DAY 138. After exorcising those travel thoughts on the page here, I was able to let them go and move on without fear. I totally forgot about quitting smoking again. Because I'm no longer quitting. I QUIT. I even forgot that I used to smoke until I saw this tab open on my work computer. All I wanted was for the struggle to end, and it finally has. I wanted to feel like a non-smoker does. I first spent time feeling like a smoker-trying-to-quit. Then I moved on to smoker-who-is-quitting. Then I felt like an ex-smoker. And now, the holy grail: The NON-SMOKER! With that one bizarro exception of the travel fear (which was neatly solved before it ever even happened, thanks to this place and you people) there has been no situation, feeling, person, or event that has made me think of smoking in quite some time now... Not since around that Day 100 mark.
My partner gave up his quit a week or two ago, but I expected that and my success is no longer tied to what he does. I never understood that before - how on earth people could quit while their partner continued smoking. I read accounts of it, and it didn't make sense. The only conclusion I could come to was that those people were made of different stuff than me. Stronger resolve, more confidence, more willpower, better self-esteem, whatever. As long as he smoked, I couldn't seem to stop myself. I thought we would have to separate for me to stick with it (and since we weren't going to separate, I had a nifty excuse to keep smoking forever....). But I totally get it now, and it IS possible. It's all mindset, identifying what was excuse vs. real obstacle (hint: there were no obstacles in the end, only excuses), getting support, some grim determination, some boundaries, and a pinch of faith. And it was something I had to practice until I "got" it. So anyone who is currently in the "practice" stage of their quit, or is contemplating a quit, don't lose faith that there might be a future wherein YOU are a non-smoker. I really thought that "ex-smoker" might be the mountain top for me, but here I am, yodelling it aloud: I AM A NON-SMOKER!!! Come join me, the view is fantastic!