It's pretty easy for me not to smoke these days but I do still find myself assessing possible future excuses to relapse, then getting annoyed and upset because there are none and I know it and that means I'm never going to get away with innocent dumb smoking ever again.
I know this is stupid and I don't intend to smoke right now, as I say on a day to day level I never really contemplate going out and buying cigs and/or smoking them now, I contemplate setting up a situation or about events that may provide an excuse to get started again and be like I used to be i.e. drugged up but also able to hang out with my friends like I used to, drink tea and smoke and talk with my mum like I used to. I know I know that cigs didn't make these occassions better apart from having a mutual feeding frenzy but because of the nature of addiction I'm forced to spend less time with them and they feel weirded out by me not smoking. It's always a little tense because it's so obvious that I'm not smoking and inside we're probably both thinking "are they judging me?". It's like there's a ginormous huge pimple on the end of my nose that we're both trying to pretend is not there!!!
I know I'll get to a point where it won't matter to me or anyone because none of us will even remember I smoked but at the moment it is emotionally painful. I miss my friends, my mum and my old self. I don't miss the smoking per se, I miss the comraderie. I know it's a mirage but knowing that is even breaking my heart. That sounds bird-brained I know, I'm feeling emotional, we're leaving oz in 2 weeks to move to London and I feel bad now that I've hardly seen people unaware that we were going to move to the other side of the world. I still can't drink alcohol without going nuts about smoking too. Arghhhh!
I just needed to get this all out into the ether.
Chicken Licken (or maybe today I sound more like Henny Penny - the sky is falling!)
[B]My Milage:[/B]
[B]My Quit Date: [/B] 5/2/2006
[B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 64
[B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 844
[B]Amount Saved:[/B] $704
[B]Life Gained:[/B]
[B]Days:[/B] 5 [B]Hrs:[/B] 11 [B]Mins:[/B] 7 [B]Seconds:[/B] 20
