scb..can't believe that your 3 initials I post you with are my real iititals for my maiden name (think I told you that before). Yes, I did go thru a similar situation as you. I think your ideals list is great. And I think pou mentioned a diary. A journal is a great tool to keep. I used to keep a nightly journal on evrerything I did during the day and added how I felt. Sometimes I really vented to it, but was a great tool for me to understand my feelings. Filled numerous notebooks over the years and sometimes read them back to myself to see where some of my triggers were. Hven't made it out of the maze yet, but am now cutting back onsome of my meds; just little pieces for about a seek at a time to get them down and out. I'm also learning to cope with the panic and depression, but fined it very hard at times, but think I'm improving week by week. If I feel that I'm getting too depressed I up them again for awhile. My doc told me to play around with the doses and see what the results are, but don't overdo if it doesn't work for awhile. Since lmy hubby retired in January, we are both sort of just drifting, as he has to readjust to not working as well. The computer is a great tool for us both for now. We bought a brand new get-away-van and plan on camping more and traveleing, but so far haven't done much of that. I think wer have to get our mindsets in order first; and we are also finishing reo's on the house instead of buying something with less upkeep. My garden is my salvation right now, with landscaping and bulding a pond, which has been ongoing for (maybe 10 years?), but getting there. Once thats done, we'll probably sell after we get it just the way we want it. isn't that always the way? I've downloaded quite a bit from my household possessions that I discovered really didn't mean anything to me and will concentrrate on my carving and things I really want to do. Have you ever seen Dr. Phil Mcgaw on Oprah? Here he's on every Tuesday afternoon, and he sure tells you how it is. Especially findidng out what you are doing in your life, and what you really WANT to do with the rest of your life. He has a new book out called 'Life stratagies' and hits the nail on the head in what you need right now (regarding being happy or not happy with what you are doing in your

Suzy, you're right - it has been "just a paycheck" lately, but, since I have a natural tendancy to get bored quickly and "react" to things I've tried to learn to ride it out a little - check in with "me" so that I don't make haste decisions out of fear. I appreciate that you brought it up though because it's been lurking in the back of my mind for a good 6 months. I think I'm going to write an "Ideals" list this weekend of what my absolute, ideal job would look like, compare it to how I feel about my current job and try to trace back to when & why my feelings changed (because I used to LOVE my job) -- a lot of it has seemed to be since the armed robbery thing - and Suzy, correct me if I'm wrong but you went through something similiar didn't you? -- anyway, so since my attitude change towards the job coincided with the increased anxiety/panic attacks I assumed they were connected and that probably NO job would make me happy at the moment......an ideals list would help give me some clarity or at least I think that would be a good step in the right direction....... Thanks for the input and nudge ;). -SCBB

SC...I don't think your boss was being non-sensitive when she asked if you were ever going to come to work happy. If you have talked with her about your problem, maybe she was asking a vilid question. Seems to me that under what I am reading is that you are not in the job that makes you happy and secure. Its just a job. You only get one trip around the block and you have to make the choice about how you are going to spend this life. Doing something that putys bread on the table or something that will give you satisfaction and involvement in what you are really here to do. Its a huge disition to have to make, which will affect the rest of your life. Please give this some thought and get back and post to us with your feelings on this, O.K? LUV, SUZY.

Beth, like your 2nd suggestion better! (LOL) ;p She's new and it's all weird and complicated - the whole situation....... so - for now, I'll let her believe it's cuz of my quit (smoking) and cut us both a little slack - her cuz she's new and trying and me cuz I'm doing my best to just show up every day..- I have faith that these attacks, in time, will become more manageable as my body balances out and I learn new coping skills to replace the smoking (and EVERYTHING else I've done to "not" cope........) Thanks for replying - sometimes just another person saying hello, I hear you, can make a world of difference. My latest downfall has been letting my head run with self loathing thoughts - "not good enough" "not getting enough done" "gonna lose the job, the fiance, my car....." on and on until I'm spun in such a mess of fear & panic that I want to crawl into a hole and never talk to another person again! I'm doing better, feeling sort of dazed but just trying to put one foot in front of the other and accomplish what I can, tiny bits at a time -- amazingly, I'm making more progress than I'd thought.... it'll be ok....(sigh) that's probably the biggest life saver phrase I have - "IT'S GOING TO BE OK! Assess the situation. Is it as bad as you're making it to be?" -- most times, the answer is "no"..... thanks again :) How are you doing? I read your post about the date - have you gone on it yet? I could totally relate but wasn't capable of replying (yet) ;) (sigh, another slow,deep breath) -SCBB :gasp:

Hi, That's too bad that your boss is so insensitive. I don't know if she's approachable or not, but why don't you try talking to her, and explaining where you're coming from? At least she won't be in the dark then, and you'll know that someone at work understands what you're coping with right now. When i started a new job this year, i had serious panic attacks, just b/c of the major change. I started missing a lot of work b/c of it, and decided that i should tell my boss what was going on. As it turned out, i didn't have any panic attacks after i told her! I guess i just felt more comfortable. OR You could just tell your boss to shove her attitude right back up her ass, and keep walking! Good luck, i'm here for you!

I'm doing 'better' but still not great..... I went back to the other thread and pulled out what I wrote earlier so that it could be incorporated here.... still looking for help & encouragement.... thanks. -SCBB written around 9a.m. my time, (it's now about 11:30am): I'm having a TOUGH time right now. I managed to get to work but a half hour late - I have a new boss here ( ) and she just asked me if I think there'll be a day I ever come into work happy (?!) makes me want to cry!!!! I KNOW I've been in good moods in the morning before!!!!!! I know she's had tough times in her past (she's talked about it to me) so how can she not know how rude & arrogant that comment was ?!! she's only known me since I've quit smoking so she doesn't know that I have moments of joy too -- and she certainly doesn't take time to come over and say hello periodically throughout the day to see if my mood has changed! I just feel like I have all I can handle with SHOWING UP, for ANYTHING right now -- I feel so pushed in a corner right now - as I'm beginning to spin - all I want to do is crawl into a hole and forget it all...... Ok, deep breath, self-talk, this is momentary - I have control - if I'm feeling bad, or guilty, or "less than" I have the power to change that. So, I'm going to do my best this morning to breathe through this, and get something accomplished so that I can remove the guilt that I'm holding over my head. The weather is sooo gloomy and overcast right now - when you're struggling emotionally, feeling gloomy and down, it certainly doesn't help when the weather is reflecting the very same thing!!! (in the time I've written this, panic has gripped me and now I'm crying!! -- let me mention too, that's it's PMS time right now too so EVERYTHING is so much more "intense" - you know?!) ok, can't spin out in negative thoughts....Thanks to you guys for being here, I'm glad we have each other! luv, SCBB

just doing a shout out - I'm REALLY struggling right now - I put the "why's" in the "thought" thread earlier...... your support and encouraement are both needed and appreciated!! (Obviously the situation has progressed as this is all I can manage to type) thanks -SCBB