Hi Thinking and Hepsie,
Thank you for acknowledging my presence (I'm not being sarcastic - I really mean it - sometimes I think that I am either invisible or that others who think they know me don't believe that I struggle).
I'm not sure how old either of you are, But sometimes, I wonder if I am a product of my times. I was born in 1963. I grew up in the seventies when feminism was strong and schools in Canada were sending very strong messages to girls that they could be whatever they wanted to be. For me - with parents who had extremely high expectations and the ability to do well at school and pick up new things easily - somehow I interpreted that as meaning I should be something extraordinary. At the same time, my mother - a stay-at-home mother - was depressed, miserable and completely submissive to my father. Not a great role model for motherhood - no wonder I waited until I was 37 to have my first child.
I remember very early on dismissing the idea of becoming a teacher because it was a traditional female occupation - and yet now, I deeply regret that I didn't become a teacher. I would be a school principal by now and I would have been able to spend summers with my children. I was an excellent student and yet somehow, because my fathers expectations were so high (because I had been blessed with his genes) I did not think I could succeed at university. I went to community college, and then painfully slowly, I completed my degrees part time over many years.
I have never felt that I have lived up to other people's expectations of me. I have even had a former employer tell me exactly that.
I know that healing and making the best of the rest of my life means accepting who I am, not being afraid to fail and learning how to think more positively. But still I struggle - do I need to stop drinking in order to do this? (I know that the answer is yes, I am just having trouble accepting this at a deep enough level that I can remain motivated an focussed throughout each day.
It is extremely difficult for me to depend on others for support. But I truly believe that unless I can learn to do that and I can allow others to see the "real me", I will be stuck here forever. Thanks for listening and not judging.
Athena