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I am so discouraged. I thought I "hit bottom". I fell apart at work and at home. I humiliated myself and I hurt people I love. I put my job and my marriage at risk. I stopped drinking last Sunday. I only managed 5 days.
I have been out of town for work and I drank increasingly more on each of the past three days. I convince myself that I can handle it. Out for dinner - I could say no after one or two drinks - but when I get home - I can rationalize anything.
How do you move forward when you can't trust your own thoughts and decisions? I am a person who places great value on my mind and my intellect - but my thinking is leading me down a deep dark hole.
I can see how easy it will be for me to talk myself out of going into treatment, but I know I need it. When I went to do the paperwork to start the process, the receptionist said "but the patient needs to come themselves, in person". I had to say "but I am here". I don't have the energy to try and convince people that I need help. I don't look like an alcoholic but I am. I am doing serious damage to myself and to my children and my relationship with my husband. I don't live on the street and I still have my family - but I am painfully aware of how much that I have lost or thrown away because of my addiction.
I read this and somehow I feel like I am saying that I don't have the right to go into treatment. I am afraid that I won't fit in - and I am also afraid that I will completely fit in...
I heard someone on the radio the other day as decribing addicts as "hypersensitive, overthinking and introverted". This describes me to a "T". How do I get out of my head and let things unfold?
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