Aspen,
My heart reaches out to you in your painful loss of your sister. Your family Christmas celebration must have been so difficult. It is probably not surprising that you reached for alcohol during this time.
You are right that this is a new week and a fresh start. You asked about the possibility of moderating successfully. I can only speak from my experience, but I found that once I became worried about my alcohol use, I was already fully involved and it was very difficult to moderate. Because I did not want to accept that I had to quit completely, I did try to moderate in a number of ways: drinking only beer not wine, trying to have no more than one glass a night, promising myself I would be moderate at a social event etc. etc. Some of these worked for a while, with my constant vigilance but it seemed each time I would return to more alcohol and eventually I embarrassed myself in front of my kids and husband and knew that the only way for me was to quit drinking. When I went into this the last time, I had tried moderating a number of times and I was sure it wouldn't work for me. That idea really scared me and I wasn't sure I could do without alcohol, but the idea of continuing on the way I was scared me more and I knew I had to make a change.
But you know what, after the first few very difficult weeks, life got better and I lost the guilt and self recrimination drinking brought with it. It became a positive change versus something that I was being deprived of. Slowly but surely, I found it easier and now, at Day 177, it really is my new normal. Each time I made it through a social event or difficult time without alcohol, my resolve strengthened. I am feeling so much more positive and optimistic.
I am finding that Christmas brings with it so many alcohol associations but I know that it is not something that I will go back to now. Christmas is another first that I will get through and I will remember every moment.
Best of luck as you find your way to what works for you Aspen.
