Hi Lilmonkey,
No this is not how you will stay. Quitting smoking is stressful and this can be taken out on a partner. When two people are involved it can get even worse! People in recovery do have ups and downs, and sometimes more downs than ups unless they adopt new ways of coping, none of which happen overnight. We keep saying that quitting is a process. Anger may play an unexpected role for you in this process, and better coping skills need to be developed to deal with this.
When many smokersquit, they go through changes that require some unmasking. Take anger, for instance: As nicotine addicts, we might have swallowed our anger, or lit up/chewed rather than make a scene when something really irked us. It might have been easier and less stressful than engaging in confrontation about some problem. I'm confident that most smokers who were "put in their place" can remember exhaling the smoke slowly at some time or other to decompress. They puffed or chewed away for dear life rather than say their piece and end up getting fired from a much-needed job, to offer one example, or be in an in-laws bad book forever, to name another.
In such anger, a nicotine fix became the crutch, the comforter and the savior of sorts, and quite a coping mechanism! (Or so we thought anyway.) Get my drift?
With the giving up (and loss from our lives) of that lifelong 'all-round friend' the cigarette, we literally go through mourning with all its stages, including the stage of sadness and anger. Quitting is a major loss, both physically and psychologically, and in addiction, a quitter will naturally mourn that loss for a little while, until they freely accept the quit and adopt it, just letting go of smoking.
But besides that mourning, there are also things that can naturally trigger an angry response in a quitter: For instance, typical little things such as finding an empty roll on the toilet paper dispenser, discovering someone's dirty laundry on the floor, coming across dirty dishes in another part of the house, etc., all could NOW send a quitter into that angry zone. When you smoked you might have lit up and maybe said nothing in those situations, maybe even allowed yourself a sigh of exasperation. Now, however, it could send you in a real tailspin. It's demoralizing if you turn into an ogre and don't know how to deal with it.
If so, realize that in this situation, you are resorting to anger in response to a small trigger. You are coping with an irritant by getting angry. Something isn't right here, correct?
Without a nicotine fix, the next irritant to come along might be added to the mental stack of current irritants, until the quitter either learns to deal with them in a new way, or has an outburst.
Dysfunctional anger management? Inadequate communication habits? Quitting is a learning process. In smoking days, some of the time we lit up to cope, and that particular coping avenue is gone now. We have to find other ways.
The same irritants exist as before, but upon quitting, the coping mechanism of old is not there. Some quitters will lash out for a while until they learn what is happening to them and how to deal with it. While they are trying desperately to stay quit and focus their attention on dealing with cravings, they may not be aware right away of some of the other things happening to them.
Gaining control over nicotine addiction involves recovery, which in turn involves self-discovery and self-appreciation, and it is a process of necessary change on many fronts, including how we deal with many things.
Some strategies:
Take regular, planned timeouts for yourself.
Practice relaxation techniques and adopt some into your routine.
Each day, reflect on, and study your stress levels. Try to reduce the causes of other high stress in your life if you can, by altering the cause.
Don’t waste precious energy in criticism of yourself and others. Adopt a Live and Let Live attitude.
Value yourself more. Believe that you are really something! Quitting is not for sissies. You may not have arrived yet, but you've left the starting gate. We do appreciate what you're going through. Start pampering and loving yourself, now! Talk positive self-talk to yourself. Some people are too self-critical. Ease up. No one is perfect.
Until you can control this anger, (what you say, the way you say it, how you react) it's better to take a time out than lose a friend or alienate a loved one. Isolate yourself in the bedroom or washroom until you feel you can control yourself.
Get adequate sleep and rest. Indulge in an afternoon or evening nap. There's nothing like fatigue to make us feel edgy to begin with. In recovery, we need more rest, as every organ in the body is going through some pretty serious adjusting and withdrawal over a few months.
Anger can be managed. Study up on anger management: Get a book from the library, search the Internet, or consider getting professional help.
Improve communication skills. Study up on this too. Get a book from the library. They give classes in this. Lots of fun. Really!
With these tips and working together you can get through this. Tackle this problem as a team. Talk to your husband about how you are feeling and how you want this to be a positive bonding expereince. I know you two can do this!
Be sure to celebrate all your successes together! When can you plan your next celebration?
Ashley, Health Educator
