Hello Bonnie, Wanda & Andrea,
Thanks all of you for responding so quickly: this is so nice, being amongst friends, isn't it?! Wish I could have you all round for coffee and chats, it'd be fun.
Yes, please, Bonnie, I would love to be in touch via email: will do so soon, so "see you" then! It's comforting to know you've been through similar stuff & so understand the way it feels.
Wanda, I know what you mean about feeling like it would help to run about or scream or whatever...and yes, I wonder if some of the stress we experience IS because we have to "hold" so much in: we all have to behave so calmly and so politely even when we're angry, upset or frightened...and all that emotion has to go somewhere. Since we don't feel permitted to make a big noise and fuss, we try and squash it down, and then: here come the shakes, the tears and the panics..? Well, it seems kind of logical to me!
And yes, I totally agree about how tiring the anxiety is: I feel like I exhaust myself with the intensity of these fearful experiences, and the huge amount of emotional energy and courage it takes to keep my "wobbles" at bay and to appear "normal" and confident, when I'm a mess inside!
More and more, I'm so drained by the effort of getting through a stressful working day (without visibly cracking up, though I can feel it all bubbling up inside ready to burst out!) that when I finally reach home I've started a cracking headache that no pill, stretching or massage can relieve, and I can only cry and sleep....not a very positive role model for my daughters, who have been waiting for Mum to get home...
Some of the worst moments are when the class at school are playing up and as I try to discipline them, to my dismay I feel my lip starting to shake and pull down...so near to tears!...and I have to make a huge effort to control it and not give way...it's horrible.
Andrea, seeing what I've just written, I think you might be right about encouraging me to quit the job...I have to remember, NO job is worth this self-destructive experience...I guess I have been forgetting that it is indeed "just a job": the prevailing atmosphere at my work is so much that this is a career, a vocation, and everyone expects total dedication. Well, it just doesn't seem to be a career I can sus