Welcome Fernya,

First of all, congrats on coming here to work through these layers of what you are going through. I see you have already done a lot of work on the program. How are you trying to integrate the homework into your day to day life? Have any success or questions you might want to share?

It seems you feel that going after unavailable men is one of your thickest layers for you right now. Have you considered talking to a therapist about this? Working through what is attracting you to these men might help you to break this pattern. You were very intuitive in saying perhaps this attraction is related to the fear of commitment. Do you think there is truth to this? You might want to look into attachment theory. I cannot diagnose you online, by reading a small paragraph, but you might want to research avoidant attachment and anxious attachment in adults. It would be ideal if you could work through these difficult concepts with a therapist though. Also, keep in mind attachment issues may only have a minor impact or no impact at all...just wanted to share a thought

You might also want to create a list of what you feel is attractive in a man. What you feel you need and what you feel is not necessary. Also, create a list of deal breakers - what qualities will you not accept again? Feel free to share these lists with us so we can work through them with you. I am curious to read what you might discover.

Hope to read from you more soon!

Take care,

Ashley

For years now I seem to be attracted to unavailable men. I'm not sure if it's because "all the good ones are taken", if it's because I like what other women like, if it's because I like the challenge or if it's because I have a fear of commitment. As you might be able to understand, it is very difficult to find someone to talk to about this as most people will judge me even though I am wanting to find the reason for my attraction so I can change my behaviour. There are lots of different layers to what I am feeling right now but this is probably one of the thickest ones. I get "high" on the chase, the interest, the new but then when it falls through I feel rejected, "not good enough", broken which spirals me into drinking and spending (retail therapy).