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16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 477

Hi Cornish Dee,

Thanks so much for posting. It's nice to hear a perspective of me from another view and it gives me some self esteem. Thanks so much. He has been moody today also. But I put up with it. I feel a bit lighter from when I first wrote, I think I can handle going to his town. I can always come back and at least I tried. I don't want to leave it like this, and I think it's just bad right now because he is here with me in my parent's house. He doesn't have a place to relax like how he was able to during his paradise vacation where everyone was on his side. I can go through this... I will, I must. And it's really thanks for this site that I have a place to vent and get feed back. Thanks so much.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 778

Oh Miki hun , what an awful situation . Im aching for you sweetie . I have no wise words here , think DM and Diva got there first ! What i will say is im with 100% , if only at the end of a flaming PC .

I have seen such a change in your posting this last few weeks , you wont believe me but you are coming across alot stronger than before .

All i can offer you is my thoughts and prayers for now . Please take care and keep posting , even a good old scream to let things out .

Massive hugs CD xxxx

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 477

Hello Sylvie. Thanks so much for the support.

Hello Dazed Mommy, thanks for reminding me of those strong words. I feel like he is tired of holding my hand now.

I couldn't sleep last night, I was thinking too much and I had to wake him up to talk again. I told him how I feel so isolated from him already and that he seems to be moving in a direction where I may not be there already. I kept apologizing of what I said(that caused all of this) and I really want to make it all work out. But I am really afraid of living out there in his town without him... spiritually. He may be physically be there, but I feel so detached from him. He doesn't consider much of me anymore and he is just really cold about things but in a nice way. He is still nice and makes happy and funny comments but he is more blunt then ever and easily irritated. When I talked to his mother yesterday, she asked if we ever fight. Honestly, we never did until now. Whenever I fight him he shuts up and let me ramble... and I hated that because I felt needy and selfish. He never fought back at me and never was angry at me, or at least he didn't show it. I told him about this and said that we do need to fight more. But he said that if we fought, he would hurt me. If I go out there on my own, I will leave the security of my family and will have to deal with his anger everyday by myself. I have registered for classes over there but it will be the first time since I relapsed that I'd go to school. The fact that I don't have his support anymore gets me insecure about life over there.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 313

Hey Miki

I've just read through the last few posts and I'm sorry to hear it's not going all that well.. Marriages are tough and although love is important I believe it's not enough to survive on.

It is what makes us work on our marriages and ensure that we give it our all but it should NEVER make you "settle" or compromise your needs to suit what they want... You are who you are...and a marriage is acceptance of the person we are with through good times and bad...sickness and in health... and all the other unforeseen things that may come upon us in our times together. It doesn't mean that we will always understand or fully comprehend what the other is going through but that we will be there to LEARN and hold their hand when need be.

Living with him may be a good idea to know that you gave it your all....... but it has to be what you both want. You will get better Miki but you are changing through this process... and even as you're growing up... both of you are.. His happiness also shouldn't be your responsibility...

I think the pressure is a lot for you right now but you need to know that you are the MOST important person and your needs come first. If you're not happy or feeling as though you are loved.. it will only hold you back. Love isn't about changing for the person you want to be with... it's acceptance... and you deserve to be accepted for who you are and all that you encompass.. your anxiety is only a FRACTION of who you are ... it does not define your character or your heart etc.

I met my husband at 16... We've been together 19 years this November...and married for 11 of those. Not always easy but always accepting of eachother...faults and all... You ...MIKI deserve to be loved for MIKI...not the person you think you can be..or should be... but who you are now... in this very moment... at your most vulnerable... when it really matters... It's easy to love someone who doesn't have any worries... it shows TRUE love to love someone who is real...

Well that's my long say... but I've thought long and hard about this through our marriage and its ups and downs.. especially when I was diagnosed early in our marriage...

Take care Miki and BIG HUGS...

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1288

Miki, You should do what you feel most comfortable with. Be sure to weigh all the pros and cons. of you moving or staying. Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 477

Hi Diva,

Thanks for the love. It really means a lot.

