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Yet another newbie

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 86

KT,

It is difficult to explain the challenges of anxiety to those who have not been through it. Even with the best of intentions, those around us may not "get" it. So, know that the people on here totally and fully understand what you are dealing with. The sensations, the fear of having an attack, etc. are experiences we've had.

And also know that there is hope for helping yourself overcome it and being able to enjoy life again. I have been in your position. Totally done. Thinking: this is it. I've gone over the edge. I don't even know what is real anymore and I'm swimming in feelings that are constantly stressful. But, with work and time, I can now say that I am enjoying life soooo much more. I can oust those negative feelings of panic and actually enjoy situations for what they are. This program has helped immensely and so has this forum. Keep posting, keep trying, and keep that glimmer that you will get through this and have many smiling moments on your horizon!!!!!!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 18

Thank you so much for all the wonderful responses. So often when I describe the experience as painful, people around me cannot or do not understand what that means, and it can be really lonely. It's nice to see that I'm not alone, even if it feels that way sometimes. kt

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Hi KT,

Welcome ,

Cling to that hope!You can do it! Give yourself time...I'm working thru this program and its really helpful esp. with the negative thoughts... hope you stick around and vent often.

Cleo

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11214

Hi KT,

Welcome and thank you for posting. I am sorry you are going through a difficult time. I can hear it is really hard right now. Please know that set backs are common and managing panic is a learning process. It gets easier with time but relapses are common and can be managed. Try not to be too hard on yourself. This is not your fault. You should feel so proud of yourself for being so strong and looking for help when you need it.

Be sure to work through the panic program, it will help you. Also post often, you are not alone in this any more. It sounds like you are very hard on yourself. From the little bit I have read from you, you seem like a very articulate and caring person. I think you would make a great social worker with or without the anxiety. I try to think everything happens for a reason, perhaps going through this will help you relate to others in difficult circumstances? I know you can get through this and have a very fulfilling career as a social worker.

Let's talk a little bit about the sadness. This is common, especially with a set back like this. It can be very discouraging and at times even seem insurmountable. But you can feel better, many members on the forums are proof of that. If you feel you need a bit more help with the depression we have a sister site www.depressioncenter.net, you are welcome to join.

Keep fighting this KT. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Stay strong,

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Welcome KT: Yes, it will get better again. You did it before, you can do it again. This CBT program will help you know yourself better and what your thought patterns are so that when you see negativity creep in again, you'll be able to nip it in the bud. Keep the faith. Post as much as you like to vent, be angry, sad or joyful. We are here to support you and celebrate with you the steps you take.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Hi KT

I keep saying this over and over but I'll say it again for the new people. Any thing that gets into your mind stays there. You have a massive memory bank, like a good computer and like a good computer it shuffles these memories so that the ones you use the most stay at the top where they are most accessible. You can not get rid of them unless you have brain damage or altzeimers. You can move them to the bottom of the pile where they are less accessible. This is where the CBT comes in. If you bury a negative thought with enough positive it becomes very hard to retrieve and this is what you want. It is the most difficult simple thing you will do, but it works. Medication makes the negative hard to retrieve but it is still there. You have obviously done this before and so you will just have to do it again. Stress thins out the positive and allows the negative to come to the top. Worry is the biggest destroyer of positive. Self doubt goes hand in hand with worry to really bring the negative to the top again. The only way to get rid of negative thought is to look it in the face and find a dozen reasons why it is not real. That much positive should bury it. Actually you only need one or two reasons. If you take one positive and think it then write it then say it out loud it will be stored in three different places and give you three times as much positive coverage. And it compounds. If you do this every time you have a negative thought they will soon be buried deep. Later on in the program you actually bring them to the top just so you can see how easy you have learned to bury them. This is part of coping and coping along with relaxation are your most powerful tools for dealing with anxiety. Dealing with anxiety is a lot simpler if you know why it is happening. This a condition that will keep cropping up when you are down or stressed. The answer is to know why it is happening and how to make it stop. You might say there is no cure only control but that is not really true. Bury it far enough and you can consider it a cure. If every time you go looking for a negative you pull up a positive instead then the negative doesn't exist and if it doesn't exist then you are cured. Does this make sense. It really is simple, but in this case simple is very hard to do, not impossible just hard and time consuming.

