I wanted to introduce myself and tell my story.
February 15, 2009 - started taking Lipo-6. These are diet pills with caffeine.
March 2, 2009 - (while doing payroll) got light headed and experienced chest pain so officemates called 911. At the ER I was feeling OK except for tingling sensation on my arms and legs-- EKG & BP was normal. The doctor said it could be the pills that I took. It was taking so long for somebody to see me that I left--since I was feeling better and felt foolish taking the pills. Rested the next day and went back to work the day after that.
March 16, 2009 - (while doing payroll) got lightheaded and a little dizzy- got hot flushes and tingling sensations-- asked a co worker to bring me to the Urgent Care. It was so bad I felt I couldn't breath and it came in waves-- I hope you know what I mean. EKG, BP and bloodwork were all fine--the doctor said my symptoms does not match up and it could be panic attack-- he prescribed Ativan.
I didn't want to believe him that it was just that. Evening came and I was alone and I got upset that my husband didn't go home right away and I had another PA and had to call 911 to my home. The paramedics took my EKG and BP and everything was fine and asked me what I want to do- I had them take me to the ER but when I got there-they were so busy and I left after waiting for a few hours-again. I didn't go to work the whole week and had more blood tests done almost positive that something is wrong with me. I think I was actually hoping there is something wrong with me-- to think that all these are ONLY from my mind was more frightening for me. All my blood test came back normal and I cried! I cried so much because why is there something wrong with my mind-- I was so scared. I did a lot of gardening over the weekend and went back to work the next week-- I did OK for 1 week. I thought I was over it! I was wrong.
March 30, 2009 -I was in good spirits driving to work and then it hit me again! I felt I was going to faint and crash and it felt so terrible! I began questioning my good health. I finally parked my car and had to ask a co worker to come get me from the building lobby where I worked at. She convinced me to take Ativan and I did take half-- we walked around the building then I slept-got so drowsy from the Ativan. My husband had to pick me up from work. The next day, I tried to drive to work but after a few miles I had to drive back! I was just so scared! I took another half Ativan and slept. Wednesday-- my husband accompanied me to my work place. I made him leave after lunch and had him pick me up after work. Thursday I asked for a ride from my sister in law. My husband picked me up and we went to see a therapist (April 2, 2009). The therapist mentioned that in 6 months I'll feel better! This got me so scared! I didn't want to be like this for the next 6 months! I want to get well NOW! So he said "then what I want you to do is go your car right now and drive to work!" The thought got me so scared that I just cried. The next day- I drove to work! It was so hard but I did it! I kept on thinking " I'm going to die"-- and I didn't. Now I don't fear driving--I still get mild attacks while driving but I no longer associate it with driving.
I've always thought that my trigger is going to work. For a while I stopped fearing going to work--but then I will have another biggie PA then I go back to getting anxious again. I've done th Hidden Emotion technique and there's nothing that really stresses me out dramatically-- just this fear of having another attack and most of all the fear of not getting better--the fear of having this for life--and the fear that it might defeat me and I wouldn't want to live anymore. I think my mom had PAs too but wasn't diagnosed. And she will be depressed for months at a time and i fear of becoming her.--I have a 4 yr old daughter and I fear that she will be like me too!
I got so depressed for the past two weeks that I lost 7 lbs! (Yippee!!-at least PA has an upside?) Only a few days ago that things started to look hopeful again. There are huge chunk of hours that I will still feel hopeless and defeated but I'm thankful for the the few minutes, however few, that I will sometimes think I can do this.
I'm not sure why I haven't gotten over this. I go to work everyday! I have multiple panic attacks daily at work and I still go on. BUT it is like gritting my teeth everyday and doing things and it gets very tiring.
I'm not on any meds-- I'm too scared to be on them. I feel like I'll just get worse long term.
Any insights?
Thanks