Pam
Butterfly Swimmer
I am so sorry and sad to see how much pain you are in.
Try this on for size, it might fit and it might not. Is it possible that you have been putting a huge amount of your life force, your energy into: creating an new life, getting your masters, coping with moving, dealing with having lost a job, quiting smoking and ALL that means to you. Perhaps you have not had energy to put towards finding new friends, people who you hold community with.
It sounds to me like you have been doing a lot and that you simply have not put your energy into finding the friends and people in your life that you so long for, and, really need to be with you in your life.
I also think that the "Junkie" the "nicotine addict" is speaking when you say that when you smoked you "had plenty of really good friends and a good life". Smoking and a good life are not part and parcel to one another. They are choices that you make and they come from where you put your energy and from what and who you are really committed to.
The most loving thing that you could do for yourself is not going out and smoking a pack of cigarettes, the most loving thing that you could do for yourself is to grab one of the people that is near you,, someone you feel somewhat close to and tell them that you feel lonely, tell them that you want to find friends. Take charge of your life enlist the support that is around you. Empower yourself, stop victimizing yourself. Take your own hand, take responsibility and feel a part of and in control of your world and the life you create for yourself.
Expression is a very valuable piece in getting through depression, Feeling sadness and grief and longing are part of getting through any addiction. Opening yourself up to someone you feel close to will help you in your expression, just as how you open for people here in these forums helps to get through all of the stuff around quiting.
To quote you
CRAVE the QUIT
Thanks for reading, sorry that you are so sad and I hope that you come through this, I know you can because you have to be powerful to swim the butterfly!
Phillip
[B]My Milage:[/B]
[B]My Quit Date: [/B] 2/17/2006
[B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 8
[B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 160
[B]Amount Saved:[/B] $60
[B]Life Gained:[/B]
[B]Days:[/
