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People Pleasing

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 286

I'm another one guilty of people-pleasing at the expense of taking care of myself, and also of being a perfectionist to the point that I set unrealistic goals for myself. I really only came to this realization about myself recently - I guess that's an important first step!

Shari - You're right about true friends saying "It's okay" if you say you cannot or do not want to do something. I have had anxiety and panic attacks off and on throughout my life but until recently I did everything I could to always keep it a total secret. As I've learned to be a little more open about it, the responses from other people have been two fold - either it is a neutral response because they don't understand anxiety, or I find out they have some personal experience with it too and I have another friend I can talk to about it! Neither one of those outcomes is the end of the world.

Caring less what others think is still a tough thing to overcome!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1071

It took me a long time, but I discovered, if you say, "No", it's not the end of the world and most people are fine with it and say, "Okay." If they're not, are they really your friend? It's also not necessary to explain yourself. I got to the point where I was tired of being angry at myself for saying, "Yes", to things I did not want to do and not enjoying the situation I was in. I was told, the older you get, the less you care about what others think. I don't know if that's true or not. I think everyone gets to the point of standing up for themselves in their own time.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2606

Hi Stephen,

You really sparked a great discussion by sharing your experience with people pleasing.

You are a kind and generous person and those that matter in your life will know that of you. Do things for those you truly care about, because those are the ones who will always be there for you. Post when you can, we understand that at times it can be tough to respond. Read, let things sink in and share what you can.

I am glad that using the blog has been helping, keep writing and using this feature. Check in soon.

Samantha, Health Educator

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 192

Hi everyone: One lesson I learned was the give and take one. We love to give because we are perhaps more sensitive to others' needs, their emotions especially, I think because we are so sensitive to our own internal make-up with anxiety disorder. We need to be able to accept also, because the other people need to give too and feel good about it. If we don't give them the chance to give back, as we like to do, it's really not fair. Accepting was difficult at first, but now I recognize that we need to take turns helping one another and let another person have the opportunity to give. Does that make sense?

Davit: I used to throw away all my sketches because they weren't "perfect" and was scolded about that too. Sometimes I like to do some housecleaning and am tempted to get rid of some stuff, but now I get rid of it not because it isn't perfect, more because I don't need it. I can understand that we don't want to brag about our work, but sharing it is o.k. When you show it or discuss it, you're not looking for validation, (you already know you are an artist and enjoy your particular art form) although validation may come through the discussion of the work. Mainly you are sharing your ideas. You're communicating to another fellow human being your ideas through your art, woodworking in your case. Anyway, that's what I think...

Have a great day everyone!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Oh my God if there is one thing I have been guilty of it's this people pleasing. I used to play pool with a very competitive friend and I'd let him win just because he'd get mad if he didn't. But the worst was giving away things so people would like me, see I thought I was an ugly cripple that no one could like. Then I had to spend a lot of time in the hospital and all these Neighbours of mine some who I only knew there names were taking care of my animals and garden and green house. And any one who gardens on a subsistence scale will tell you it's a lot of work. I almost made the mistake of trying to pay them back before I realized it would be insulting. I found it hard to believe they liked me and wanted to know me but because I was reclusive there was no way to break the ice. So now I have lots of friends and I ignore what I see in the mirror. And I try to help where I can even if it is only to visit people in the hospital and take them out for coffee. Perfectionism is another fault of mine. I'm always striving to do better and a lot of my woodwork went in the stove till I got told not to do that. Now I leave it around where people can see it and if they show an interest I give it to them. I've tried to look at it from some one else's perspective and it's not that bad. I still strive for perfection but only for me. And people really don't like to be shown up. I still think I should do and be the best I can but not brag about it to much, but it is hard not to show off something I have done really well.

Davit

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 57

Hi StephenW!

I can relate to the people pleasing. I was always the moderator of any tense situation. So I was always trying to keep the peace. If 2 of my friends were having a misunderstanding, I'd be the 1st one trying to get them in a room together to hash it out & find a middle ground... That became emotionally draining and mentally exhausting. So I just stopped doing it. I started focusing on me & my immediate space. Because I thought, "how in the hell am I gonna try to help someone be ok if I'M not?" I had to fix the cracks in my own foundation so that way if things didn't work out the way I wanted them to, I'd still be ok at the end of the day... And it was hard work because in the beginning, I felt selfish because all I was worried about was how I was feeling. But I kept telling myself that it was ok to focus on me. And it got better. I do still worry about people that I care about, but I don't let it consume me & feel like I need to fix them. Jus remember that you can't please all the people all the time. Please yourself and the rest won't seem so intense

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 15

Hi Everybody and happy Friday..... finally.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately as it's one of my biggest character defects. I go so far out of my way to please everybody. It's so hard to decipher what is really being nice and what is just wanting to be liked. I would like for people to like me as a person, not by what I can do to make them happy. Upsetting another person or standing up for myself has always been very uncomfortable for me. I usually back down and then suffer anxiety or depression over my inability to just say or act naturally. I also am a perfectionist because how could anybody possibly not like somebody who does everything perfect. (I'm far from it, but I can't get myself to stop trying) Any thoughts on this?

Stephen

I've been reading the posts, but haven't had any time to respond as I have had trouble thinking of anything outside my own little world. I have gotten a lot out of them and find them informative and mostly uplifting. I did manage to blog a bit the past few days, what a huge help.

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