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15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2101

Hello Koneko,

I really wish I had more helpful advice for you. I know you will get through this though. Hang in there, this too shall pass! Please keep us posted and you are in my thloughts.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 477

Hi Koneko,

I totally understand how you feel. I've been with my husband for 9 years now and I still can't get comfortable with his family. But it's gotten better... but I still don't really talk to them. My husband explained to his mom for me about my anxiety and she seems nice about it... well, I don't really know since I avoid seeing them. But I think the best is to tell them some how, maybe you can tell them through a letter or something? I know how difficult it would be... or instead maybe you will be able to push yourself to eat like how well you did last time. Maybe you can practice everyday until then and it might be easier then anticipated?

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 76

Thanks Diva, that's exactly how I feel. I definately don't feel like I fit in with his family, my fiancee of course because he's more like me. My family is really laid back and easy going jokesters while his family is more serious/health concious. My fiancee thinks that I don't give his parents enough credit, they are really nice people but I just worry that it won't be accepted and I'm not sure I'm ready to tell them or have my fiancee tell them for me, I don't think I've accepted my anxiety yet either to be honest. I still find not being able to eat sometimes really dumb and frustrating and I'm still not sure how I went from totally fine with no anxiety to having these problems so quickly.

Breanne: My fiancee definately knows how anxious I am, it's not the visiting that worries me obviously, it's the breakfast and lunch and dinner

I really don't want to lie to them about it either but I just don't think I want to tell them right now. I think though if I don't go this time then they might really think something is up. I haven't even really told my own mom yet (she knows a bit but not all, I don't want to worry her) so how can I tell my fiancee's parents?

It's frustrating and worrying me to no end, it's so easy for someone to just tell you to stop worrying about it and that worrying is making it worse (fiancee, he's right I know but it doesn't help) they really don't know how hard it is to stop worrying sometimes. I would love to visit them but I don't want to have to eat in front of them or with them and that's just so terribly rude (swallowing/eating anxiety.) My fiancee has been accommodating up until now with everything but for some reason with this visit he isn't budging. I'm not really sure what to do. I have the option of going to see my mom instead, I think he's just pushing me to get out and not stay at home alone again but I don't really want to visit anyone right now until I get this mostly sorted out. He's done a lot for me, A LOT and I really don't want to disappoint him. I'll probably go and the visit will be nice but come meal times I'm going to be seriously freaking out, maybe not on the surface but definately inside.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2101

Hello Koneko,

Well haven't had any trouble eating in a very long while but I do understand what you are going through partly. I met my husband when I was in my late teens also. We got married in our early twenties. We are pretty close in age him and I. Nobody thought it would last either. I always had the feeling that I did not fit into his family and that I did not fit in. I wish I could tell you it went away but not completely. Now, after over ten years of living together I feel that his family likes me ok but I still don't really fit in. They are like your fiancés family. Logical, hard working, no non-sense people. Now, I am hard-working but not as no non-sense as they are. So I get how you feel about telling them.

Me I told them. I told them because I just could not deal with the secrecy and pressure and could hide it no longer. It turns out more of them understood then I thought! Some did not but at least they knew I wasn't ignoring them or being rude when I did not go to family events. Now I go when I can, if not my husband goes without me. When I go they are very nice to me. I still don't quite fit in but it feels better. In my case just coming out with it cleared the air a lot.

One way or another it is good that things are in the open now because I intend to be in their family a very long time and I just did not have the energy to hide from them any longer!

I really wish I had better advice for you or that I had something smart to say about this. All I can say is I know how it is to be terrified at going to see the in-laws. I have had many panic attacks over this. The beauty of it is, my relationship with them is no worse now then before and I feel much better about it. Oh that and I am still in one peice :)

Hang in there Koneko and keep us posted!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

Koneko,

I'm sorry that you are going through a tough time. Does your fiancee know how anxious you are about the visit?

Would he be able to speak to his parents, or would it matter?

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 76

I'm not sure I can use the sore throat thing either this time because probably about 85% of the time I've gone to visit them I've been sick for real

It just so happens that whenever we've gone to visit them I've had the flu, a cold, etc. They have dogs as well so my allergies get really bad when I go over there.

The last time I went to visit them was the day after my anxiety started but I was really sick at the time. They had burgers and I remember having a really bad panic attack at the table. I forced it down and I don't think they noticed but I really couldn't go through that again. I had to excuse myself from the table and had a really bad coughing fit in the other room. Lucky for me I really was sick so they just thought that it was the cold I had and it very well could have been the cold partly.

I really can't tell them, they aren't the type of people who understand anxiety, let alone the type of anxiety I have. They're very logical so they'd just tell me to suck it up and then start with the "Don't be silly, you have to eat to live..." yadda yadda. I already -know- that but you still can't just tell your brain to stop being annoying and get on with it. Well you can but it doesn't always listen. I don't always think they like me that much either, I was 17 when my fiancee and I got together and he was 19 and they always thought it wouldn't last. 10 yrs later and we've proved that wrong but I still don't think they totally like me. Most of my fiancee's sister's bfs they've gotten along with really well but I'm very shy and quiet even 10 yrs later so I haven't really opened up much at all with them. I've gone off on a rant but I'm really worrying about this visit, I just don't know if I can handle it atm.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2101

Hello Koneko,

I am sorry to hear you are having a tough time. I think DB had great advice for you. If you don't think they will understand, the soar throat thing is a good idea. Then you know you don't have to eat what you can't and you can relax more. I would imagine anxiety would make the eating tougher. Anyway, I really hope you feel better soon. Let us know how it goes and feel free to come vent here anytime. Keep us posted.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 778

Aww Koneko hugs . Sorry you are feeling like this again . I do understand as you i did . And still do but noway near as much as before .

I can understand why you dont feel ready to tell your fiancee's parents but are you sure they wouldnt understand ? If you really do think that they wont then why not say you have a sore throat and can only eat (whatever you feel safe eating) . I know its not good to lie but i think that all the worrying you are doing is pushing your anxiety up which is affecting your eating again .

How are you doing today ?

CD X

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 76

I felt like I was getting better over the past few days but I've gone crashing down again, I've only been eating small amounts again and fretting over every bite. My fiancee wants me to go visit his parents with him in a few days and I'm getting very anxious just thinking about it, they don't know about my eating anxiety and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle having dinner with them. I can't use the stay at home excuse this time because I really don't want his parents thinking badly of me. It's so horrible I've known them for 10 yrs now and just in the past few months this anxiety with swallowing started.

I'm worried big time over this visit, my fiancee says not to worry about it but I can't stop thinking about what they might think of me if I don't join them for dinner or I don't eat a lot of what they serve. I'm worried about what kind of food they might be having (I won't eat burger or steak atm, too chewy.) 4 days away and I'm totally freaked out, they don't know about it because I haven't seen them since my anxiety began and I'm not sure I want to discuss it with them yet. They aren't the type of people who are very accomodating to anxiety, more like the suck it up type of people.

Ugh to make matters worse since I started typing this I went to have a yogurt and there was a small amount of mold on the top inside corner. I ate some and I'm starting to feel sick. I can't think of anything except this visit which used to be something so easy, now it's a nightmare and I'm not sure how to deal with it.

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