Hi sunny. 

okay, I need help big time.  My older brother has come back from the south and although we get along fairly well, there is one area that bothers me.  It's this:  he communicates something to me, so I take action based on that communication.  Then he says, he didn't say that, that I got it all wrong.  I try and refresh his memory re: the phone call and try and use the exact words he used.  Nope, he never said that.  I asked him "are you saying I'm lieing?"  he just says I've done this before, say that he says things that he did not say.  I look at him and think, mmmm' is he getting old and forgetful, because I know what I heard.  I don't exactly back down, but to keep the peace I tell him I think I know what I heard, however, if it's this way you would like us to do it, then that's fine with me.  Seems to keep peace with him is better than my being right.  However, I wish I could record our conversations.  As it is I keep on file all correspondence, and computer messages, because this is the exact thing I am concerned about. I don't know how to deal with this, it is frustrating and maddening and I feel I bend over backwards to keep the peace.  It was his first day back and visit at my place so didn't want to spoil it. I'm just too close to the situation to see straight on this one.  Any suggestions appreciated.

My brother is like a bulldog. When he gets a hold of something he doesn't let go.  It doesn't matter if you have a good argument or if your point is right. He doesn't hear it and he goes on and on adnosium. I used to make myself sick trying to get my point across without making him worse. I don't know if you have a solution for this but I do. Mine is drastic but it works. I booted him out of my life and out he will stay, at least face to face. He can E mail me but if he gets pushy I just don't open them and I don't answer. I will not be dragged into the same old b..........t.

Using Communication Analysis is a great way to better understand interactions and arguments after they happen so you can change what you do the next time. And there’s also another exercise that can help you think about interactions and arguments before they happen. The basic idea is that because disputes usually last for a while and because people tend to have the same argument over and over again, you can plan ahead for the interaction.

One of the most effective and basic techniques for planning ahead for interactions and arguments comes from CBASP (the Cognitive Behavioral Analysis System of Psychotherapy). The basic idea is that when you’re vulnerable it is difficult to figure out what you want and how you’re going to get it. In CBASP therapists often ask their clients, “what do you want and how are you going to get it?” This is a very difficult question for people to answer, but with practice everybody can get better at understanding what they want and figuring out how they can get it.

If you’re like a lot of people, you may be thinking, “are you asking me to be more selfish? I hate people like that who only think about themselves. I am not that kind of person. I don’t think I can do that.”

We’re not asking you to be selfish and just think of yourself. However, we’re assuming that if you’re depressed you’ll likely have a passive or passive-aggressive communication style and so you don’t usually get what you want. Not getting what you want is, well…depressing.

What we’re asking you to do, in a different way from before, is to experiment with being more assertive and to consider your needs and what you want to be important. And yes, because we’re assuming that you’ve been putting other people’s needs first for quite a long time, for a change we’re asking you to think about yourself first. This doesn’t mean that you can’t consider what the other person wants and needs. No problem. We want you to do that too. That’s what assertive communication is all about.  

In order to put yourself first ask yourself the following simple questions before an interaction:

•    What do I want to get from this interaction?
•    What does the other person want from this interaction?
•    How can I get what I want?
•    Is there any room for compromise? Is there any way we can both get what we want?
•    If there’s no room for compromise that is good for me, how can I put myself first and get what I want?

Use the communication skills you learned in the last session to experiment with putting yourself first and getting what you want.

Stay tuned for our next discussion when we’ll be wrapping up our discussion on disputes.

Samantha, Bilingual Health Educator