I know that I often put up a front. Many people think that I always have a smile on my face. Little do they know. I realize this is a little long but it's soooo worth reading :) A friend of mine e-mailed it to me today.
I was just thinking, how can we be honest with ourself if we don't know ourselves. And I truly believe that in order to stay quit we have to be honest with ourselves.
Just breathe.......
PLEASE HEAR WHAT I AM NOT SAYING
Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the
face I wear. I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off; and none of them
are me.
Pretending is a art that is second nature to
me, but don't be fooled. For God's sake, don't be
fooled. I give the impression that I am secured,
that all is sunny and unruffled within me as well as
without; that confidence is my name and coolness is my
game, that the water is calm and I am in command;
and that I need no one. But don't believe me, please.
My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask,
my ever varying and concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in
loneliness. But I hide that. I don't want nobody to
know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness, and
fear of being exposed. That's why I frantically
create a mask to hide behind, which is a nonchalant,
sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield
me from the glance that knows.
Such a glance is precisely my salvation and I
know it.That is, if it is followed by acceptance,
and if its followed by love. Its the only thing that
can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built
prison wall, from the barriers I so painstakingly
erect. Its the only thing that will assure myself
that I am something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare. I'm
afraid to. I'm afraid your glance will not be followed
by acceptance and love. I'm afraid you'll
think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh
would kill me. I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing,
that I'm just no good and that you'll see this and
reject me. So I play my games, with a facade of
assurance without, and a trembling child within.
And so begins the parade of masks, the
glittering, but empty parade of masks. My life
becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in suave
tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that is
nothing and nothing that is everything, of what's
crying inside me. So when I am going through my
routine, do not be fooled by what I am saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I am
not saying, what I would like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say, but I can't say.
I dislike hiding, honestly. I dislike the
superficial game I am playing, the superficial
phoney I am being. I'd like to be really genuine and
spontaneous and the REAL ME. So when I'm going
through my routine, do not be fooled by what I'm
saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying, what I would like to be able to
say, what for survival I need to say, but I am
afraid to say.
In order for me to be REAL and SPONTANEOUS, I
NEED YOUR HELP. You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want or
need. Only you can call me into aliveness. each time
you're KIND and GENTLE and ENCOURAGING, each time
you try to UNDERSTAND because YOU REALLY CARE, my
heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very
feeble wings- but wings.
With YOUR SENSITIVITY and COMPASSION and YOUR
POWER OF UNDERSTANDING, you can breathe life into
me. I want you to know that. I want you to know how
important you are to me. How you can be the creator
of the person that is ME, if you choose to, PLEASE
CHOOSE!!!
You can remove the mask, you alone can
release me from my lonely prison. So do not pass me
by. It will not be easy for you. My long conviction
of worthlessness has build strong walls. The nearer
you approach, the blinder I might strike back. Its
irrational, but despite what books say about a
person, I AM IRRATIONAL. I fight against the very
thing I cry out for. But I am told that LOVE is
stronger than the strongest walls, and in this lies
hope. MY ONLY HOPE!! Please try to beat down my
walls with firm but gentle hands- for a child is
very sensitive, and very fearful.
Who am I- you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
There is the chance that I could exist in
every Man you may meet, and there is the possibility
that I could exist in every Woman you may know. But
whenever you look into your mirror
"I AM RIGHT IN
FRONT OF "YOU."
"MAY GOD FOREVER BLESS "YOU" AND YOUR LOVED ONES."
[B]My Milage:[/B]
[B]My Quit Date: [/B]7/7/2007
[B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 25
[B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 500
[B]Amount Saved:[/B] $120.00
[B]Life Gained:[/B]
[B]Days:[/B] 2 [B]Hrs:[/B] 10 [B]Mins:[/B] 33 [B]Seconds:[/B] 13
-
Quit Meter
$28,008.00
Amount Saved
-
Quit Meter
Days: 612
Hours: 21
Minutes: 45
Seconds: 1
Life Gained
-
Quit Meter
4668
Smoke Free Days
-
Quit Meter
93,360
Cigarettes Not Smoked
