Diva,

 

You are right, you should feel extremely proud of yourself for your this weekend

As for your family affairs, like CM said, onward and upward! It takes time to move past some things, especially family matters. Hang in there, things will get better.

In the mean time, focus on your successes! Perhaps a small reward is in order  Treat yourself...you deserve it!

 

 

Hi Ya Diva:

 

Glad to hear everything turned out ok and hey even before this disorder I was never a party person, so good on you for facing your fears head on.  Onward and upward so they say.  You know Joe and I still haven't figured out who they are yet, but we will.

Thanks for the encouragement and the support!

Karla, no my birthday is this week but we celebrated this weekend and will celebrate again next weekend. But our birthdays are definitely close together lol. And thanks for the pat on the back. It always helps.

CM,

Well I might not be a party animal yet, but I am less and less terrified of parties so I guess that is progress! And you are right, the anticipation, wondering if you can do it or not is often worse then the actual event!  So thanks for reminding me of that as I feel anxious about this wekk. But you are right, I fret and frenzy myself and I will most likely do just fine this week hahaha! I needed the reminder. Thanks! And thanks for the kudos.

I have come back from my party. It is a bitter-sweet feeling. Sweet as I feel victorious. I went there and acted nice and sociable and I wasn't the first one to leave! Not even close. So woohoo for me!

BUT

Bitter as this party left me feeling exhausted and tired and sad and brought up a lot of issues for me. Today's party was at my dad's. ME and his wife has major issues. And although lately she has been wonderfully nice, I still feel stressed out with her. I always feel like I am waiting for the claws to come out. Like this is just a truce that will turn into an ambush! Plus there are a lot of hurts in my past related to her...Her saying bad things about my mom (whom I adore) is one of them. Even tonight I heard her with my brother saying bad things about my mom(not sure what the context was)...BTW, my brother was not saying bad stuff about my mom, only she was... Also, all night there was talk about family and family unity and how lucky we are to have a united family and I felt like: "Are you kidding me! Am I in a different universe than you are? Am I in the Twilight Zone! I barely get to see my dad. Growing up with all the tensions I did not get to see him much. (part of that is his fault for being a workaholic).  There are tons of "family pictures" in which I don't appear. "Family trips" without me. Most of my life I felt as if that woman wanted me not to exist! And now we are all lovey-dovey and a united family? What universe did I just land in? So I spent all evening pretending to feel part of a family I don't feel a part of so as not to break the illusion for everyone. I felt anxious and angry and sad and displaced and lonely and like a total FRAUD! I pretended my behind off! Give me an Oscar! And on top of it, there are too many secrets. I know so many secrets that would blow the lid off that little united family I am not part of! Too many secrets. I wish there was none. I hate secrets. They make me feel bad and anxious. So many secrets that would break it all and shatter my life in the process. None of them are secrets I want to keep. They are all secrets I HAVE to keep to protect others from each other...I HATE IT!!!!! And the worse part is that if any of those secrets come out I am the one who will get it because, for some odd reason, any time anything goes wrong in that family I am the one who gets the angry phone calls and the recriminations! And I am the one who doesn't want the stupid secrets!!!! I hate this. And usually I make my peace with all of it but when I go there and I exhaust myself pretending it just all comes back up and my peace is shattered and I hate it! But I still go because my dad is sick and has been fighting cancer for over five years. He is in chemotherapy as we speak. And I don't know how long I will have him. So I go to make him happy but I hate it. But every time I am there i am afraid I will let a secret slip and my world will just come to a screeching halt and people (me included) will get hurt. So tonight was really tough on me. And the worse part is I have to do this again next weekend as I have another evening with her and my dad next weekend. And it will be just the four of us so there will be nowhere to hide... She is trying so hard to be nice and kind to me, but I don't trust the peace and I feel afraid. She is not a bad person but we have a lot of hurt and bad history between us... Our relationship in the past has been toxic and I am not sure I am over it. 