Things have not been really progressing. He seems irritated every time I don't drive. He has also been starting to talk about his life plans in the future. Things like all the things he's going to accomplish and live in another country and such. He's been spending a lot of money also. He said that it feels good to spend especially for other people. We've been saving through out all our marriage and now he's become more free and doing what he feels like. I feel like he has spread his wings and I am trying to catch up with all my might. I haven't felt so exhausted. Everything is just so ackward, it's like he's already started a new life without me and it's up to me if I want to follow. His relatives has offered him to stay in their country also because of all this and it sounds really appealing to him. He said he wants to do all these adventureous things. I also was finally able to talk with him mother more about my situation. I wrote her a letter about my panic attacks but she kept pushing me into driving. That is probably because that is where my husband really has a problem with. Me just not being independent enough. We are both really young and I think he is eager to live his life to the fullest, whether it's with me or not. I decided to move back down to his town by the end of this month but I am starting to wonder if it is even worth all this struggle for myself. I really don't know what to do. I want it all to work, but he is not the same anymore. What should I do?

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2101

Hello Miki,

I am so sorry to hear you are having such a rough go of it. I wish I had great words of comfort and great wise advise for you. You are in my thoughts, sending you a hug!

. I know how tough this can be. Me and my husband have had a lot of very tough times. We have spoken of divorce more then once. We have even been sperated at one point for 9 months, three of which we had not contact with each other! We have always chosen to remain together or come back to each other out of love but even with much love it is sometimes a tough decision. All I can say is hang in there and whatever happens we are here for you and you will get through it.

I do beleive though that you should not lose hope. I beleive things can get better. And hey, I am no great marriage expert as my marriage attests but I do beleive love to be very powerful. I figure with all the hardships me and my husband have gone through, we are still together because of love. Love is what kept us together. And well, we have been communicating and cooperating better these last few days and if we can learn to do that then anyone can!

Anyway, again I wish I had something great to say to you. Please feel free to come chat with us, vent or anything anytime. Keep us posted.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 477

Hi Breanne,

Thanks for the input.

So this morning we got to talk. I told him about my panic attack yesterday and he told me about how he discussed his situation to his aunts when he was over in their country. Both of them were siding more on the fact that he's still young and he should be able to do the things he wants to do. Both of them have been through divorces and were supportive of them. Both are happily remarried now. One of his aunt's husband's ex wife had mental illness. It sounds much like anxiety disorder and he had put up with it for 5 years and left her eventually. My husband said he started to consider the divorce. He thought of how long will he have to wait to see if I'll ever get better and will we be able to do the things we used to be able to do. He says he still loves me but I guess the support from his aunts has got him thinking. They even told him they've noticed how different we are as in personality when they met me. I feel so detached from him now. I want to keep believing that I'll get better and one day I'll be able to make him happy... but after panic attacks like yesterday I wonder if I should let him free. This puts so much more stress on me. But I read today's quote and felt a bit encouraged. But it's so scary. I just don't know what to do... we are not the same anymore and I don't know how to make it better. I feel so stuck.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

Miki,

I'm so sorry to hear that you had such a horrible attack. I can understand how you feel exhausted. I would suggest taking it easy tonight. Your husband is probably just as tired as you are. You should both get a good nights sleep, and I am sure you will both feel so much better in the morning. Hang on to that feeling of hope Miki, tomorrow's a new day.

Keep us posted on how you are,

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 477

Hello Everyone,

Thank you for the kind words.

What a day today! I woke up early anxious and I went to drive the 15 miles on the local streets anxious and it was not pretty. I had major panic attacks on the way, but was encouraged by my mother in law along the way. She doesn't know much about my situation but she was considering enough and kept pushing me. I was so happy to see my husband and he seemed he was in a lighter attitude then when he left but we didn't really converse on the way back. On the way back, since the anxiety was still there, I had a huge huge panic attack maybe the biggest one I've ever had... and my husband seemed upset. It really irritated me that it stopped after we got off the freeway. After a bit we were able to converse a bit more normally and I took my hand out to him and he took it. My smallest hope. He was supposed to go to class today in his city 2 hours away but since he just came back from another country, I told him he should rest instead and stay. I feel a bit guilty because he said if he fails the class it costs $1000. But he's resting here now and that is what matters to me at the moment. So there is no conclusion yet... I am sooooooooo exhausted. The panic attacks were soo scary, I can't remember a scarier one. I hate it so much, I just kept getting dizzy and numby and burping constantly and felt so nauseous, it was horrible. I hate it so much.

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