At least you made it trough it and now it is in the past and you know we are not supposed to worry about the past
I am glad you can do it by Email.
This is such a strange coincidence.
My brother had his first panic attack and had to go to the hospital. I said I will never talk to him again and I won't but I would not want my worst enemy to suffer with panic. I invited him here and if he comes I will welcome him but it is just business, it doesn't change any thing. I hope I do not regret doing this as he will certainly recognize me here. Maybe now that he knows how I suffered things will be different but I won't hold my breath.
Well, I had to meet with my brother on Sunday after work to go over this job. He picked me up after work, and then drove me home after. I'll mostly just be emailing him my work, so I don't actually have to see him too much. I made it through the visit ok, but I was still shaking by the end of it. And as soon as I got home, I locked the door, and then went and threw up. I was off-kilter for the rest of the day, and then the next morning, I had an attack at work. It was pretty mild, and I managed to keep it under control, but it's hard to deal with customers and pretend everything's hunky-dory when you just want to scream.
He seems a bit different now. Who knows? Maybe now that we're a bit older, we can come to an understanding. I know he knows, and He knows that I know. It's just kinda hanging between us.
What I am hoping for is that I can walk into any situation without worrying that I will panic because fear of a fear is still the hardest to deal with. I could just take medication as needed but I would be a zombie. I want to experience life with my eyes wide open. I don't want to avoid things because I'm scared. Scared can be fun. I want to be able to control my reaction to scared. I want to be able to enjoy an adrenalin rush not run from it. I want the option of being able to sit back and relax when it gets to be to much. I know I am asking for a lot but that is what I hope for.
In short. What I hope for in a cure is not to never panic again but to be able to shrug it off and live life to the fullest as a crippled old man can. That is what I want in a cure.
Read my latest post. I am almost there. Uncontrolled panic ruins so many lives and keeps people from reaching their potential.
I am sitting here with a big window in front of me and the sun is finally up although I can't see it. (clouds) There was the most gorgeous sunrise this morning. The clouds looked like cotton candy.(remember it) And the snow on Beaver Mtn. was all pink. There must have been a cloud break behind me because the sun was filtering through the trees. Just such a huge feeling that all is well. What a way to start the day off.
Last night at midnight I got blind sided with a full blown panic attack. I don't know where it came from or why. Something subconscious out of my background? Anyway it was a good thing not a bad thing. I tried to write it down in my blog as it was happening but it faded to fast. There was and is no residue from it. This is progress. I feel like I can take on the world today. They really are few and far between and are becoming a ho hum thing. I still consider myself cured just not totally.
If I can find a way to up load a picture I will. It is a bit artsy fartsy but since I live in a community of ex hippies mostly, it will fit right in. I suppose they should be magic mushrooms.
I hope you find your dream acreage. Of my 10 or so acres 3 or 4 are ponds and there is a walking trail around them. They back onto Crown land so no neighbours and no noise. I have a bench on a rise overlooking one pond. There are trees, bushes and wild flowers. Every year ducks and geese nest here. I have lots of bird houses and that reminds me I have to build another box for wood ducks. I have a pair of Canada geese that live in my closest pond but they are too old I think.
I haven't seen babies with them for two years now.
I live on the old hiway so I have a paved road but no traffic. Almost paradise except for winter.
Love your picture. I have mountains on both sides of me so some times they are pink from the morning sun.
I am so glad to hear you are feeling better this morning. Your candle stick sounds beautiful. Maybe you can up load a picture of it for us to see when you are finished with it. I would love to see it. The greenhouse sounds lovely. I too find gardening relaxing and would love to have a green house. I got my house ready to sell 2 yrs ago and have traveled around the country looking for the perfect place to live which would be a property 3 to 5 acres with a shop for my partner and a green house for me. Your place sounds like a little piece of heaven on earth. Enjoy your day working in the shop and putting around your green house. You are truly blessed.
I'm stronger this morning. I managed to sleep without resorting to the meds. Mind you I would have if I had too.
I don't feel like I am being pulled ten different directions. It's snowing lightly and that always makes me smile even though I may have to clean it out of the driveway. I ordered seeds for green house plants and I am a little excited about that. My greenhouse is very calming. It will still be a month before I can work in it but I am still excited. I want to plant grapes again. I had these little grapes with a special taste but I don't know if I can find them again.
This morning my dysfunctional family (mild expression) is only a shadow in the background.
I'm also excited about a candle stick I want to build for a special friend who helped me get through the hardest part. It is a collection of six mushrooms growing out of the middle of a candy dish. The centre one has a little button that can be removed and a candle holder mounted there. We get a lot of power failures in this valley so you can never have too many candle sticks.
Knowing how to handle panic doesn't make it any easier some times, but at least this time I didn't go off the wall.
Let me warn you this is a little bit harder to do than taking out the garbage but it's worth it. It may put me back on medication for a while till the shock of what I have done wears off. A bit like gangrene, you just have to cut it off but in this case the limb will grow back stronger than ever. I'm not getting much sleep right now so if it doesn't get better I'l take some valium for a few days just to get my ducks all lined up again. Why is it that these a--------es have just enough good points to make me feel guilty? I really do have a fear that he will try to patch this up. I have a block on his Email and I let the answering machine get my calls but still it is like he is looking over my shoulder.
Any way I still say go for it even if it hurts because it will only last a while, whereas the alternative is for ever.
Thanks for sharing so much Davit. It's nice to know I'm not the only person with a *@^#-ed up family. I wish people didn't have to hurt too in order to understand though.
I've been thinking more and more about all this over the past few months or so, and the more I think, the more I want it resolved. This whole job may be an icebreaker. I want to get rid of my ghosts. I'm just scared to death cause I know it's going to be agonizing to go through.
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