I can't sleep due to this overwhelming feeling of being alone. I'm still sober but today has been hard. I've been thinking a lot about the past and "friends" I've lost or people who have changed on me. Maybe it's real. Maybe it's all in my head. "You wouldn't care what people thought of you if you knew how seldom they did". I like to think that's true.
An old friend is in town and normally we would be getting together or I would at least get a phone call but instead I just read about it on facebook. Actually he's an old drinking buddy first and foremost and the #1 person to avoid meeting up with in my recovery. He's not happy with my past behavior, which is ironic as he is a pathetic alcoholic, and we had a blow out which we have yet to recover from. And yet I find myself feeling left out and like there are a group of ex-friends out there swapping hateful gossip stories about me. Why should I care? I wish I could let it all go.
I know how hard I've worked to stay sober and be a better person. The person I was before I got sick. I don't need angry drunk people who don't support me in my life. But for some reason I want them to know I'm changing. Why isnt it just enough for me to know? My counselor at treatment warned me that this may be an "emotional relapse" in where I am creating a painful situaltion for myself so that I can drink again to feel better. Sabotaging myself by trying to perpetuate relationships that are disfunctional and even dangerous to my sobriety.
I just feel like right now I have very few people who really understand me and think I'm a good person. I don't have lot of people inviting me out anymore. I feel like people are ignoring me and wishing harm would come to me. I feel like I'm going a bit crazy cause really I have been a much better person in these past 2 months and I should be proud of myself.
My counselor also said that I am grieving the loss of the old drunk me and the alcohol even though it was killing me and making me act like a total **** head. no matter how awful being an alcoholic was I still need to grieve that life and let it go and I suppose that means the people and "friends" and activities that die with it. She also said that now that I'm in the 2 + months recovery the PAWS is going to be very intense.
I just want to get over the shame and guilt. I want to let go of the past and forgive myself for getting sick with this soul destroying disease. I want to have real friends and feel good about myself. I want it to be enough for me to know that I am working to be better and not need the approval of some stupid circle of "friends" who probably have their own shame and guilt about stuff I don't even know about or would even care about.
I just want to feel OK.
