Hi Jewel,
I was inspired by your post to do a little introspection myself. Only, I really hate labels like “Alcoholic” as I do not want to be defined by a condition or a behavior. I look at myself as having a maladaptive relationship with alcohol. We don’t get along so well so I try to keep my distance.
I also checked my eyes and skin for yellowing. I went further and checked my nail beds, eye lids, hair, tongue and mouth for any abnormalities. I would palpate my liver and pancreas to see if there was any tenderness. I didn’t avoid seeing a doctor in fact, I deliberately asked my physician to check my liver enzymes because I had become afraid of what I was doing to myself. Didn’t help though since they were normal so it essentially gave me the green light to keep doing what I was doing. I rationalized that I wasn’t drinking too much after all.
I have some friends that drink as much, if not more than I did so I again rationalized that “I” wasn’t that bad since “they” were worse than me. I would rationalize that since I didn’t have screaming headaches after a drunk and was able to go to work that I was ok. I even convinced myself that since I didn’t drink every day that my drinking wasn’t “that” bad.” Yup, it’s not that bad at all to drink at 6:00 a.m. and where blackouts were the norm lol.
You’re so right Jewel, totally insane how our minds will rationalize and justify our drinking. Staying stopped is very hard and I am a little apprehensive of the upcoming socializing inherent with this time of year. Fortunately, I can always come here to strengthen my resolve and that is exactly how I managed to make it this far AF.
Yes, I too was totally irrational!
TS