So now I am sad and tired, no exhausted and anxious feeling. I feel unsteady. And I am sorry to vent. I should be proud of myself for getting through 2 parties but instead I feel unsteady and anxious. Thanks for letting me vent! I needed to get this out really badly. Thanks again.

 

Hi Ya Diva:

 

Glad you got through the party, who knows you might become a party animal (just kidding).

 

Speaking from experience I think at the time I wont' be able to do something and can whip myself into a real frenzy and get really overwhlemed, but you know what I usually end up being able to do it. So I'm sure you will get through your challenging week and hey your one up on me being able to challenge your negative thoughts.

 

You go girl!

Thanks for the Birthday wishes!

And thank you also for the rest of your reply. You are right, it is not weakness or failure. Sometimes I really need to be reminded. Funny how I know that for others but not for myself. My therapist always says I am much harder and meaner with myself then with others lol. So thanks for the reminder .

My first party was exhausting but it went well! I think I did ok lol. Now, I have some work to do today, then I have another party. Part of me feels really anxious that I have so little time to rest and that I have a huge week coming up. But I am challenging my thoughts! So off I go to go do some work. I can worry about the second party when it comes to that lol!

 

Happy Birthday Diva:

 

Don't even entertain the fact that you are in some way a failure or are a lessor person for having to take meds.  This is not a sign of weakness on your part.  I have done so much reading on the subject of mood disorders. I know in a lot of cases meds are required to allow the person to be able to get to a stage where they can cope better and learn the necessary skills & at some point they can gradually come off the meds.

 

 Take care & enjoy your party.

 

 

So hey guys!

Today, I got up way later then I wanted...But I decided to forgive myself lol.  Acceptance is key. If you resist it persists. The big thing in my day today is that I have a Birthday party to attend to. It is a birthday for me and my brother-in-law. He and I have birthdays pretty close together and since we get along really well we often celebrate together. So tonight is our birthday party. I am not feeling up to it so much. I am not sure how many people will be there but usually there is a lot. So that freaks me out. I am not good with large groups. I must say though that his wife is one of my best friends and she knows about my anxiety and usually takes good care of me. She sits with me a bit apart from the group and chats with me and keeps me company. She is great. So that always help. And she is bound to be there since it is her house lol. The other thing that freaks me out is that they had stomach flu over at their house recently (Thursday, they were still sick). Now I am very vulnerable to stomach flu for some odd reason I don't get. So this is definitely bringing out my inner hypocondriac lol! But I will go and do my best to be sociable and nice. It will make people happy if I make the effort to attend. Plus, I can just go sit in a corner with my friend if I feel overhwelmed. And once I am too tired  I can just go home happy that I went. So yeah, that is the plan. Thanks for letting me think out loud it helped! 

Have a good day guys.

I completely agree about what you said about outlook, hope and resiliency! So true! Thanks for dropping in and taking time to reply to me.

Yesterday I went to my GP. She prescribed and anti-depressant but at the lowest dose which is all I can deal with atm. She prescribed new sleeping pills, she wants me to sleep. I am not sure I will take them...I will speak to my therapist. I have control and fear issues when it comes to medication. Lol that is an understatement!

So I will go see my therapist again next week, and after that I will most likely start on anti-depressants. I hear those AD (anti-depressants) are also good to help control anxiety. So that would be a nice little bonus lol. Not sure how long I will have to go on the AD so that freaks me out... But I will speak to my therapist and we will figure all this out together.

It is hard for me to go back on meds. When I was meds free I was very proud of myself. I keep having to remind myself that although pills don't teach skills they can help get you and even keel so you can learn the skills and make the changes you need. I also have to remind myself that it does not diminish me or my accomplishments, it does not make me lesser. The worse part is I totally agree with others taking their medication I just don't agree with me taking any lol. 

Anyway, today, I am resting. I had a big week and I got through it and am very proud of myself. But I am also exhausted! So here I go being decadent and just relaxing today!

Have a great day guys!