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Lack of Direction

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 286

Sunny,

Thanks for your support. This is basically what I did at the beginning of the season - had a frank talk with the owner. A few small things changed, but the more important things didn't. I stuck with it and maybe shouldn't have been so surprised when panic attacks started to take over. Now that I've back off from work I realize that's the right thing to do in this case. The see-saw of what to do had been going on for me and this job for over a year, now I know I'm onto different and better things!

Teebs

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Mixed signals! YUCK! It's like an emotional roller coaster, isn't it? Good management can help here. It's management that needs to step up and clearly outline what they expect from you. However, they sometimes need to hear from the employee if the employee has questions re: their job. Would you feel comfortable having a meeting with them to discuss your schedule, pay plan, etc? With all the mixed signals being sent which are bothering you right now it's hard to be peaceful at your job. Since you're thinking of quitting - don't tell them that though - what have you got to lose? See what they can offer with a clearer job description then you can make up your mind. Just let them know what is bothering you re: pay schedule, etc., especially since the company has changed hands.

Whatever you decide, we are here to support you. Sometimes indecision is the hardest part of all this; the seesawing back and forth, but once the decision is made you may feel better about it. You could write down all the pros and cons of the job and see how they add up.

here for you, your friend, Sunny

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 286

My beliefs and emotions surrounding my job are so jumbled up just like in the situation you describe. Everyone has always told me this was the perfect job for me and that I was so lucky to have it (though they only see the surface of it, not what we really always deal with). At first I did love it, but things got more complicated as I changed, the company changed, the work I was doing for the company changed. Everyone tells me I'm so good at what I do - but I'm actually getting paid less than some other employees that have been there a shorter amount of time than me! Talk about conflicting signals. Plus loving parts of it but feeling used or trapped or in a rut in other senses and then the panic attacks throwing a wrench in everything. There is so much to sort out I'm trying to work through it one level at a time, starting with being okay that I'm not doing that job anymore - and eventually accepting what I deep down know to be true, that I'm better off without it and there are plenty of other things out there I could do and be successful at!

I kind of ended up rambling on there but that's what all came up for me after reading Davit's last post.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

I used to get that "your really good at what you do" thing, and I am. But It was a let down because every one else was getting the same pay. When I was falling trees for a living at a rate of so much per hundred cubic feet of tree I was always told how good I was, cause I could put the tops on the trail in such a way they were easy to hook up to. I was proud of this. But they would bring in extra people and pay them by the day and give them the best wood for production and the truth was most were not qualified to cut down a Christmas tree. But they could knock down a lot of wood. Higgle dee piggledy. Now with all this wood on the ground I'd get sent to a tough patch with a pat on the head and these fine words that make pretty thin soup. But there was always the "I don't know what we would do with out you." Ahhh but I liked my Job and I was good and it really was enough money. You can imagine what type of core beliefs this built. Very confusing ones built on very confusing signals. Just right to build panic on. So what is the answer? Do you compromise your standards and be unhappy or do you accept that you are being used? Good question. Truth is it doesn't matter, it is in the past and has no power. What has the power is how you look at it. So how do you see it? What should I feel? And what effect is this having on my anxiety level? Good question. I know the answer obviously because I'm getting better, But do you. This isn't aimed at any one specifically, I'm just throwing out ideas.

Here for you

Davit

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Davit: You are right, guilt is an emotion. I usually visit my mom once a wk. or even 2 if I'm going that way. This summer it's more like 3 wks. when I was feeling so sick and then when I had the grandchildren and camping, etc. I did start to feel a bit guilty. It's exactly as you say, I had to tell myself that this was "me" time for the summer. I told myself that it was o.k. to have a holiday, that mom will be alright. She is well taken care of and I don't have to worry. In any case the nursing home would call if something was wrong.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Guilt is an emotion.

Guess which side it is on. You can not feel a positive emotion and a negative at the same time, the negative will crowd it out because you can have more than one negative at the same time. You may think you only feel guilt but you probably feel anger, agitation and shame also. How can a positive emotion compete with this gang against it.