Davit, not cured but definitely under control and getting better.

Ps This should have been first, "Welcome to the site."

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 86

Hi Katie,

You have definitely come to the right place. I know it seems so overwhelming to have anxiety. It's frustrating when it keeps hitting at you and whittling you down.

What I have found really useful about the program is that it doesn't just get rid of the anxiety for specific situations, but actually gives you coping strategies that you can use in any situation. Yes, it takes time, but you are worth the effort. You actually can retrain your brain to draw on positives rather than negatives and that helps you overall.

You will meet a lot of people on here who totally get what you are saying. We've all been / are there.

Take those baby steps and you will soon find that you've made progress. Over time, that progress will amount to a lot. That, in turn, lets you feel more positive and helps you feel more upbeat. Then you can handle triggers better. See, it IS a cycle!!! :-)

Oh, and regarding other people who look so happy all the time...I have to agree with anerol. It's amazing how many people feel the same way we do and hide it well. A while back, I mentioned that I found out that two people that I've worked with for a few years suffer from anxiety. I had NO idea! And they didn't know that I did, too. I think it's something we don't like to talk about because we feel vulnerable. It's amazing how not alone we truly are!!!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 517

Hi Katie,

Nice to meet you and welcome to the site. I so know what you mean about Homer and other people out the window. But lately I tell myself that these people are just good at 'hiding' it... or in Homer's case he just doesn't know. It's not your fault for any of this and these types of things just happen. We are all brought up to achieve so much in our life and it makes us think that we are worthless otherwise, but sometimes piling up these achievements can wear us down... especially if we do it too fast. Don't forget to give yourself some time. I found that coming on this site, learning, and venting has given me more understanding of myself. I hope you will find it here too. keep venting.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 18

Hello, I'm Katie, I'm new to the website. I first experienced anxiety when I started a job in 2007, was unemployed for a long time, and worked DBT with a counselor while I was living in Boston. I moved to NYC in August of 2009, got a job, took it one day at a time, pushed through the anxiety, and felt virtually full relief from my symptoms pretty quickly, actually. I started to get my master's in social work in January, and on the way to a final exam last week, I had a heavy-duty panic attack on the subway, and for the first time I truly believed I was going to pass out and no one would help me. I feel as though my mind has circumvented all the work I did and now I'm dealing with new triggers - which could be pretty much anything at this point. Suddenly I am completely afraid, since I am going to be starting internships in the fall where I am going to learn to be a clinician myself, that I'm not equipped to be a good social worker. What I struggle with most this time around is the depression that comes with it, the need to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head, and how painful it feels to force myself to get up, get dressed, walk out the door, get on the subway, go to school, and especially to go to work on my feet for nine hours (I work part-time in retail). I haven't had a restful night of sleep in a week, and I've lost 10 pounds in the same amount of time because I cannot force myself to eat. I recognize that my panic attacks are not as severe as they've been in the past, but the baseline of anxiety remains (so do the obsessive thoughts), and I must admit that it infuriates me that if it can get better, it doesn't just go away altogether. I end up weeping all the time, in private and in public, because I don't know what else to do but break down. I also harbor a lot of anger at myself for continuing to "do this to myself", as well as a ton of guilt for putting my wife of 10 years through this...AGAIN. I find myself sitting in my house staring at people out the window, and even fictional characters like Homer Simpson, and feeling jealous of their ability to not be miserable. All I can do is cling to the hope that I can push through once again and reach the other side, with a little more humility, and perhaps some real acceptance. It's just really difficult to believe, right now, and it would be nice if it could happen already.

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Yet another newbie