Hi guys,
Just checking in on day 5 of my first smokefree holiday in 15 years. I've spent a lot of the week writing a diary for you guys but decided to bin it for a much shorter version of events. Holidays are supposed to be fun, or at least relaxing on the most part. Unfortunately for me, the links to smoking are so strong, mainly due to exactly how much I would normally smoke. By Wednesday (Day 3), I was in freefall and any good work I had done the week previous had gone. Lunch time, I had worked up enough courage to admit to both parents that I could not handle any more and was going to smoke by the next day (day 4). I explained in clear concise ways that a) quitting was destroying my happiness and I had none left. b) it was an all encompassing battle that is always there. c) That although some make it, I am obviously not as strong as them.
I think, although I had been teetering on the edge for quite a while, I was pushed over it from reading a motivational book that I was hoping to get inspiration from. After one day of continuous reading of things like 'If you can't make the change then you just haven't experienced enough pain yet' and 'anyone who associates enough pain to smoking and reaches past the emotional pain threshold will never smoke again'. Obviously I started asking myself if I had not reached the pain threshold before I quit, and whether I will reach the pain threshold of quitting, or is my pain threshold after death? The truth is, he is probably very right. But in which case, what do I do. Apparently I have 'learned helplessness' but doesn't explain how to get out of that situation. I do actually agree with the pain and pleasure principles but maybe I was not ready for this book yet. Anyway, I have put the book down now.
On Thursday, I spent a lot of time saying to myself 'Smoking may not make me happy, and if I did smoke then my quit would be gone for good and I could never get myself to quit again, knowing what it has done to me'. Of course the junkie then tells me that I will never know unless I try.
Then I came to an agreement with myself and with my mum that I would try and hold on a bit longer and start back reading a better book for my mind and do things in micro steps. Trying to absorb positive thoughts again. So, although I reached the lowest I have since week 3 of my quit, I have made it to the middle point of my holidays without smoking!
I have ordered some CBT for dummies books to see if I can keep myself occupied and hopeful. In the meantime, I am using every delaying tactic in the book.
Anyway, just wanted to say that I am still in the game. Oh and to wish everyone a happy Friday.
HUGS from Kev.
[B]My Milage:[/B]
[B]My Quit Date: [/B]7/12/2007
[B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 218
[B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 5,450
[B]Amount Saved:[/B] �915.60
[B]Life Gained:[/B]
[B]Days:[/B] 27 [B]Hrs:[/B] 22 [B]Mins:[/B] 44 [B]Seconds:[/B] 1
