don't feel clostrophobic (imagine, feeling enclosed in as large a bldg as a convention center, absurd, but true, it doesn't matter how large, to me it is still a small space) and alot of people.
As I'm writing I realizing I'm committing myself to doing this. Wanting to press delete to this and to tell her I have to work.
But, have to face this. I'm missing out on something wonderful and getting so much back in return.
Well, will let you know at end of next week.
