I am sorry to see you are having such a tough time of it with your hubby. Just took time to read your posts. I agree with the others. You are valuable and wonderful and worthy with or without a husband and with or without panic. I also know how hard it is to remember that sometimes. There were times where my hubby had much trouble being close to me. And for a long time I thought he just could not accept my anxiety. Then again I did not accept it myself. And I did not think I was worth it or worthy. I think my feelings of slef worth made it hard for me to let him know what I needed and how I felt and it made things harder between us. I am not saying this is what is happenning with you and my post may be way off. But I really beleive you are worth it no matter what. HAng in there and keep us posted.
Hello Miki ,hmmmm . Birdie gave a good post for you there as one who can really relate to you . You are worth so much ,you just have to believe it .
Plus as for being jealous well thats pretty normal as well . I would be if my hubby went out all the time by his self , think thats human nature . Just how you handle it is the main thing and you did great on that count .
I am not married, but I can totally understand where you are in your relationship.
I feel like sometimes when I tried to talk to my significant other about my anxiety that it was used against me later. I began to hide my panic and anxiety because I felt that it made me vulnerable.
I also truly believe that some people who have never experienced panic or anxiety attacks have no idea how bad they really are and do not know how to provide support when you need to talk. They just don't understand.
I think talking to people who can relate is powerful, but also recognizing that not everyone understands anxiety is also important.
Am feeling for you and getting what you are saying. Feeling worthy is a must. Knowing you are valuable with your husband, without your husband, with panic attacks, without panic attacks. I don't feel unworthy anymore, but I did for a very long time. Then I started to think if the roles were reversed would I stop loving my husband. The answer is no! I've had a man reject me because of my panic attacks and after I got over that I realized how wrong he was for me. If he couldn't accept me the way I was and work with me in the bad times then he really didn't love me enough to stick with me long term. Bad times come for everyone and I am willing to give that kind of loyalty so I expect that in return. I agree with communicating. It's a good idea to talk through your concerns because they are valid!!!
Yesterday, he went to sleep and later on he went out with his friends to a club or something. I was extremely paranoid about it thinking what he would be doing there... but I held it in. Although he went, he showed me gestures like he was feeling a bit bad about it.. just for the sake of my feelings. It is soooo small but it gave me a little hope if I think about it. But by then, I didn't know what to do again... I don't want to show that I'm jealous, but I was. And I know that I shouldn't be jealous because my negative thinking is what is attracting him away from me. I searched for a marriage councelling site and came across a forum where a lady was in a similar situation as mine. But her husband had decided to leave her already because of her low confidence. This made me realize that I must not give up again... I was not happy with myself with panic attacks and it took all my confidence away. I made him agree that I was hopeless and I feel that I need to bring that hope back up somehow. I showed him to believe that I was not worth it by thinking I'm not worth it myself. It's a battle between me and myself.
Miki well i must say you are doing extremely well inspite of the lack of help from your husband . Well done to you for that , i think i would be in pieces myself .
The only thing i can suggest like Breanne is talk talk talk till it gets through to him . Surely inspite of the arguement you had he can see how much you are doing now ?
I'm sorry to hear that things still aren't going to well with your hubby. I do think it might be a good idea to sit down with him, and tell him how you are feeling. Put it all out there, open up to him, and hopefully he will do the same for you.
Everyone needs a good hug, and I'm sure your hubby does too.
Sorry, I'm back again, I just have to keep writing, since this is how I can clear my mind.
I just can't wait to see how I can handle living down there with him. I feel like he's just being a big baby now since he has the hand. I also feel like I can't see things clearly enough yet since I'm still protected in my parents home. Am I supposed to realize that I don't need hugs from him... what good is it going to do for me, right? But I guess at the fact that we are still married, I have this stupid rule that I can be wanting him. I'm just going on an on blabbering making it even more confusing. I just need to take a breath, step back, and find something productive to do!
My husband came home today and it's all still so weird. We don't have any lasting conversations and he just ends up answering my questions in short versions. I asked if I can get a hug from him and he said no. I said I don't get it and he in return got more angry. I really don't get it anymore. I don't want to cause it more of a stir that it already is but how do I give myself any credit? I keep telling myself that it's not time, but what happens to the me who wants to be hugged? Do I just hold it in until HE wants to? I feel angry at how long it's taking him to forgive me, but how long am I supposed to wait for it? Well, I guess when I can't wait for it any longer, I wont... so I guess I have to leave it up to time. I don't know what to do when I'm around him anymore... I don't know what to say either. I'm probably supposed to be saying all this that I've written here but I don't want it to get anymore messy... or am I suppose to let it?
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Embrace it, and enjoy. 