I used to put every one ahead in a negative way when I worked. They had to come first! Not so any more. You people still come first, but now in a positive way because I am included. I am doing this for me, for us. And it is a positive feeling. Doing it because I feel (an emotion all be it a neutral one still) I need to would do me no good. The same situation but two sides.

And believe me there is nothing wrong with doing things for yourself as long as you can look at it in a positive way. So many of the things have only a hair line separating whether they are negative or positive, Look in the mirror, look for the emotion, and if it is negative tell it where to go. See why the program takes so long. It is a simple process with so many facets. But it all boils down to changing how you look at it. With or without the mirror.

Here for you,

your friend

Davit.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 286

Loves Trees-

It does help SO much to talk to others who are going through the same thing. For instance it immediately made me feel a little better to read that you are also working through the transition of doing less paid work in order to take care of yourself. It's tough for us workaholics! One thing that was tough for me was people would always tell me how good I was at my job and how it was such a perfect job for me, yet I was having all these struggles with anxiety and was bottling them up. A lot of people at work also really don't "get" the anxiety thing which made it a tough environment to be in to work through some of this stuff. I don't feel guilt with every self-care thing I do, but if I do too much of those sorts of things and not enough of what I deem "productive" (whatever that is!) then I feel guilty and restless. I'm glad I found this site too, and I'm glad you're here!

Sweatbee-

Maybe you could start out small with one of your business ideas so it's not too overwhelming? That could help you feel like you're getting out of the rut but make sure it's something manageable at first, so you are running it rather than it running you!

Teebs

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 122

Hi,

I to have had that lackof direction, I had my own bussiness for 7 yrs

and then I gave it up to take care of a sick family member. for the

last 3 yrs I have been sort of in a rutt, I have a couple of Ideas of

bussiness's that I might like to start but I'm afraid to, because If I

have the panic and anxiety flair up really bad I won't be able to

keep it going. and I still have not mastered the driving and being

comfortable around alot of people at a time. I am getting

better, but I don't know if I'm to the point where I feel sure

enough to do it. Just thinking (typing!) out loud.

sweatbee

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

Hi again Teebs,

I am really loving reading the forum entries here and reading so much from real people that resonates with my experiences.

Anyways, I too was a workaholic and work was a place where i could excel without being bothered by anxiety most of the time - i think i am really good at what i do but i suspect i could be even better if my anxiety was more well managed by me. Work was where my focus could go into feeling productive whereas relationships and things outside of work felt frustrating, upsetting, anxiety inducing etc..

anyways, for the first time ever, i have reduced my paid work specifically to take care of myself. i am working only part time right now. and boy is the transition hard! so when i read your post here i was like "me too!"

some days i feel i am 'getting it' as in, figuring out how to live without focusing on paid work all the itme. other days i flounder. its been about a month. i have about 10 hours of work a week i do from home. a routine found me after a couple weeks, i do the dishes once a day now which is new instead of not having a routine to housework. i took up quilting because as my counsellor says, i can't just focus on journaling and reading and working on myself actively all the time.

do you find an automatic feeling of guilt when you do those self care things (bath, yoga, walks, etc...). i know i struggle with that. i met a new friend recently and she treats herself without feeling so bad about it and that helps me to see her do that. i come from a very "catholic martyr" family. one where no one ever used the bubble bath they got for xmas sort of thing....as if there's some magic day that will come around that will be worthy of the bubble bath thats collected dust for 10 years. literally. i am taking a stand against that sort of life. its great seeing other people here determinied to take care of themselves. i love being here.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 286

Davit-

I think that's kind of what I'm doing, but I like the way you put it! My job was something I knew how to fight through regardless of the panic attacks. Now I have put that aside (very hard for me to do) and am focusing on taking care of myself (also very hard for me to do). I'll treat it like a challenge - it is my "job" right now to recover from this panic anxiety!!!

Teebs

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