Dear Shandar,
You are so honest. It's a great thing to come here, be that honest with us, and allow yourself to be supported. That was what I did when I first started posting here, too. Julie always has such sweet words, and great advice. I feel like she and I could be good sober friends, lol. Foxman always has such great educational tools to really learn about addiction, recovery, and how the mind of an addict works. The tools he shares helped me immensely as well. If you were sober for 19 months, you can do this! The realization that we can never drink again is a tough pill to swallow. I sometimes struggle during my sad, frustrating, or anxious days, and want the relief of a drink.
I don't think I have shared this yet on the site, but the last time I drank I hid the wine bottle when it was empty. The next day I went to a local shopping center to throw the bottle away, because if I put it in the recycle bin here at home, my husband would see that I had drank the whole thing. I snuck from my car with the bottle in my purse wrapped in plastic bags thinking that no one will see me quickly throw it away. The problem was, the trash I dropped it in was metal, and EMPTY! The bottle made the hugest CRASH when it hit the bottom of the trash, a bunch of people in the plaza turned to look at me. I was so mortified. The shame of drinking so much, and knowing I was out of control, and seeing the strangers look at me was just awful. That memory is so burned in my brain... and now that's a good thing. Maybe you got drunk the other day so that you could have your memory of that night burned in your brain, too? I know on the days that I want to drink, I think of that CRASH in the can, and it certainly snaps me back to the reality that I can't drink.... I just can't. Like Foxman says, my mind may want to trick me sometimes into thinking that I can moderate... but I just can't.
Now full disclosure, I'm only sober 4 months. Perhaps the memory will fade and one day the mind will trick me. I certainly hope not... that's why I come here to read about other people's lives, and remind myself that I am just like many here.... wanting to choose to be sober today.