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In a Pickle

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2606

Hi Corrina,

Thank you for sharing with us, it helps to understand where you are coming from. Please feel free to express yourself here whenever you need to, we are all non-judgmental ears! Please check in soon!

Samantha, Health Educator

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 30

Thanks everyone for your support. I know counselling will help me. I just have a bad association with it from last time.

My mom didn't want me to go, and we fought a lot about it. It made it twice as stressful. She was afraid of social services getting involved, so she told me if I told anybody, they would take us all away into foster care, and kids always get abused in foster care, she said. It would all be my fault if that happened. So I tried to bury it, like she wanted. except that doesn't work for very long. It always comes back to the surface.

When I was 17, I started having a few panic attacks, depression, self destructive thoughts, and sometimes more than thoughts. I shut everyone out. I isolated myself emotionally from everybody. If I couldn't feel anything, then I couldn't feel the hurt.

After a while I went to a counselor at a church I was attending. My mom and I fought a lot then. It helped me, but at the same time it drove a wedge between us.

Eventually I moved out, and didn't talk to her for almost a year. I know she blames herself partly, but she also blames me. She told me outright, it's my fault for letting him.

The hardest thing of all so far has been to stop blaming myself. That's one huge victory for me. I don't hate myself anymore, just the life I'm stuck with. I still have bad days, and fall back into old patterns of thinking, but I'm learning to direct my anger where it is due.

Thanks for listening. It feels good to talk and not be judged. I want to get past this. I don't want to stay how I am. I don't know what my future is, but I don't want to face it with this so heavy on my heart. I'm getting tired of carrying this around.

~Corinna

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 5

Hi Cori J

I have found councelling very helpful. There are things that have happened in my life that were stuffed way down and that I didn 't remember or want to remember. This all had an affect on my thinking and my health. With councelling it is like an onion being peeled away one layer at a time. As each layer goes the load gets lighter. Of course the process can be very hard but the end result is always one more step closer to where we want to be. Blessings.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 30

: )

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Cori J

You're not worried that the councillor or a Doctor is going to tell you that you are mentally ill are you? Is this what you are worried about finding out about yourself? I have mentally ill friends and you don't sound anything like them. Thinking you are mentally ill is the reason you are the way you are is very common and I am sure all of us felt that way at some time. We do look for a logical reason for this but this "condition" has no logic which makes it harder to cure. There is nothing wrong with you that a little work with the program won't fix in time. If this is not what you are worried about then ignore this post. If it is I hope I have given you some reassurance.

Davit.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 420

Cori,

I know you are scared about counseling. Try to look at it this way. The counselor maybe able to help you handle dealing with your brother better. I know a counselor I met through grief group. I called him one day and talked to him on the phone about some problems I was having with my brother. He helped me out and reassured me that I was doing the right thing for myself and helped me come up with some solutions. This counselor you are going to see will be someone you can talk to a neutral third party and maybe able to help you figure things out. If you are not comfortable with this counselor and it is not a good fit than maybe you can see about getting a different one. If I was you I would give yourself and this counselor a shot at it you have nothing to lose and maybe a lot to gain

I wish you luck

Red

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 30

I'm afraid I'll learn things I never wanted to know about myself. That's a dark place. I am a bit calmer now. I'm getting used to being messed up, and learning to deal with it. Understanding the symptoms I feel helps a lot. I need more though. This whole mess just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 192

Hi Cori: Yes, Davit is right. The counseling would be a positive move. You'll get insight into your situation, the whys, whens, hows, etc. You'll learn things about yourself which will help you on your road to healing. Hang in there! Rooting for you....

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Cori J

See the councillor. There is nothing in that pot but sugar. Go ahead and stir it. Your councillor would have to be very bad indeed to do you any harm. I can see only good coming from this. I would love to hear about your progress. You sound so much calmer, are you?

Davit

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 30

oh dear. I'm a mess. Sometimes I wish I was born into a different life. So much BS going on, it gets hard to deal with. At least the evil one is out of the province for the next 5 weeks. I can handle the email contact, just about work stuff, but every time I see him, I end up throwing up after. That's not good when he comes into my work to chat with me, and then I'm supposed to deal with customers.

On the good side though, I'm only having panic attacks about once a week now. I'm able to recognize the panic sooner, and try to calm down before it gets too big. Saw the doctor again today, and I'm going to go see a counselor. I'm scared though. Sometimes bad things happen when you stir the pot.

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In a Pickle