Hi Niv, I feel like you said a lot of stuff in your post that I can relate to and am currently dealing with similar issues. I just started this program a week ago. How are you doing these days and did you find it helped? Hope you're doing well...
I am so sorry to read what you are going through. I can really read a lot of pain in what you wrote. It sounds like you want to make a chance though. Coming here to seek out help was a good instinct. I think this program can really help you to control your thinking and behaviour which in turn will influence how you feel. Focusing on your health seems like the right place to start. What do you think? Other then working on this program how do you plan on getting started?
For almost 10 years I have been fighting with depression which has only gotten worst as time goes on. I have become an alcoholic and just a miserable person all around. I constantly find blame in either my circumstances or in other people for my situation. In my opinion I had a unsuccessful military career although I managed to retire a couple of years ago I still view it as a failure because I never achieved my promotion goals.
I currently am going back to college as a full time student trying to obtain a IT degree but im having the hardest time staying focused and feel I am just wasting my time. I am unemployed and have to rely on my wife to take care of our small family. After retiring we had our first child really was not something I wanted to happen right after getting out of the military but I cant see my life without my little girl in it. However I feel I am the worst father I feel I am cold and detached. I cant provide the life I thought I would have once I retired and now im conflicted on leaving them in order to find work and that is eating me up inside.
My wife is the sweetest most positive person in the world but all I do is ignore her encouragement and just keep drinking and destroying our life together everyday. Last night I said something that really hurt her after binge drinking and forced her to become angry in a way I never thought was possible for her and I feel like **** for bringing that out of her. I feel like the biggest piece of crap in the world. No matter what I do I just cant stay happy out of a month I may have 2 to 3 non negative days and the rest of the time im sitting in my man cave thinking of the past and what if this and that. Why is my life so horrible why cant I get it together, where do I belong. I have no direction at the moment and I do not know where to start
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