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12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

I saw my therapist today and she suggested that I am not afraid of failure, but afraid of success. I am still trying to figure this out.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

Okay Ashley, I accept your challenge. (this is the only thing I have felt even remotely motivated to do - so thank you....)

I will create a board this weekend that includes inspirational immages and quotes to help keep me grounded.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11216

Hi Athena,

Great idea with sticking up messages to yourself. I also encourage you to add images. I'm going to challenge you to make this "vision board" this weekend. Add the words that are important to you and images that help keep you focused. Will you accept this challenge?

Thank you for your honesty in sharing your fears. How did it feel writing them out? How do you feel looking at them now? What's coming up?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

Hi Ashley,

I'm glad I checked in tonight. I almost didn't. This forum helps keep me focussed. I think I need some short, quick things that I can say to myself - or stick up on the wall - that can help me to stop thinking so much and remind me to trust in the descision that I have made, rather than continually second-guessing myself. My thoughts are spinning all the time, and all I am doing is cluttering up my head and probably avoiding dealing with my feelings. So, as you suggested - I am going to sit with my fears...

I am afraid of being "found out" - either as an alchoholic or as the not-so-competent-as-I-appear-to-be person that I am.

I am afraid that I won't be able to repair all the damage I have done to my relationships with my husband.

I am afraid that my family may be better off without me - that I'm not needed.

I'm afraid of disappointing people.

I am very afraid that if I stop drinking, I will replace it with bulimia again

I am afraid that if I allow myself to really feel the anger and pain and loneliness and sadness, I will feel even worse, I'll lose control of myself, I will somehow lose the ability to fake it.

I am afraid that if I go into treatment - I will fail - and if I fail - I will be out of options.

Hepsie, thank you for your insightful comments. And for simply accepting that when I say I am struggling - that it is true. This idea of the alcohol whispering to me is useful I think. Usually I think of it as my own thoughts tricking me and I find it really un-nerving not to be able to trust my own thoughts. So whenever I am craving or beginning to rationalize that I'll be fine if I just have one drink - I'll try to think of it as the alcohol talking - not me.

Hepsie

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11216

We are all here listening.

How can we help you to stay focused?

How would you feel if you were focused?

What do you need to do to get focused?

What

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 73

You're wise to know you need to ask for help now. And it's good to be mindful of what a big step it is for you as an otherwise self-sufficient, intelligent person who has done a brilliant job of hiding your addiction. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You know the truth, and you've gotten yourself into a place where you know you need to change. You know you're only acting the part of a sober person. You're playing a role. It isn't reality. The surprised reactions your getting now from friends and co-workers is a credit to your skill as an actress. Nothing more. Recognizing that is a very big and important first step toward recovery. You're on your way, even if you don't feel like it yet because the alcohol keeps whispering to you, trying to confuse you. Have you tried AA, and specifically a women's group? You'll meet kindred spirits who are struggling with the same issues. It might be just the thing you need to bridge the gap and stay on track until rehab starts. Please keep posting, and be kind to yourself. I know you can do it.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

Thank you for your support. I cannot express just how much it means to me to have some encouraging voices in my corner. I think that I have gotten my husband on board enought that he will agree to come to the information session for this treatment program (so long as it fits in with his schedule). I have three weeks to wait and every day, I go back and forth fifty times about whether or not I need treatment. There is no-one else who knows or would even believe that this is my problem. I really need your encouragement right now. I am not a person who usually asks for help .... but right now - I really need your help to stay focused on my goal. please... thank you.... Athena

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11216

Hi Athena,

I can really hear the frustration and hurt in what your writing. I am sorry you have to go through this; but unfortuantely I think you need to feel this in order to push you forward. Many alcoholics are functional but it will take it's toll on you and your family. Hepsie is completely right, the treatment will give you the skills and information you need to take control of this.

Fear is completely normal. I would really like you to explore your fear further. Really sit in the feeling and tells me what comes up and what you notice. Try not to rationalize or explain why you feel fear just think about the feeling and what you are experencing.

"hyersensitive, overthinking, introvert" that actually explains me to a T as well. I don't normally talk about myself on the forums but maybe this will be helpful to you. I am hypersensitve to my feelings and the feelings of others - this is what brought me to this line of work. There are ways to chanel all of those qualities you mention in a positive light but it is up to you to capitolize. Right now focus on the drinking though, everything will become clearer once alcohol is not in your life.

You can do this Athena! Start using your intelligent brain to talk yourself into this. I know you want this more than anything, it's your addiction (not you) trying to convince you otherwise. You are smarter and stronger than the addiction.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1562

Most people who are problem drinkers are weak willed when it comes to handling alcohol. Only people who have gone through the wringer can understand that. I also had the same issue. I couldn't stay stopped. Once my counselor challenged me to get off booze for sufficient period, which did for a month. But exactly the day after I caved in. I did some chores around the house and had a body ache. Instead of taking some tylonal, i bought a six pack. The Book called alcoholics anonymous calls this insanity. Here is one of the key paragraph from the book:

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 73

Athena, I feel for you. I've been in that so place many times. It's okay. Just start again. And please don't blame yourself. It's not you or anything that's wrong with you. It's the alcohol. It's distorted your thinking. Everything you're feeling is normal, including the idea that you should be able to handle it with mind over matter. You've got a good plan. You're reaching out for help. Rehab will give you the tools and support you need to clear your mind, take hold of sobriety and hang on to it. You can do it!

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