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Fought depression...now it is back

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Fought depression...now it is back

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4

Well, it's been a little while since i last updated what has been going on. Unfortunately things have gone from bad to worse for me.

Things with my wife have gotten really bad, as she is now choosing to sleep on the couch as she feels "weird" around me. We had a pretty long discussion about things, i let her know that I was aware of her affair (which she denies) and she is now avoiding me as well as the kids. She is out all weekend and comes home during the week just in time to put th ekids to bed. Then...she is on the computer all night "doing work".

My 3 year old son was recently diagnosed with mild-moderate autism, so things just got a bit harder to manage, especailly with my wife never around.

I've tried the online course, but I think with what is going on in my life right now...things might just be a bit too much for me to handle by myself. My councelling session were ok, but nothing got resolved.

I've made an appointment with my doctor (not for 2 weeks) to see if he can perscribe something that can get rid of all these thoughts floating around in my head.

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

I'm so glad to hear you had a good session. It sounds like you are getting a lot of clarity on the situation. I feel for you. It is not going to be easy but I have no doubt you will do what is right for yourself and your children. You sound like a very caring, considerate person. Keep those qualities but just add some boundaries and assertiveness and you will be unstoppable.

Keep us updated on how you are doing.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4

Hi Ashley,

I saw the psychologist today. He basically said the exact same things that you did. I need to be more assertive and stand up for myself. She has let our family down, and continues to see/email this guy behind my/our backs. At the very least, she has some sort of emotional relationship with this guy that is inappropriate for a married woman.

I need to start focusing on me and the kids, now and not so much on her. Basically...she has already "left", so I need to stop worring about what I say and do. I need to confront her about exactly what is going on and let her make the choice...him or her family. I spent 13 years devoting my life to her, and she just tossed it aside without a thought. I've been making up excuses for her behaviour, when it was her that made a concious choice to have an affair. I've been blaming myself for what she did (did I not love her enough, did I not support her enough, was I too passive and let her go out all hours of the night and not be around ffor her children...) He also mentioned that it not fair that she is doing this to me, and that she is basically not considering how I feel, and how horrible she has made my life the past little while.

He said that it was ok for me to be angry, and angry at her. (Angry in a rational and calm way...) What she is doing is awfull and I have a right to be upset and mad...and that i shoudl tell her how her behaviour is making me feel.

I will wait until after Christmas to really do anything about this. I want the kids to be happy, and not associate the holidays with any bad memories.

I don't want to keep things the way that they are as I am misserable, and the kids are starting to be affected, so something has to change.

It will be tough confronting her as I know that she will walk away. The counciller said that I should offer to pack her bags for her if she does go...I've done all that I could. I just have to look after the kids now.

The session made me feel better, getting advice from a third party. He told me what I already knew, i just needed to hear it from someone else. I go back next week for another session.

I also need to go seek some legal advice...just in case.

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

Hi RonWel,

I am so sorry to read all this. Going through all this when you have little support must be so difficult. I think seeing a counsellor is a great idea. You deserve and need some support to help you through this difficult time. I think it is amazing that you are considering how your kids are handling all this. Your care and understanding will be so helpful to them now.

It sounds like you are trying to be very understanding to her needs but also be sure you consider your needs. What you want and need is important too. No matter what happened in your relationship you do not deserve to be lied to and ignored. I hope whatever you decide to do you do so with confidence and care. You deserve to be happy.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4

Thank-you for the reply Ashley.

The most that I got out of my wife is that she loves me...but is not longer "in love" with me. We went through some very stressfull times the past two years, and I think that it took a lot out of her. She is playing out some type of escapist fantasy, which she is stuck in. He is very manipulative and is taking advantage of her vulnerability.

Despite all of this...I still love her and have been trying very hard to improve our relationship. I am giving her the time and space that she has asked for, but this only gives him the advantage to email, talk and "date" her. I asked her if she wanted to go to marriage councilling, but she said no. She has told me that it is not me...that it is her, and that she needs to figure things out and needs to figure out what she wants in life. (I also think she is in the middle of a mid-life crisis.)

Sadly...because of all of the lying and deception and lying from her (still will not admit to the affair)...I don't trust a word that she says. I've stopped trying to look at her text messages and emails...it only hurts me more.

Unfortunatly she has also stopped spending a lot of time with our two children (6yrs and 3 yrs). She is out late every night now, and comes home after I put them to bed. She avoids our home...and the family. Which hurts me the most as i see the kids missing her.

I have decided to go see a councillor, in order to help calm and control my thoughts. Things are starting to spiral down for me, and my moghts are really driving me down further. Things got so bad the other day that my one co-worker drove by my house to make sure that i was ok.

Sadly...I moved away from all of my friends and family to be with her (13 years ago), so I have no support here.

It's tough...but I;m trying to stay possitive for the kids.

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

Hi Ronwel,

I am so sorry to hear about this. I can't imagine what you might be feeling right now. It sounds like you have a lot to think about. Have you thought about seeking help from a marriage therapist? A therapist might be able to help you work through your thoughts and feelings on this and figure out what you want to do. If you feel a therapist isn't what you need, what do you need? What is your first step to start to work through this?

You are not alone in this. We will be here every step of the way.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4

Hi there,

I've been battling depression for a couple of years. I decided to avoid any medications and try to deal with things my changing my thought patterns, etc...

I finally was able to climb out of the hole that I was in...only to find out a couple of months later that my wife is having an affair. So, now I am worse than where I was before. I tried to confront her, but she just denies it, which is making this so much worse.

Hopefully I am able to get some usefull information from this site.

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Fought depression...now it is back