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Game playing and social anxieties

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Game playing and social anxieties

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

sunny

Smile or smirk. Some times people do get a lot of pleasure out of hurting others. These people I really avoid. I have been thinking about two people who could do this. Yes they did seem to smile as they did it but it seemed forced. Anyone else know people like this? And do you still?

Both these people are out of my atmosphere. I have been looking at people and in my mind have been forgiving the ones that I can if I have reason too. And the reason to usually is for my well being. Again we are back to a me verses it situation. I can change me but I can not always change it.

Here for you,

your friend

Davit

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Hi Loves trees: In a way, everyone game plays at the beginning. We all put our best foot forward when meeting new people and groups, etc. This first step doesn't show the "all" of us, just the polite society rules most of us have learned and the dance begins.

I have one friend who is very negative about the organization to which I belong. To make a long story short, I used to defend it, all the pros about it. This happened several occasions. Didn't work, so I eased off on the friendship, tired of hearing only negative things about the org. instead of recognizing the good work being done. She kept calling and asking for another chance. So, I set boundaries. I informed her that I still would like to be friends only if we no longer discussed it. She was that negative about it that there was no way we could even meet halfway. She was labelling me as the organization, not as the friend. It was off limits from now on. So far she has respected that boundary and we keep me separate from the organization. If and when she brings it up, I will change the subject right away. If she persists I will remind her of our "deal". If she still doesn't respect that, then I will get up and leave.

Davit: I have seen cruel apples with a smile. It's the way they word things, passive-aggressive at times. I still think that book "I'm O.K., You're O.K." from way back when helped me understand communication patterns between people. Easy to read and understand.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

loves trees

Your questions got me thinking. I think there are two types of game players, the ones that do it because they don't want you to see the real them with all their faults, and the cruel ones that do it to hurt. Facial expressions separate the two. The first ones are just apples and you can join them and slowly let your orange self be introduced. A lot of people offer you what they think you want unconsciously. The ones that do it to hurt ( no smiles, serious expression or frown ) I ignore, I will not be dragged into their game. This is not solitaire, it takes two for them to play it.

I find that sitting at a table with both types of game players if I am just myself with out being pushy that the apples are drawn to my orange self. The cruel ones are on their own. But then I am very easy to talk to.

For you new people that don't know what I'm babbling about. Apples are people different enough that you feel uncomfortable in there company. Oranges are you trying to be your most positive. Open and yourself. Apples tend to be closed and negative. As is much of the world around us. High stress and unhappy and not necessary.

Here for you

your friend

Davit.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11214

Hi Loves trees,

This is a great topic. These "game players" Loves Trees mentions seems to display many of the specific communication problems outlined in the Relationships auxiliary session. Yes, butting and Blaming are both outlined in this session with specific suggestions on how to address these problem in your own communication style. In regards to addressing these communication concerns in others take a look at the resolving disputes auxiliary session.

Expressing yourself honestly, openly and non defensively is always important in communication. There should be no winners /losers or wrong /right person when communicating. I want to make that clear because at some point or another we have all had specific problems with how we communicate. This does not make us bad people. If you do notice individuals displaying a negative communication pattern blaming the individual for this and finger pointing may not be a good option. Articulate how you feel. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. For example, "Sometimes I feel like you dismiss my point when you say _____ and when I feel unheard I can get frustrated." may be a better option then saying "You are making me frustrated because you always say ___________."

It would be great to hear others specific examples of how they have addresses negative communication patterns within themselves and others.

Members, any examples or possibly any specific examples that have not been resolved that we can work on together?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

Hi there,

in another thread (mindfulness) i raised the topic of game playing and Davit asked others to share about how you deal with game playing.

I thought i would start a new thread and elaborate on the game playing idea - it was immensily helpful to me when i read it and it relates to what i deal with on a regular basis as part of my exposure work with feeling anxious after conversations with (what i now label) negative people.

I read about game playing in a book called 'mastering human relations". Here is a quote "In order to get necessary life sustaining strokes to feel OK, people sometimes get involved in "game playing". The game playing referred to here is not fun. The intent is serious and the palying field is found on the level of the unconscious." (Falikowski, 2002).

An example of what he is talking about here is "why don't you - yes but" where someone says "yes but" whenever suggestions are made about solving their problems. Other games are called "see what you made me do" or "if it weren't for you" where instead of being honest about their own feelings, one person blames the other person for not doing something.

I have someone in my life right now trying to get me back in the game. There is no real affection, no real honesty, very little by way of attentive listening with this person, and yet she wants to know if i want to be back in her life. Being around people who can only play games with me causes me anxiety. The games are about blaming others or making others feel bad in order to feel good. We see this start on the playground when kids are really young - putting someone down to feel good.

Now here is my problem: sometimes i do feel (negative core belief) that everyone is just playing games. I don't know how to address my all or nothing thinking around that. there are some people in my life who play the game a lot of the time, and my all or nothing thinking wants me to write them off in order to ensure i'll be "safe" from them.

What have other people here done with game players? People who are negative some or a lot of the time? I know we can't change others but I guess I'm wondering if others who are further along than I am can share how they manage their exposure to the game playing people in their life.

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Game playing and social anxieties