it's been a while since i last was on here.. i think over a year??
i first admitted my addiction to alcohol in july 2013 and - after a hell of a struggle - managed to stay sober for the rest of 2013.. the first time i drank was on new year's eve.. the interesting thing is: even though i knew my story and the traps so well, i went: oh i will just have one glass and then stop it.. in the end i was pretty drunk.. i managed to stay away from it though, until maybe april of this year when i made some new friends and went out with them a few times.. at first i managed but then it started again.. oh only one beer or two.. that time i managed but i quickly realized i was playing with fire.. and decided to be abstinent again..
over the last months i have been in a difficult situation, financially and also i have some major decisions to make which is causing a lot of emotions and also stress internally.. which are the things that used to lead me to drinking in order so get some peace of mind for a while.. so 2 weeks ago i had a christmas party from work.. and you won't believe it but: same old story! oh i will just have one christmas punch and that's gonna be it.. i ended up drinking through the whole night.. maybe not as much as i used to during my 'high times' but this is only due to the fact that i am not used to the alcohol anymore.. it was enough to not remember parts of the night and to feel unhappy with myself the next day..
with year's end ahead and me trying to decide what i should do, if i better stay at home far from temptations, i was reflecting on this past year and the question that came up is: am i STILL caught in this addictive circle?? i manage to stay abstinent most of the year but the few times i was drinking, it was the same old thing like before, i was mostly unable to control the amount or to stop..
i have to also say that back in my day i wasn't drinking on a daily basis.. the issue was that i used to go binge drinking regularly to numb my emotions and my inner conflicts and stress, i felt like i needed to drink to be able to make it through my life and in the end i reached an escalation point where i was seriously endangering my life.. so now, still not being able to STOP after one beer, i feel i am still addicted.. it is the same issue but now maybe twice a year instead of every weekend or so..
and in a way it is so frustrating.. because the time when i was abstinent i noticed the addiction coming out in other ways.. in order to numb myself i smoked for a while or i started overeating, gaining weight.. meanwhile i stopped smoking and i am in control of my diet for over 3 months now, also exercising regularly and definitely feeling better with my body.. but it feels like still, it is a struggle and i have to be mindful and expect the cravings for alcohol to show up again.. on normal days i'm okay but when there is something stressing me out or when i am at a turning point in my life, like now.. it can all get overwhelming and honestly, before i went to that christmas party i actually wanted to drink something to just make my mind shut up for a while.. to stop thinking and stop feeling!! i wanted this relief, even though i know it is dangerous for me!!
luckily in my life i never turned to drugs because i am scared of them.. so alcohol was my refuge and then cigarettes and food.. now, with all this taken away or being controlled, i feel i have nothing to 'help' me anymore.. and since not many people know of my past and this issue, i have no one to speak to.. i have told few people but they believe it is over.. no one knows i still struggle with this addict mind..
and honestly, if there were something i could take.. something that is not destructive, something that makes me feel like the alcohol did b
