I've had a long time - about 30 years in and around AA - to think about this stuff. Alcohol always gave me confidence, and it slowly dawned on me, as the years went by, that I've always had this feeling in the back of my mind that I was never good enough, and that my ideas, my conversations, my social skills, pretty-much everything I did, never really matched up to my friends' accomplishments. When I drank, these inhibitions disappeared and I became confident. My conversation flowed, I was funnier, and people seemed to like me and accept me more. So I started drinking to relax, to get in a better mood, to be able to relate better to other people. And for a while it worked. But of course, as the body became used to the alcohol it took more and more to get the same sense of lift.
As I've become older and had the experience of living alcohol-free, I'm much more comfortable with myself, my accomplishments, and my place in the world. I don't worry so much about what people think of me (They're not usually thinking of me at all anyway) and I now realise that I function far better if my head is clear and I am alcohol-free. So I'm grateful for each good day and try to do something that I wouldn't have done if I had been on the couch finishing a litre and a half of wine.
Both parents were heavy drinkers although it was difficult to tell in Scotland in the 60s! Mother suffered from chronic schizophrenia and although she was never homeless she was often living on the streets of Edinburgh, so sometimes I worry about me and my dragon!
(No, I'm only kidding!)
George and the dragon
